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Being a mother with self diagnosed autism - completely overwhelmed

NAS89443

Autism/AuDHD is something I've had thoughts about having since I was 14 but it's been the last 6 months that I've been more accepting and taken it seriously, telling close friends and family and last week my GP sent off a referral. 

Since having my daughter 18 months ago I feel my symptoms have been getting more and more exasperated. I now feel like I am at breaking point and I don't know what to do about it! It does not help that my daughter's never been one for sleep (we've tried countless things to remedy this) and lack of sleep always makes everything feel worse! 

My husband and I take it in turns to do nights, take it in turns to have a lay in at the weekend and he takes her out for an afternoon, sometimes a day, every weekend but it just never feels like enough to recuperate. We are pretty even on all household things too. He has a stressful job himself, so I really don't know how I could ask him to take on any more. I am a full-time mum and currently feel like going to work would be a break but I know it's not the solution as I have always been deeply unhappy in previous roles. 

I do do things for myself, I go to yoga once a week at 7am before my husband starts work, I get a massage once a month. I could take more advantage from my mum to give me some time on a Friday when she is off or at the weekend. But I haven't told her about the autism because I don't think she would ever understand unless it was formal diagnosis. 

I do run a VERY small business, I haven't even made enough to file a tax return since having my daughter and only managed it previously due to the pandemic. Sewing is what I do for it and it's my special interest, but it's basically impossible to do anything with a toddler around and one that doesn't really sleep. I thought I could take advantage of 15hrs free childcare in April but after looking into it I don't think I'll qualify as I've been self employed longer than a year.

So I guess what I'd love to here is how to you balance and create something that resembles a functioning life with a child when your autistic!? Everything I Google talks about having an autistic child not about being a parent with autism. I have a wonderful life, but I think I'm burnt out and it's making me miserable because I don't know how to fix it.

  • in reply to NAS89769

    I can understand why you might worry about that but I don’t think anyone with any understanding of autism would think you were ‘crazy’ for raising it as a possibility. Being autistic is more common than many people realise - it’s a reasonable question to ask if you have many autistic traits. 
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. With a 5 month old child I think that’s far from unusual. With my first I was in a complete blur for well over a year! I think if you can find some acceptance within yourself of how you’re feeling it can help ease the pressure a bit. I think that often we are in that frame of mind of “I shouldn’t be feeling like this” - and that only makes us feel worse. It’s ok and normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes - especially when you’ve recently had a baby. It’s an huge adjustment in almost every area of your life and it’s bound to be very unsettling and challenging. And you won’t always feel like this. 

  • I am seeking a formal diagnosis and currently have a 5 month old and can truly understand what you are saying. I feel like it really makes my problems shine in the worst way. Have been seeking some help but I don’t bring up my thoughts of having autism as they would probably think I’m crazy and they have just been telling me it’s postpartum depression which may be on top of my autism but I feel like I’m drowning. 

  • Hi Slight smile

    My children are both in their early twenties now but I do remember vividly their early years when looking after them seemed to take every waking moment I had. It did feel overwhelming at times and it was frequently exhausting. I also had work that I did from home, but there wasn’t any significant time to do that until they started school.

    I hear many positives in your post - firstly that you’re able to stay home and look after your child - which is something a lot of people would like to do but can’t, so it’s great yo7 can do that. As you say - if you were going out to work that would bring many pressures that probably wouldn’t help! 
    secondly - your partner sounds great and really supportive, and it sounds like your mum wants to help to, so don’t feel bad about asking for the help you need. All young mothers need help along the way - that’s completely normal. So accept all the help you can get - including from your mum.

    I should say that I’m autistic and both my children are too. Also - my eldest barely slept at all (it seemed anyway) for his first 2 years - and we (me and his dad) were so tired we were like zombies most of the time! And then when he got to about 2 my son’s eczema (which was keeping him awake) suddenly improved and his sleep massively improved too - which was amazing. Finally! So it’s worth remembering that young children are constantly changing and the sleeplessness will at sometime change - because eventually all children change and move on from things. And our second child slept really well - which was a relief!

    So overwhelming as it seems right now - don’t worry because it really will change - and maybe soon. And the time will come when you have a lot more time for your sewing projects - and when that time does come you’ll appreciate doing that work so much more because you’ll know how precious that time is. So you’ll make the most of it, and probably be much more productive than ever before. 

    It’s great that you’ve made the first move to getting a diagnosis - that’s a really positive thing. You don’t need to tell your mother - I also didn’t tell anyone other than my husband and children until I actually got the diagnosis. You’ll know when the time is right - and if you decide not to tell people at all that’s also fine. You’re in control of this and it’s your choice who you tell. I also felt my father wouldn’t take it seriously unless I had a proper diagnosis- and even with it I still don’t think he takes it very seriously to be honest. But that’s just him - he’s not very informed about things like autism. 

    in terms of feeling overwhelmed as a mother of a young child - I think most mothers feel overwhelmed at times. Being autistic brings its own challenges, but it can also bring advantages too. I think if I wasn’t autistic I probably would have been doing a conventional paid full time job - but being autistic probably was part of the reason that I was doing creative work from home instead - and that was why I was able to stay at home and bring my children up myself. And I think I did a pretty good job of doing that most of the time - and now they’re all grown up (the time has gone so fast!) I’m so glad I was able to spend all that time with them - and they tell me they were really glad I stayed at home to look after them. 

    Anyway - take it day by day, be kind to yourself, accept all the help you can access don’t look ahead too much. Just take each day as it comes. I’m sure you’re doing much better than you probably feel you are, and your partner sounds great. Good luck!