Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, this is my first post and I'm coming from a place of asking for some advice, if possible! I apologise in advance for the tremendous long post.
I'm an AFAB in her 30s, struggled a lot since I'm around 13 and I have been now in therapy for around 7 years.
Around a year ago, despite trying to really work on myself through therapy and really taking it at heart, frustrated by the usual cyclical breakdowns that seem to happen every few months, I started formulating the idea I might be neurodivergent. With research, things started to make a bit more of sense and I, as it happens, started a rabbit hole of research about autism and adhd, done all the online screenings online multiple times, and so one..
The tricky part is that I have been diagnosed bipolar at 18, depression with borderline traits at 22, and finally BPD a few years after. Mind you, thinking back I believe those diagnosis weren't done in a very effective way and definitely not in an a differential manner. And I also believe that I don't really fully fit the criteria anymore of any of those!
My therapist is of the school of thoughts that it doesn't really matter what diagnosis I have and that we can work together in any case, which has been incredibly helpful, especially as I tend to wrap myself into the stigma around them and, well, I have received a few by now... This leaves me in a very tricky place as partially I worry I'm wrapping my head around the autism diagnosis (even though it somehow feels different than the other ones I've received) and I also feel I can't really bring it up in therapy as it might look like a "distraction" from the therapeutic work.
On the other hand, I'm terrified of following this up with GPs as, first, I get really anxious talking to them, second, I am not sure that the assessment offered will actually be differential (given my history with them), third, I am worried of just receiving another one to add to the list that won't make any difference at all. Plus, I'm in the middle of one of my breakdowns right now which is making these kind of anxiety provoking tasks very hard to follow through.
I also have other people in my life that really feel I should prioritise the diagnosis just to get rid of the doubt, so that I can finally prioritise either trauma work or making accommodations and seeking the right kind of help.
Amidst all of this, I'm stuck in a cycle of overthinking and nothing gets decided... I thought of asking here as maybe neurodivergent people might have some insight in what's the best course of action as I don't have anyone irl I can ask an opinion to and also.. Maybe someone can relate?
Thank you very much even just for reading!
MaxL said:it doesn't really matter what diagnosis I have
Maybe for some conditions I guess this would be true, however for neurodiversity you're talking the way people's brains are wired, that is a physical thing. Like any physical system it is important to get the right diagnosis. Heart attack or indigestion...
MaxL said:been now in therapy for around 7 years
That must be hard. Do you feel you are making progress with things? Do you have goals for what you are talking through? Is the person helping you? Does your therapist know anything about autism or neurodiversity? Can you ask them to do some research to support you with this? Most people, even therapists, are happy to learn new things, every day is a school day! And it might help you both figure things out. Give them some homework! Particularly since you say you notice the possibility of autism diagnosis feels different. Trust your instincts.
MaxL said:I'm terrified of following this up with GPs
I get this, it is hard getting in touch with GPs these days, and they need the patient to be an expert in their condition so that they can just refer you to the correct place. When I asked for diagnosis, I told him what research I'd done, what uni had suggested, what happened to me at work, how I felt I fitted the criteria (I wrote it down), and he made the referral. I was lucky I ultimately got sent to an autism charity (via mental health) for diagnosis so picking it up in a 51 years' masking female was no issue to them, where it might have been for the over-stretched community mental health team.
It would also be worth asking how you get those potentially incorrect diagnoses reviewed, I don't know if that's psychology, psychiatry or mental health.... but more is known now about all of those conditions that you mention, than was available when you were diagnosed, so it is reasonable to have them reviewed. For many years I had a diagnosis of one thing, but when I met a new GP and she took a full history she was concerned something was missed and she sent me to genetics who finally diagnosed the physical thing correctly. Sometimes that step of going over all of it to someone new is really helpful.
I think my 'conclusion' is that I have no advice for you, just a few things to help you think about things in a different way.
Fiona said:It would also be worth asking how you get those potentially incorrect diagnoses reviewed,
There are large areas of overlap betweek BPD and autism so it is worth referring to the graphic below to see which match for you - and remember that it is quite possible to be both.
Neurodivergence is sometimes a complex question as there is also ADHD that can come into the mix and create more challenges in the correct diagnosis.
Personally I would focus on the traits rather than the labels. These will be largely obvious with a bit of reading up on neurodivergence and you can avoid a lot of stigma from having to identify as one or any of them if it does not suit you.
You will find lots of discussion about traits here and peoples approach to them that can be useful.
Thank you Iain, I actually know these graphics, I've gone through a lot of them, and I'm really enjoying the podcast Divergent Conversations, I really enjoy the language that they use in them!
If I need to focus just on traits, to be honest, it feels like the answer would be quite simple.. but then I start with a series of what ifs, or tell myself "how was I not aware of this before", and always end up with a "was it the chicken or the egg first" question. But I think focusing on traits could actually be very beneficial.
I will have a browse around the forum, thanks