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Desperate mum

struggling mum

Im a single mum to a 13 year old boy with ASD. He is everything to me and I fought many battles to get him diagnosed, to learn about the condition, the support at school and to have the independence he strives for. Sadly now I am failing to cope. Most recently, he got very angry about me mentioning to my step father how the dog had slipped his collar on a walk but i caught him and is OK. He screamed that I was telling everyone (I hadn't). I said if he told me something upset him I wouldn't say about it. I go to another room to see my mum creating a bit of space and he follows screaming I was talking about it again. Both me and my mum explained I wasn't to which he screams I'm a whore and he hopes I die of cancer, which my aunt has, just a couple of days ago. My mum spent a long time trying to talk to my son, explaining I had no idea and that I'm sorry it upset him so much but his having none of it and completely ignoring me. I'm seriously struggling. I feel I'm a verbal punchbag. He says things to embarrass me like telling my dad I said my dad should give me £5000. Will argue with everything I say. Never wants to do anything other than play his games. Fine with everybody else! I believe he hates me. It's been a long long journey and I'm struggling to keep myself together. Maybe I'm selfish thinking about how I feel or depressed, I'm aware I'm sensitive but those sort of words every so often hurt so much. Sorry for the ramble, I'm praying for some constructive thoughts please x

  • Hi mate, 

    You're child seen how much you do and care for him , after a meltdown with my son at 15 ,..he was also very angry and abusive ...called me things I won't repeat,..that's when I lost it too,over the years I've been cautious and aware about his needs ,..but I thought no more , so I screamed back at him he was welcome to live with his dad and from now on speaking to me like this is okay ....but from the other side of the door!!....he lasted 1 week ,( and that was because I made him stay,),...because of his asd he takes things literally,....HE GOT THE FRIGHT OF LIFE .....so while he has since has big meltdowns .....he ANGER is focused on those making him angry rather than everyone else whose trying to help him,,,IT WAS A KICK UP THE BACKSIDE HE NEEDED...,...if it seems he's drifting back I just say to try and stay calm go into your room,...sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, BUT THE LEVEL IT WAS BEFORE HAS THANKFULLY GOT A LOT BETTER,

    Good luck

  • Hi Struggling mum,  I have to say I agree with a lot of what Clairehig says. He is a teen and going through puberty AND has ASD. As a teen with HF Aspergers undiagnosed, I was horrible to my parents and they didn't know what to do. They thought I just had ADD. As a mother  with HF Aspergers, I can tell you that what you are attempting is not for the faint hearted. Getting him through the teen years. You cannot give him the satisfaction that anything he says is puching your buttons. My son made it a hobby to push the envelope when it came to teachers especially if they ever used improper grammer or didn't give a better way to solve a math problem. Whew. Glad to be done with that mess!

    I also have a son with HF Aspergers. He got really disrespectful one time (at 13 yrs old) and had to carry a 12 foot piece of telephone pole for a day around the property. He decided it wasn't worth it again. But my hubs is retired special forces, and that is how they handle things. Anyhow, we were able to reconnect with him through his video games. The hubs plays some of the same games he does and they chat about the different teems and such. We have a really strong relationship with him now (16 years old). 

    I should add that at first, when he was diagnosed it made him really angry for anyone to talk about it. He was insulted. So, I stopped talking about it until we were close again. We talk openly about it now. He has had time to allow it to resonate and do his own research. His girlfriend is also HF Aspergers, but I don't believe she will be able to join the workforce when she is an adult as her sensory issues are very severe. 

  • Hi

    Please remember that he's a teenager & that creates problems in itself. Teenagers with all their hormones, often get up to all sorts of mischief. My non-autistic brother got drunk on his friends parents alcohol at that age & was found passed out on a front lawn. And had to go to hospital to have his stomach pumped. He pushed his boundaries. And it caused my parents a lot of concern. Even though he didn't have autism & was aware it would.

    Add autism to being a teen & there's bound to be more issues. It will take your son more time to learn how his behaviour makes you feel & how he should respond. He may assume that you feel things as he does or that you should. It will take him time to learn that how he is behaving is unfair & not acceptable. At a very young age children centre the world around themselves. They learn to assume that we exist only to take care of them. This assumption can persist for longer in those with autism. If he doesn't learn to have more compassion, he will end up seriously offending others, not just you. Although he may value you, it seems he has little compassion for you. Neither of you are at fault. But it may benefit him & others if he could receive some professional help.