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Finding it very difficult today

Asha

Hi

Today is my grandaughters 4th birthday - I have not been allowed to see her openly for 3 years now - no reason given

The last time I saw her my son had to bring her secretly

My son has aspergers - - his wfe is a very cold woman and I am not strong enough to take legal action about it. 

His wife is weird - she has no converstion and she looks down on me and my daughter and I will not have her in the house - I have no intention of ever seeing her again - I tried to cope with his wife for 2 years and had to have counselling because of it. I thought I was doing something wrong - so I kept trying to get her to talk to me - but I had to accept that any relationship with his wife would make me very ill indeed.

It is very obvius to me and my daughter that Sophie is not my sons biological daughter - its as plain as the nose on your face.

Although my son is highly functioning he tends to trust people.

I dont have the heart to tell him that Sophie isnt his daughter.

Because of all the trouble his wife has caused and all the upset she has caused to me and my daughter we are emotionally drained.

So after 3 years I had to give up on seeing my grandaughter again.

I am on strong medication for stress now and cannot do anything about it.

But the good news is that I am keeping in closer contact with my son now

After being with his wife his behaviour had become very strange - he would talk to me like a stranger and he would be very polite - it was awful seeing who she had turned him in to.

I remember one of the times she came to my home - we had a barbeque. His wife made my son put cardboard on the grass so that she could walk on it - I have never in my life seen such a selfish self obsessed woman.

I am going to make sure that I stay in contact with him now - its early days but I can see that he is becoming who he used to be before he met her. 

Its just that today Sophie is 4 years old and she doesnt even know me - I dont even have a name - on her birthday card I have to write "from your Daddys Mummy" it is such a ridiculous situation.

But life is easier not seeing her - if I did then his wife would make it all so very difficult - she has the power to take her away from me again and I am just not up to all of that - I have had a very difficult life and my body is emotionally drained by it all.

I know I will be ok tomorrow - it just hits me all over again on days like this.

So I am doing the best I can which is to show my son all the love I can muster and make him feel loved because there certainly is little love in his family.

Its such a weird situation - but at least I can write it here and get it off my chest.

  • Don't worry Asha, you didn't hurt me directly, it's just that my mum is in a similar position (the ASD bit only, and a few years short of 40) and has said things that imply she feels like this too and that did hurt, even more so because I find it difficult to tell if they were things she said lightly without actually meaning exactly what she said or if something slipped out of her that she genuinely thinks all the time but would normally not say. Guess it's the first one for you and perhaps you rather meant "it's difficult enough (at times)" or something of that sort but if this were a comment about me then the literal meaning would hurt much quicker than I would be able to come up with alternative meanings and this pain would further reduce my ability to do so, and since taking things very literal is quite common for people with ASD I guess that may apply to others too. It would even be possible that your son reads this here, you never know.

    Guess that's quite a common thing for people with ASD to happen regularly, to say something without any intention to hurt or offend others, but it happens because other people seem to tick different somehow.

    All the best that you can at least keep the relationship with your son going, he'll probably need someone he trusts in case he decides at some point that this woman isn't really for him. Not knowing any of you obviously, but I wouldn't be so sure that he really doesn't have any doubts that he is the biological father of his daughter if it is as obvious as you say, but perhaps his love for her is stronger? Given the background he may fear losing her, so even if he does or will perhaps not love his partner forever, that could be quite a strong reason for staying with her. Perhaps he actually really likes looking after his daughter, even if his partner is somehow taking advantage of him there? Guess realistically he isn't a little boy anymore, he's an adult who is bringing up a child which does also make people grow up, usually their parents also start seeing them more as grown-ups then but perhaps the fact that you can't be a granny for his daughter is preventing that from happening?

  • Dear Oktanol

    I am sooooooooo sorry that I hurt you. I feel mortified that I have hurt you.

    If you knew me you would know that I never meant it to sound as it must have to you.

    I have removed that remark.

    I dont regard anyone who has any type of disability as being less than other people. I have a disability myself.

    I tell him just how special he is as much as I can

    You see I knew for many years that there was something wrong between us and I kept trying to put it right but I couldnt get close to him.

    At least now I know that he loves me and that really is all I need to know.

    He also knows that I love him - I would die for either of my children.

    We only found out that he has aspergers a few months ago and I have been finding it very difficult to accept.

    But now I can accept it. When you have had a child - you have a certain view of that child. For any mother to find out that the child she thought she had is not who he really is - is devastating especially after nearly 40 years. He is very highly functioning and he is just like my little boy again now and I want to protect him but I cant, I dont see him often enough.

    Its not that he has Aspergers really its more that he just is not who I thought he was.

    Parents go through a grieving process when they find out that one of their children, no matter what age, has a disability of any sort.

    He was a very sensitive child and he still is - I am also which is why I have PTSD.

    I only hope you can accept my apology.

    I never meant to hurt anyone but I can see how it would if you took it personally.

    No ones perfect - we all make mistakes.

  • Hi QuirkyFriend

    Thank you for that, wll have a read of it

    Problem is that he doesnt live close to me, and he wants it to be happy families and it never will be.

    I bought him a book called Happy Families and How to Survive Them. I used that book when I was bringing up my children as a single parent

    What he needs to see is how toxic his relationship with his wife is.

    I dont really know what goes on in their relationship most of the time. It is going to take a long time before he opens up to me - he is very loyal to his wife.

    The only thing I am sure about is that he is not happy.

    I managed to get him to take up running =he always liked his sports

    He works from home and is nothing more than a glorified babysitter for her.

    I am hoping that as time goes by his eyes will open.

    If I start to criticise his wife I may alienate him and then all would be lost - so the best thing I can do is to slowly work on him and hope that I plant enough seeds.

    I never expected all of this.

    I count my blessings these days.

    I used to pray but I dont bother to do that any longer.

    At least if I can get a good relationship with my son then he might just see what a healthy relationship is like.

  • In that case you don't want to let him know that "its bad enough having a son who has aspergers"...

    Perhaps it's something people say lightly but it really hurts if it's about yourself who didn't turn out satisfactory.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi you might find it useful to read on the Shrink4Men blog which explains a bit about these kind of abusive relationship