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Meltdowns and regrets

SSS
4 months ago

Hello everybody,

I apologise if my post doesn't make any sense. I have recently got my formal diagnosis of autism (finally!), and it has just allowed me to be more myself and mask just that little bit less. Of course, this will take time, but it's in the works at least. 

So I live with my husband, it's just the 2 of us. He enjoys "messing with my autism", which I feel I can handle, and we joke about it, but at times, it just gets too much, and then I end up having a meltdown or snapping.

This is then followed by instant regret and a day or two of us not communicating. It makes me feel so angry at myself for having a meltdown and snapping, but on the other hand, although I have communicated how it makes me feel (when I am aware), it carries on, and I'm left with this massive lump in my chest of regret, sorrow, anxiety, hatred for myself, and just full-on sadness that I can't get rid of.

Does anybody else feel this? I just feel like a burden and that we can't have a normal relationship with banter because I'm too sensitive and I can't take a joke.

Apologies for the ramble, I am just struggling to make sense of things. It's also difficult as I have ADHD, Dyslexia and am a T1D

Thanks for taking the time to read this, any advice on how I can handle this better would be great.

Parents
  • 4 months ago

    You say you feel you can handle joking about your autism, but if it results in you feeling the way you describe you obviously cannot. That's not a judgement, there is no requirement for you to be ok with it. I think maybe the problem is that you are being too tough on yourself, thinking that if you get upset by joking about it that you are being somehow weak. You're not - we all have to be strong and resilient to cope with what life throws at us every day. You have every right to plainly and calmly say that you would rather not joke about it, as it's upsetting you.

    Bear in mind that your husband has no idea how autism really affects you, so if he has come to believe that it's just joking and not harmful, he needs to learn differently. Someone posted a meme on here recently about "mild autism" - it's only mild in the way that it's perceived by others, that doesn't mean that we experience it "mildly" .

    I hope you can work things out.

Reply
  • 4 months ago

    You say you feel you can handle joking about your autism, but if it results in you feeling the way you describe you obviously cannot. That's not a judgement, there is no requirement for you to be ok with it. I think maybe the problem is that you are being too tough on yourself, thinking that if you get upset by joking about it that you are being somehow weak. You're not - we all have to be strong and resilient to cope with what life throws at us every day. You have every right to plainly and calmly say that you would rather not joke about it, as it's upsetting you.

    Bear in mind that your husband has no idea how autism really affects you, so if he has come to believe that it's just joking and not harmful, he needs to learn differently. Someone posted a meme on here recently about "mild autism" - it's only mild in the way that it's perceived by others, that doesn't mean that we experience it "mildly" .

    I hope you can work things out.

Children
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