Older women on the forum? Your early years?

Hello Uhane

It's good to know that there are other older ladies out there. Since I began researching the symptoms of autism (about 2-3 years ago) I've not noticed many of us 60+ year olds out there with a big voice. The "late diagnosed" content creators I follow on YouTube are mostly in their 30s and 40s. I wish I could find some 60+ year olds on there. I was diagnosed less than a year ago so still processing.

Your comment that you've been masking so long that you don't know who you are really struck a cord with me. I'm still masking heavily and don't know who I really am.  I had a fairly good childhood. I usually had one friend who I could tag along with and that one friend sometimes enabled me to join a wider group but I've never been happy in groups. My happiest times were spent playing alone. 

As I got into my teenage years I tried really hard to fit in, often going places where I felt very uncomfortable. My favourite thing to do as a teen was to go for a walk in the countryside - usually on my own but occasionally with my one special friend but I forced myself to go to social events even though I hated them. I was often overlooked or ignored and with hindsight I wonder if neurotypical folks could see that there was something different about me. (I believe there are studies that show that this does happen even to high masking autistics)  Knowing you're different but not knowing why is very painful and difficult. 

I met my husband at school. We were 16. He joined the armed forces a few months later so we only saw each other at weekends and when he was on leave so that gave me lots of alone time which I needed. We married at 20 and I was a mum a year later. I found it hard to make friends and even when I had friends I felt disconnected from them but I didn't know why. We went to lots of social occasions and I would always drink too much as a way to cope 

My husband died almost 9 years ago now. Knowing I'm a masked autistic makes me feel sad and a bit of a fraud. My husband really didn't know me. Looking back I can see that he enabled me to lead a relatively normal life. Now he's gone I find myself retreating from life. I'm mostly very happy to be safe in my own home with my dog for company. Sometimes I do feel  lonely though.

I've been a video gamer for many years and my current hyperfocus is Minecraft. I think if I could put as much focus and energy into something useful I could have done amazing things with my life! 

I hope this isn't too much of an essay for you to get through. 

Inula

I like 3D Mahjong, myself, and Go and Gomoku.

I like 3D Mahjong, myself, and Go and Gomoku.