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masking and loosing identity

Geestar8

Hi,

I'm starting this discussion to see if anyone else has the same issue as me. I am autistic and a woman who was diagnosed late, I know I have been masking for most of my life but now I realise actually I've lost who I am as I mask too much and do not seem to somewhat control it either. Does anyone else have this same thing or anyone know how to re-identify yourself??

  • in reply to Sarah

    Hi Sarah, that makes perfect sense and I can relate greatly. Growing up feeling like an outsider or that I'm just copying the actions of those around me is incredibly confusing. I think because I had such a late diagnosis, I spent most of my childhood/teen years in the dark, thinking I was coping when in actuality I was heavily masking in order to maintain my friendships and feel more 'normal' (hate that word) But I agree with you, I don't think I would ever go back and try to fit into that masked version of myself again, I don't relate to her anymore. 

  • I totally get what you are saying.  I'm still not formally diagnosed, on the waiting list.  I've always felt 'different' that i am 'wired differently'.  I feel alone most of the time as I don't connect with others, don't understand them.  I don't know who I am, just this individual I have created that mimics what I see others say and do.  I'm not sure if I will ever re-identify, or if I need/want to at this stage.

  • in reply to NAS91974
    NAS91974 said:
    I've always said I'm not a real person I have no idea who I am. Kelly

    Before my very late diagnoses, I often used to think of others as 'real people'. 

    Ben

  • Hi, my name's Amelia and was late diagnosed. 100% I understand where you are coming from, I spent years subconsciously masking in order to fit in with the neurotypical people around me.

    Since unmasking over a year ago, I have had the biggest identity crisis - losing friendships because of it. Not knowing who I really am and whether the 'masked' version of myself was really me or just a facade I portrayed. Most of the people in my life only knew the 'masked version' of me, and sometimes ask me 'what happened', however I feel quite disconnected now from the person I essentially used to be. It's a huge lose of personal identity - I've felt in order to accept my autism, I've had to equally accept that I'm not the same person I used to be. But I ultimately know I couldn't have continued masking for the rest of my life as it was exhausting. 

    I really hope this helps and remember nobody is alone on their unmasking journey 

  • Hi

    I'm 44 I'm not diagnosed I'm only just coming out to myself. But yes exactly the same, I've always said I'm not a real person I have no idea who I am. Kelly

  • It feels like being an imposter -  and that one will be found out - but not sure who to be or how. One must find that original face.