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Manners when visiting others homes

MMMcMama

My son is 22 and was diagnosed with autism when he was 3. Whenever we go anywhere he gets very anxious and has to quickly familiarize himself with the new location. When visiting peoples homes he usually starts in the kitchen and checks cupboards etc. If he sees food sitting on a cupboard or table unattended he will eat or drink it. I usually don't notice until someone says something about his bad manners. Do I just need to leave him at home?

  • Thank you for your reply. My son checks the "supplies" in the kitchen and worries when we don't have something or are getting close to being out also. He recently found a penny on my father's floor and my dad told him to give it back. Later he told him he could have it. He didn't understand any of it. The incident with the food was when we had stopped by my daughter's house to drop something off. It was around dinner time and they had just made tacos and it is one of his favorites. He immediately went to the kitchen and wanted a taco. I told him he didn't need to eat their food we were going to DQ in a few minutes. He was hungry and snuck into the beans and meat. My daughters husband later told her he had bad manners. He has said this more than once. Usually when I try to ask my son about his actions he turns away or ignores me. I don't yell or punish him but I do think he is very concious of doing the right thing and doesn't want to talk about his actions for fear of disapproval. Thank you again for your insight it helps to know I'm not alone.

  • Hi - has your son explained (or been asked) why he behaves like this?  As you probably realise he is not being deliberately rude, and as an autistic man myself, I feel there is probably an explanation that is very logical to him.

    Although I don't behave quite as described, I do share your son's anxiety if I visit anywhere new, especially other people's homes.  In my case, the anxiety centres around being offered food and - particularly - a drink, which (due to a childhood incident) I'm always afraid of spilling as the host hands it to me.  So I always refuse or find an excuse to leave the room when the drinks are served, so I can consume it later, preferably without anyone watching me.

    While I don't check other people's kitchens, I'm quite obsessive about checking my own, such as the "use by" dates of refrigerated or frozen food and counting the quantities of certain products in storage.  Only this morning, I informed my partner that our freezer contains 117 vegetarian sausages!  To me, this is important evidence that we have too much of this product and supports my argument that he should stop buying it.

    As for consuming "unattended" food, this reminds me obliquely of an incident about 50 years ago when I found an unexplained two shillings and fourpence on our living-room mantelpiece.  I pocketed it, even though I knew it wasn't mine, but was shocked when my parents accused me of stealing it.  They had taught me that cash - anyone's cash - should not be left lying around the house, so I had taken it with the genuine intention of safeguarding the money until the owner claimed it.  Perhaps your son has been taught that food should not be left out exposed to the air - or he's simply reacting to the fact that food is intended to be eaten and not wasted?

    I don't know whether any of the above helps to answer your question, but I'd be very interested to know your son's explanation for his apparent "bad manners".  Of course, he might not be conscious of the reasons for his behaviour - or he could be afraid to voice them if he feels it might get him deeper into trouble.