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What strategies do parents use when it gets too much?

struggling mum

My son went missing today after an argument. Thankfully found safe and well at a local friends house. The time between however was sheer panic, drove round looking for him then almost had to call police cause didn't know what else I could do. I dealt with the situation extremely calmly as per but inside I feel totally overwhelmed. It's me a tough year for us both and I'm struggling to cope repeating this pattern of seeming calm but totally overwhelmed inside. We have some good people in our lives but I resist confiding in them as despite their good intentions I either end up having to calm them down (they panic) or I feel judged (well my child would never do that etc) Wondered how other parents cope what you do when they feel overwhelmed please? X

  • Former Member
    Former Member in reply to struggling mum

    It's time to get social services involved if he's being aggressive and abusive. I know it's scary asking for help but if he's being threatening towards you then you need help.

    Start with your GP, but don't be afraid to get the police involved when he next absconds.

    I know it feels like a failure, but it's not. My partner wished he had done so with his 20 year old when she assaulted him when she was 14...it turned out she's got ADHD. Because it went through theBeefamily court instead she was given 100% custody with her mother and no counseling. If the police had been involved (he had significant injuries) then questions would be asked. Bee

  • in reply to Former Member

    Thank you all for your responses it means alot to know I'm not alone. We had an ok day yesterday as around other people but unfortunately soon as we got home I got a tyrant of abuse because he left his bag at my partner s house which was of course my fault. His saying I have said things I haven't and if I protest he explodes saying I'm calling him a liar. He obstructed me moving around the home and I had to block myself in my room to create space. He won't listen to anything I say and everything is always my fault. This has been ongoing for a long time and I've only ever wanted my son to know his so loved and to be happy. I now feel an overwhelming desire to escape and be alone. I don't want to be around anyone. I do find nature helpful at times. I think theres some great apps but sd won't have anything I suggest. It all feels pretty hopeless. Im hoping it will past and I can feel strong again x

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Rather than telling people in a crisis, make time to work through some safety plans to enact next time he absconds. That way you have a plan in place and people know what to do to help.

    Additionally a good old social story about why he can go to certain places if upset BUT he needs to let someone know. My mother dealing with her ND brood told us to ring the police if we ran away so they didn't waste time and resources looking for us ;)

    As for managing the emotions. Go and got a pillow and scream into it, go for a run, chop wood, dig the garden...get the adrenaline out by using it up. Have a rescue plan. My GP knows I'm very conservative in managing anxiety and I have a small stash of temazepam to take a 1/2 if I get to bed and can't sleep after an anxiety provoking event. We listen to a lot of BBC Radio 4 comedy as part of our soothe routine.

    We've also developed strict rules about "parking" problems...so we never discuss the kids or their mother in our bedroom...3am and both awake means a trip to the sofa for a chat.

    I have a relatively expensive gym membership that provides me with regular support from trainers, fresh towels and hot showers...I get there 3-4 times a week for a minimum of 20minutes... cheaper than therapy! I'm in my mid 40s and  I could probably use my strength to restrain either of the girls if they were to badly melt down (only had to do it once so far when SD16 was 14)

    Last of all we found going on an autism parenting course incredibly helpful. 

  • We have considered asking our daughter of she would be happy having an app on her phone so we can see where she is. She likes to go pokemon hunting, and also bug hunting, and we know she is responsible, but also has no sense of time. She seemed receptive to it when we asked, and it would give us piece of mind as well (Plus she would probably forget its on her phone very quickly). Also we hav said if we know where she is, we would not have to come and find her so often.

    I am not saying this is a perfect solution, but for us its something we are looking at if she consents, but it woudl make her life and ours easier.

    As for feeling overwhelmed, we have 2 other children as well, and with 3 of them its very hard to find a way to calm down and relax. We spend most of our time seperating them out so they all have a calm time, as they do not play well together.

    We try and find at least 1 evening a week where we enforce an early night for all the children and sit and have a regular quiet evening with maybe a glass of wine. One day we may get  weekend away too, though its a bit of a pipe dream at the moment.

    Hang in there! You are not alone!