Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everybody,
I apologise if my post doesn't make any sense. I have recently got my formal diagnosis of autism (finally!), and it has just allowed me to be more myself and mask just that little bit less. Of course, this will take time, but it's in the works at least.
So I live with my husband, it's just the 2 of us. He enjoys "messing with my autism", which I feel I can handle, and we joke about it, but at times, it just gets too much, and then I end up having a meltdown or snapping.
This is then followed by instant regret and a day or two of us not communicating. It makes me feel so angry at myself for having a meltdown and snapping, but on the other hand, although I have communicated how it makes me feel (when I am aware), it carries on, and I'm left with this massive lump in my chest of regret, sorrow, anxiety, hatred for myself, and just full-on sadness that I can't get rid of.
Does anybody else feel this? I just feel like a burden and that we can't have a normal relationship with banter because I'm too sensitive and I can't take a joke.
Apologies for the ramble, I am just struggling to make sense of things. It's also difficult as I have ADHD, Dyslexia and am a T1D
Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice on how I can handle this better would be great.
That's not being too sensitive, that's just being genuinely honest about how you're feeling, even if your feelings are not always as positive as you'd like them to be. Of course, he's your husband, and you don't want to react negatively to him like that, but all jokes carry a bit of truth to them, and sometimes it can just cross a line.
Would I like my partner messing with my autism just as a joke? I don't think I would like that very much, considering that I highly value my partner and their opinions a lot, and if they were making me the target of their jokes, due to a condition that I have, I would feel very devalued by them.
I mean, if you don't like something, then you don't have to like it, and that's completely okay! You don't have to like everything or accept everything that people put you through. You might have just been tolerating that treatment for the sake of the relationship, because you love him, and he's your husband, but it's obviously hurting a part of you to have him messing around with your autism like that.
You should not feel regretful for your reaction. He should be the one who's apologizing to you about messing around with your autism like that. Who the heck think that it's funny to make fun of someone else's autism like that? Wow. I'm just surprised people can go around doing that to their spouse, and not expect a bad reaction from it!