Meltdowns and regrets

I don't think anyone in my life 'messes with my autism', but I have only recently been diagnosed, so I'm not sure if that colours my memories. The only time I have trouble in a relationship is when a person I trust lies to me. I just can't cope with that, and shut the person out.

I don't get the feeling you are asking for advice, so I won't give any. Your question makes you want to know you are not alone. I think we all have boundaries we need to keep in place to maintain healthy relationships, so you are definitely not alone!

and I feel the same way about it and I have meltdowns to and sometimes I cry and get mad also and I have a hard time to deal with it and what can I do about it and so I can be happy in life so I can have friends too 

That's not being too sensitive, that's just being genuinely honest about how you're feeling, even if your feelings are not always as positive as you'd like them to be. Of course, he's your husband, and you don't want to react negatively to him like that, but all jokes carry a bit of truth to them, and sometimes it can just cross a line.

Would I like my partner messing with my autism just as a joke? I don't think I would like that very much, considering that I highly value my partner and their opinions a lot, and if they were making me the target of their jokes, due to a condition that I have, I would feel very devalued by them. 

I mean, if you don't like something, then you don't have to like it, and that's completely okay! You don't have to like everything or accept everything that people put you through. You might have just been tolerating that treatment for the sake of the relationship, because you love him, and he's your husband, but it's obviously hurting a part of you to have him messing around with your autism like that.

You should not feel regretful for your reaction. He should be the one who's apologizing to you about messing around with your autism like that. Who the heck think that it's funny to make fun of someone else's autism like that? Wow. I'm just surprised people can go around doing that to their spouse, and not expect a bad reaction from it! 

Hi SSS,

I was recently diagnosed with Asperger (I'm almost 30 years old) and what I can tell is that all my life, my family always criticized the way I act, speak, think, etc. And even after my diagnosis, they still "complain" about it, as i can eve try to "change".

I felt relieved after my diagnosis, since I stopped feeling guilty about my life, actions. Thanks God or Universe, before i've got diagnosed i was seeing a boy (my bf now) and he really helps me out with the autism, look for information and i felt like we belong. Everytime he makes me feel bad about something he says (e.g you cant pay attention for an entire football match!) then, i explained why and he understands me. I think that a relationship should be a mutual thing. If he makes you feel bad, then he has to look for the characteristics of autism spectrum. 

You can recomend him to read "22 things a woman with asperger's syndrom wants her partner to know" de rudy simone.

hope it helps,

swiftie14

TheCatWoman said:

Maybe you should stop appologising and ask him to appologise to you for his insensitivity?

I'm not sure I would insist on the apology but agree completely that you need to tell him to stop it and tell him you mean it.

His failure to stop this is incredibly disrespectul and bordering on abusive.

Tell him how it makes you feel if you can. Ask him sincerely if he will respect your wishes and he should  apologise on his own.

Failure for him to follow up on this should result in you using a threat of either marriage counselling or a separation period to make him realise you are really serious.

His ongoing harrassment is likely to cause you a form of PTSD in the long run, hence my recommendation of taking some heavy steps.

Good luck - you deserve better.

I literally feel that, remember that feeling, when someone from my family made fun of my behavior or my problems. And then when I was crying and angry I heard that I’m too sensitive and take everything too deeply etc. at that time I had no idea about autism but yes, then I regretted and I felt like it’s all my fault. I think you can tell your husband clearly that it’s not ok and how it makes you feel.

You say you feel you can handle joking about your autism, but if it results in you feeling the way you describe you obviously cannot. That's not a judgement, there is no requirement for you to be ok with it. I think maybe the problem is that you are being too tough on yourself, thinking that if you get upset by joking about it that you are being somehow weak. You're not - we all have to be strong and resilient to cope with what life throws at us every day. You have every right to plainly and calmly say that you would rather not joke about it, as it's upsetting you.

Bear in mind that your husband has no idea how autism really affects you, so if he has come to believe that it's just joking and not harmful, he needs to learn differently. Someone posted a meme on here recently about "mild autism" - it's only mild in the way that it's perceived by others, that doesn't mean that we experience it "mildly" .

I hope you can work things out.

How about being angry at your husband for pushing your buttons, presumably ones he know are there and causing you so much distress you meltdown? Sorry but this joking sounds like bullying if it's causing you so much distress and that it's deliberate, 'I was only joking' is the go to excuse for bullies.

Maybe you should stop appologising and ask him to appologise to you for his insensitivity? Maybe the lump you should get rid of is him? I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I've been in your situation and seen others go through the same. Maybe some couples therapy would be good, and go on your own if he refuses to go with you.