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Aggressive Son

leanne35

Hello,

I am having issues with my youngest autistic son who is 11. He has always been a thrower and a breaker, I can't begin to list the damage he has caused to possessions and property over the years. He is also very detached from me and always has been. He shys away from physical affection, refuses to talk to me when he is upset and will lash out at me and spit at me.

Recently I am walking on eggshells around him. His anger is very impulsive and somtimes for no apparent reason. Lately he has been telling me to kill myself, he hopes I die of a dreadful disease. He has also said such things to other people. He constantly throws objects and sometimes it even appears that he is purposefully trying to break things. Today he deliberatly broke one of his brothers birthday presents in front of him. He appears to have no regards at all for consequences of his actions / words. I do try to impose sanctions for this behaviour but he gets very aggressive towards me on such occassions and tells me he doesn't care if he does something so bad that the police have to be involved. He just does not communicate with me when he gets angry therefore I can't help him. I fear for his future. We have zero CAMHS support in the area due to cutbacks and he is very difficult to work with on a one to one basis. I am at a total loss how I can help him control his anger. I have always told him that it is ok to be angry but it is not ok to get physical with it. I don't want him to think that anger is a bad thing to have, it just needs to be controlled. His behaviour is affecting the entire household at the moment and we are all quite miserable at the moment. I just feel like I'm bashing my head against a wall. Has anyone else had such issues which they have somehow managed to improve?

Many thanks

  • Hi, just wondered, is your son about to change schools if he is 11?  When my daughter has a change of circumstances such as summer holidays, a holiday, wanting to come back home from holiday, etc.etc. She has become aggressive.  I am trying to work out a better pattern and how to manage it.  As he is older than my child, do you have room for a punch bag somewhere? I don't know if it would work, but you have told him he can be angry - that could be his angry place.

    I can sympathise with the words, they really feel cruel, my husband passed away in May and (Jane) keeps telling me that she wishes he was here instead of me, that I am a wicked stepmother(I am her real mum), physically hurts me, and spits in my face.

    You mention that he doesn't talk to you when upset.  I have found over the years that when (Jane) is upset, I have to give her her own space.  I cannot touch her.  I give her a couple of minutes and ask if I can talk (normally shouts no back). But I can gradually encrouch her space.  she finds back scratching and singing theraputic, but if she is not ready, then there is no point.  Some of these meltdowns last for 20 + mins.  With the violent behaviour, I am having to physically remove her, but this is becoming dangerous.  I have to make her go upstairs, but she is starting to push me back down.  I am concerned she will hurt my boy soon, hopefully not, but hence the seperation.

    Hope some of this is helpful?

  • Hi Leanne35,

    I have an 11 year old son with Aspergers and ADHD.  I too endure anger outbursts and physical aggression from him and so I understand where your coming from..its not easy. He became worse once he turned 11 and we couldn't work out why, until I ended up phoning the autistic society in desperation one day, and they said it was probably due to the onset of puberty..well, he had been developing quite a bit physically and so being told this helped a little.

    I tell him the same things as you, that its ok feeling angry but not ok trashing things..doesn't stop it happening though!

    Wine is one remedy I would recommend!

    Do you have any idea why he is negative towards you?