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Problem at school, but can't explain...

Saneasever

 Hi. Hoping somebody reading this might be able to help. My daughter (A. 9yrs old, Aspie) has a problem of some description at school. I say 'a problem of some description' because, try as I might, I can't seem to find a way of getting her to find the right words to explain exactly what it is without her getting so anxious that she starts to cry. All I've managed to glean is that it's something to do with a group of children at school, and the problems getting worse (her words). She hates school now (as a result) and will find every cuss word that isn't swearing to vent just how much she hates it, or she'll cry and get herself really worked up. She's never been one to act like this about school, and I don't know what to do to help her. She's only been diagnosed for 5 months, her peer group isn't aware of her diagnosis as yet (she's hoping to tell them at some stage after this half-term with the help of the ASD outreach team). How can I help her if she wants to explain but can't? (Incidentally,(A.) saw me writing this. She wants me to tell you that it's VERY IMPORTANT). I know that she really wants to tell me and get some help, but she just can't. What should I do???

Parents

  • There needs to be a distinction between bullying in the neurotypical sense and bullying where the victim has aspergers. The problem for people on the spectrum is their higher sensitivity or sensory overload and often obvious difference, whether clumsiness, pedantic speech, understanding of humour including metaphors, organisation or appearance.

    This means that you are likely to be targeted by bullies because you are recognisably different, which finds more acceptance to the silent (condoning) majority, there are more behaviours to target, and you can be sure of an entertaining reaction due to being oversensitive or sensory overload.

    As a giant even at school age I was considered by teachers and my parents as perfectly capable of defending myself, and was given tuition in self defence. That isn't the point. I couldn't not appear different. But moreover my contemporaries quickly found that a combination of sounds and movements, especially towards the periphery of my visual field, caused me to become extremely agitated and distressed, and therefore entertaining. In such a state physical size and ability to throw anyone else just added to the entertainment value.

    In those days of course it was seen as necessary to toughen up softies, and my over-reaction was deemed as deliberate and that it attracted attention my fault. It intrigues me that I have otherwise avoided meltdowns, or let things go when I was in private, but I had frequent meltdowns in school.

    Therefore I am very concerned when people apply neurotypical bullying guidelines.  You have to address this in terms of behavioural characteristics of autism.  It is unfortunately going to end of as the autistic victim's fault, even in these more enlightened times, and often the bullies are doing no more than they would with a neurotypical victim better able to adjust and evade. And victims on the spectrum cannot merge into the silent masse of condoning onlookers, as can most neurotypicals.

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  • There needs to be a distinction between bullying in the neurotypical sense and bullying where the victim has aspergers. The problem for people on the spectrum is their higher sensitivity or sensory overload and often obvious difference, whether clumsiness, pedantic speech, understanding of humour including metaphors, organisation or appearance.

    This means that you are likely to be targeted by bullies because you are recognisably different, which finds more acceptance to the silent (condoning) majority, there are more behaviours to target, and you can be sure of an entertaining reaction due to being oversensitive or sensory overload.

    As a giant even at school age I was considered by teachers and my parents as perfectly capable of defending myself, and was given tuition in self defence. That isn't the point. I couldn't not appear different. But moreover my contemporaries quickly found that a combination of sounds and movements, especially towards the periphery of my visual field, caused me to become extremely agitated and distressed, and therefore entertaining. In such a state physical size and ability to throw anyone else just added to the entertainment value.

    In those days of course it was seen as necessary to toughen up softies, and my over-reaction was deemed as deliberate and that it attracted attention my fault. It intrigues me that I have otherwise avoided meltdowns, or let things go when I was in private, but I had frequent meltdowns in school.

    Therefore I am very concerned when people apply neurotypical bullying guidelines.  You have to address this in terms of behavioural characteristics of autism.  It is unfortunately going to end of as the autistic victim's fault, even in these more enlightened times, and often the bullies are doing no more than they would with a neurotypical victim better able to adjust and evade. And victims on the spectrum cannot merge into the silent masse of condoning onlookers, as can most neurotypicals.

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