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Problem at school, but can't explain...

Saneasever

 Hi. Hoping somebody reading this might be able to help. My daughter (A. 9yrs old, Aspie) has a problem of some description at school. I say 'a problem of some description' because, try as I might, I can't seem to find a way of getting her to find the right words to explain exactly what it is without her getting so anxious that she starts to cry. All I've managed to glean is that it's something to do with a group of children at school, and the problems getting worse (her words). She hates school now (as a result) and will find every cuss word that isn't swearing to vent just how much she hates it, or she'll cry and get herself really worked up. She's never been one to act like this about school, and I don't know what to do to help her. She's only been diagnosed for 5 months, her peer group isn't aware of her diagnosis as yet (she's hoping to tell them at some stage after this half-term with the help of the ASD outreach team). How can I help her if she wants to explain but can't? (Incidentally,(A.) saw me writing this. She wants me to tell you that it's VERY IMPORTANT). I know that she really wants to tell me and get some help, but she just can't. What should I do???

Parents

  • Bullying is often the reason for our kids difficulties at school. 9/10 years old is about the time that kids start to change and join peer groups that make their own rules rather than follow the norms that are given to them by parents/teachers. Anyone who does not pick up on this step change is marked out and picked on. It is ironic that, in order to assert their emerging sense of self, children should insist on conformity to a new set of norms and punish those who, for whatever reason, do not or cannot conform. 

    Marc Segar famously wrote about the unwritten rules by which most people live their lives. Neurotypical people seem to learn these rules by intuition. Autistic people struggle. They are picked on because they do not assimilate the ever changing norms of emerging adolescence. 

    The best way to help is by the buddy system. If the school gets it regarding autism they can recruit the kids on the A list - smart, sporty, popular - to adopt the autistic kid in their class. One, they keep them safe from bullies. Two, they take on the job of providing positive role models and guiding them through the minefield of puberty. In some places it is called Circle of Friends or peer mentoring. 

    If you are embarking on disclosure at school this would be a good time to set up a buddy system. The other side is that autistic kids at this age often discover that the do not belong at exactly the time when they want to belong. Coming to terms wth difference at a time when you want to be like everybody else needs specialist support. There are resources like the books by Peter Vermeulen as well as published accounts by young autistics. The NAS publications department ought to be able to help here.

    The bottom line is that there are problems here affecting your daughter's mental health. Help is available. The NAS You Need to Know Campaign has a page called Help Now It also might be worth considering keeping her off school for a while until you can get to the bottom of this, unless she needs the school routine. With hindsight I wish we had pulled our son out of school before we hit the crisis. But every child is different and only you can make that judgement. 

Reply

  • Bullying is often the reason for our kids difficulties at school. 9/10 years old is about the time that kids start to change and join peer groups that make their own rules rather than follow the norms that are given to them by parents/teachers. Anyone who does not pick up on this step change is marked out and picked on. It is ironic that, in order to assert their emerging sense of self, children should insist on conformity to a new set of norms and punish those who, for whatever reason, do not or cannot conform. 

    Marc Segar famously wrote about the unwritten rules by which most people live their lives. Neurotypical people seem to learn these rules by intuition. Autistic people struggle. They are picked on because they do not assimilate the ever changing norms of emerging adolescence. 

    The best way to help is by the buddy system. If the school gets it regarding autism they can recruit the kids on the A list - smart, sporty, popular - to adopt the autistic kid in their class. One, they keep them safe from bullies. Two, they take on the job of providing positive role models and guiding them through the minefield of puberty. In some places it is called Circle of Friends or peer mentoring. 

    If you are embarking on disclosure at school this would be a good time to set up a buddy system. The other side is that autistic kids at this age often discover that the do not belong at exactly the time when they want to belong. Coming to terms wth difference at a time when you want to be like everybody else needs specialist support. There are resources like the books by Peter Vermeulen as well as published accounts by young autistics. The NAS publications department ought to be able to help here.

    The bottom line is that there are problems here affecting your daughter's mental health. Help is available. The NAS You Need to Know Campaign has a page called Help Now It also might be worth considering keeping her off school for a while until you can get to the bottom of this, unless she needs the school routine. With hindsight I wish we had pulled our son out of school before we hit the crisis. But every child is different and only you can make that judgement. 

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