Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everybody,
I apologise if my post doesn't make any sense. I have recently got my formal diagnosis of autism (finally!), and it has just allowed me to be more myself and mask just that little bit less. Of course, this will take time, but it's in the works at least.
So I live with my husband, it's just the 2 of us. He enjoys "messing with my autism", which I feel I can handle, and we joke about it, but at times, it just gets too much, and then I end up having a meltdown or snapping.
This is then followed by instant regret and a day or two of us not communicating. It makes me feel so angry at myself for having a meltdown and snapping, but on the other hand, although I have communicated how it makes me feel (when I am aware), it carries on, and I'm left with this massive lump in my chest of regret, sorrow, anxiety, hatred for myself, and just full-on sadness that I can't get rid of.
Does anybody else feel this? I just feel like a burden and that we can't have a normal relationship with banter because I'm too sensitive and I can't take a joke.
Apologies for the ramble, I am just struggling to make sense of things. It's also difficult as I have ADHD, Dyslexia and am a T1D
Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice on how I can handle this better would be great.
I don't think anyone in my life 'messes with my autism', but I have only recently been diagnosed, so I'm not sure if that colours my memories. The only time I have trouble in a relationship is when a person I trust lies to me. I just can't cope with that, and shut the person out.
I don't get the feeling you are asking for advice, so I won't give any. Your question makes you want to know you are not alone. I think we all have boundaries we need to keep in place to maintain healthy relationships, so you are definitely not alone!