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How to encourage self control?

Hellsbells

Hi there.

Does anyone, maybe someone with personal experience, have any suggestions as to how to encourage my 10 year old son M, not to lash out when he gets upset?

It's a big ask for him and he's doing very well a lot of the time, but at school, if he gets wound up and finally snaps, then he kicks or throws things. I know this is pretty common for kids with ASD - he has Aspergers - as often the thing he blows up about is just the final straw after a whole lot of other stuff for him.

I had yet another phone call from school today, complaining that he'd kicked his teacher when she'd turned off the computer he was using because he should have been participating in a teaching exercise. I 100% don't want him to do this, but really sympathise with him. He'd had a difficult lunch time with another kid who he doesn't get on with, kicking him. When my son told the teacher (right thing to do!!!) the other kid burst into tears and apparently avoided a telling off. This meant he was upset all afternoon that the other kid had got away with it and that it wasn't fair. When M was asked to come off the computer, he assured me that he'd turned away from it - so in his book he'd done what he'd been asked, even though he hadn't joined the rest of the class on the carpet. "I quite often don't do that" he said - which I know is true. So this final injustice was just a push too far for him. He'd done as he'd been asked and been punished again by losing the unsaved stuff on the computer - and his golden time which was due to start in 20 mins!

My heart bleeds for him, it really does, but yet it's not acceptable for him to kick people - and we spend literally hours trying to impress this on him. He just can't help himself though.

Any ideas anyone???

Parents

  • I have my own theory about this if it helps. It depends on two factors.

    Most people rely on feedback, which may be non-spoken, that enables them to calm down over a perceived slight or umbrage. People on the autistic spectrum dont get that feedback.

    Secondly the need to analyse social situations in order to understand what is going on makes people on the spectrum intensely analytical, and leads to a propensity for spiralling anxiety and very negative feelings, low self esteerm, depression etc.

    Hence something that you would get over quickly, because you would see in others that they have forgotten, someone on the spectrum may still be trying to understand and may go through a number of interpretations trying to find a solution. There is nothing to stop the perceived slight pre-occupying their mind. Despite there being many such incidents, they will vie with each other for attention, which is what ups the stress.

    I think you have to accept that the lack of feedback in social situations is there for life. The resultant stress may be resolvable if someone could come up with a strategy for reducing the tendancy to worry over issues and fixate. All the medical profession seems to come up with is medication. But there must be a way, if someone on the health side would set their minds to it, of helping people on the spectrum to improve "how to get down off the ceiling".

    Everybody keeps trying to resolve social interaction, when it probably wont improve much. But stress control and strategies to reduce the analytical process might make lives easier.

Reply

  • I have my own theory about this if it helps. It depends on two factors.

    Most people rely on feedback, which may be non-spoken, that enables them to calm down over a perceived slight or umbrage. People on the autistic spectrum dont get that feedback.

    Secondly the need to analyse social situations in order to understand what is going on makes people on the spectrum intensely analytical, and leads to a propensity for spiralling anxiety and very negative feelings, low self esteerm, depression etc.

    Hence something that you would get over quickly, because you would see in others that they have forgotten, someone on the spectrum may still be trying to understand and may go through a number of interpretations trying to find a solution. There is nothing to stop the perceived slight pre-occupying their mind. Despite there being many such incidents, they will vie with each other for attention, which is what ups the stress.

    I think you have to accept that the lack of feedback in social situations is there for life. The resultant stress may be resolvable if someone could come up with a strategy for reducing the tendancy to worry over issues and fixate. All the medical profession seems to come up with is medication. But there must be a way, if someone on the health side would set their minds to it, of helping people on the spectrum to improve "how to get down off the ceiling".

    Everybody keeps trying to resolve social interaction, when it probably wont improve much. But stress control and strategies to reduce the analytical process might make lives easier.

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