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Recent Late-Life Diagnosis, PTSD, Menopause & Husband with Suspected Inattentive ADD

NAS83418

Hello everyone - I’m in a major crisis and don’t know where to turn just looking for support, I guess.

I’m in my late 50’s and in February this year was diagnosed with Autism. It had never occurred to me up until the previous August that this was the reason why my life was so difficult. I had CBT for 9 weeks then my therapist said he wasn’t qualified to deal with the deep issues I have due to my childhood and put me back on the waiting list. Despite telling them twice that I’m in crisis and a very dark place, they haven’t followed up.

I discovered a month ago that I’m suffering with extreme menopause symptoms and have been placed on HRT.

Myself and my children think my husband has undiagnosed Inattentive ADD. He’s got us into terrible debt so many times, he’s lied about our mortgage and he owes in excess of £116 k as he’s only been paying interest for the last ten years. He lies all the time. 

He forgot to enter financial details for our youngest child’s student loan despite promises and reminders. We set up so many ways to help him but he “forgets” to use them. He has zero motivation and yet again has lost his job! He won’t fill in the forms for his ADD referral - he’s in denial and can never say “I forgot”. This is having such a profound and damaging effect on all our lives. We’re all out of ideas on what to do. We stand to lose our house and he won’t do anything.

Im in a bad way with my mental health. I’m dealing with so much. I don’t want to support him anymore because it all feels like such a waste of my very precious energy because he forgets what you advise him to , won’t make lists and then lies and gets defensive. I’m so broken, so tired. My youngest daughter says I’m not very nice because I don’t want to support him anymore. The strain of masking to the outside world is exhausting. 

Does anyone have any ideas, please

  • Some tiktokers I follow who will help: in.play.we.trust

  • I'd say get on TikTok; it's where the autistic community is. Me in the same boat as you. Learn all you can about yourself and get in to therapy. CBT doesn't work for autistics. 

  • Hello,

    I think you've had some good advice here but I want to write a quick note of solidarity, as in I was diagnosed in my late 40s, am in my 50s now and have been going through menopause.  The menopause settled down a lot once I got the HRT patch at the right dosage.

    So please know that it will get better.  'This too shall pass'.  And meanwhile you can focus on your most urgent problems and get some professional advice.

    As guybrushthreepwood said, if you can get some good counselling to talk you through that would be great too.

    Hoping with you that things improve soon,
    Helen Slight smile 

  • Hi,

    Sounds like you need to seek legal advice first on where you stand with regard to the mortgage, and make informed decisions that protect your kids and yourself. 

    Debt and money - Citizens Advice - In the top left corner of the page select the UK country you reside in.

    Money troubles | MoneyHelper - UK Govt money advice website 

  • in reply to NAS83418

    “I’m in a permanent state of meltdown as I never know what is going to come at me next.  Is this another form of abuse?“

    My friend ultimately left her husband for this reason. She couldn’t cope with not knowing what she would come home to and it wasn’t safe to leave him alone with their daughter as he was having problems with alcohol and prescription medication. One time she even came home to find him unwell enough to need to be rushed to intensive care, that was the final straw on top of him being controlling as well. That’s her story obviously only you know the full story of your life but if there are no really no more options left then maybe you need to think about breaking yourself free from the situation to save yourself from the intense stress

  • in reply to GuybrushThreepwood

    Thanks  for taking the time to reply.

    He’s had an official warning from the bank but has ignored the letter. He’s got CCJ’s and defaulted on one of them in the last year alone- I had to step in and resolve that as he’d ignored the letters, texts and emails. Nothing works. The mortgage is in his name so they won’t talk to me. I’m completely broken. I’m in a permanent state of meltdown as I never know what is going to come at me next.  Is this another form of abuse? He’s done so many things like this and the worst of it, is that the whole family planned for me to go part-time next year, due to health issues and to spend more time with my grandson. The mortgage was due to be paid off next year. Now that has been taken away from me  - I have literally lost the will to live and still he lies and won’t do the stuff he needs to do

  • I understand you, there are only so many times you can keep reminding someone of stuff (especially when they don’t do it) before it breaks you, I’m assuming your daughter even if an adult doesn’t have the life experience to understand that or the true severity of what is going on. You do see your parents through different eyes as well. Can you talk to Citizens Advice or a solicitor or the bank about the financial issues? Could he get onto a debt repayment or consolidation plan? Sometimes they can freeze repayments for periods of time in the case of something like a job loss. It’s possible with the nature of ADD that he needs an ultimatum before he acts like an official warning from the bank or you threatening to walk out and leave him in the mess he created but with such a big problem that may all come too late for it to be fixed . It is very difficult when someone is in denial about everything and resisting help, can you afford to pay for a private therapist in the meantime? Even if it’s once a month or so just so you are talking to someone.