Aggressive Boys

This really resonated with me ... like you I've two lads on the spectrum with my oldest having ADHD too.  My middle lad though (11 yo) struggles with rage ... the slightest wee thing can spark him ... he's physically aggressive at times, mostly with my husband and his two brothers but sometimes me too.  At school he's an absolute angel.  He's damaged so many things at home.  For my son, us staying calm is what helps most but it is honestly so completely draining. I'm also seeing that us being calm is becoming less effective ... not really anything helpful to say but I'll be following to see what tips other folks have to offer.  

Hi, your post highlighted some issues I've struggled with too and thought I'd post whats worked for my 13 year old.

I found with my son it was pointless to expect he would not hurt his mum because I was his 'mum' as you might expect other children to. I found emotion rarely worked (I wouldn't do that cause I love you etc) so focused on black and white rules when necessary instead. So I worked on a basic mutual respect.

First and most important strategy I found was to distract, when I could. If I saw he was getting frustrated or het up getting him to a different room, different task.

My son would threaten and/or break stuff at home if I threatened to take something away for poor behaviour. It was a sure way to get me to react afterall, I'm a single parent that works/saves hard for things (no spare money here!). What finally worked for me was to say 'ok but if you damage/break it you will pay to replace it' without ANY emotion and walk away (or keep walking to different rooms as he would follow and look distracted with another task e.g. washing up). He would then have pocket money even birthday money stopped until he had contributed/replaced said item. Believe me I felt terrible at the time but he no longer damages property to vent his frustration. During quite/calm moments I would keep calmly talking to him and asking him how he'd feel if someone came in and broke... well that's how mum feels when you... people are different, this is whats important to you like this is important to me etc. Often he would open up over what had frustrated him so I'd encourage what does he think a better way is to deal with the situation.

The swearing/name calling - the one person I would lay down my life for and the one person you has spoke to me like that. Heartbreaking! I wrote a list of swear words I'd heard him say (he was quite shocked I'd written them down) on a sheet of paper and told him everytime he said one he'd lose a set time on his console. First few times were very difficult with him arguing, shouting, more swear words but doing it consistently has helped greatly. Again by using a very matter of fact tone conveyed the message that he wouldn't get a reaction out of me with that type of behaviour. Also pick your battles, if he was clearly upset over something e.g. someone mean to him I would try to get him to calm down for a bit. If he came up with a new one I wouldn't ban his console first time because it wasn't on the list (something he delighted in telling me) but sure enough the second time it would be. I was also lucky enough to have my mum repeat to him calmly my message that people stop listening to his complaint when he swears and focus only on the rudeness of swearing so he doesn't get heard or the problem resolved.

I found it was only after weathering the storm of a meltdown that he would understand that if he does this then he loses that or that he would then open up over what was really frustrating or upsetting him. Que my asking him what he thought better strategies would be in dealing with situation. (I found if I suggested he wouldn't listen but if he was in control sometimes he would so I mearly guided to positive options).

The lies, oh I've had them, another heartbreaking behaviour. I haven't eliminated that one totally yet but he's well versed in the story of the boy who cried wolf together with a 'yea ok now come down for dinner etc' response to send the messsage that he will not get the reaction he was hoping for with that behaviour. I'll keep you updated.

These are just a few of things that have helped my son and I that may be worth a try. You need nerves of steel to make a child think your not bothered by their threat or action but I found it was only by doing that that I saw results. I wish you both the very best, its a hard, difficult road for our children and for us but its the little successes that give you the much needed relief from a tough but ultimately rewarding road that we and they tred.

Hi,

I am also in a similar situation with my 7 year old asd/adhd son, today I have been hit and shouted at in public and stones thrown at me he tried to break my car window and I have been trying to find the answer fir he last 3 years. Punishment like taking things away just seem to prolong the anger, I have tried everything. He is violent at school towards teachers too, and has already been excluded once, I know it's a matter of time before its permanent exclusion. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Any advice would be good I'm at the end of my teacher, I'm a single mum with very little help or input from his dad.