Hi! This is my first post, and also my first real experience with autism, so I apologise if anything I say seems blunt. I need some guidance on how to behave with my housemate. I myself don't have autism.
He is 21 years old, and suffers from mild autism, mild aspergers, and very mild OCD. He only recently told me about this, and, since I have never knowingly interacted with someone with any of these disabilities, I had no idea and had always just assumed that he was a bit rude and oblivious. Now that I know, however, I am keen to understand him. I have read about the three, but internet articles tend to be vague to accommodate the vast variety of people suffering. My main issue lies in his behaviour. Allow me to elaborate:
His father was not present when my housemate was a child, and, as such, his mother was extremely leniant with him, coddled him to the extreme, and let him get away with serious behavioural problems. When he came to live with me, I quickly found that he had no idea how to cook any meals, clean, or perform basic DIY, because his mother had always done it. He often didn't attend school and was prone to tantrums late into his teens. I don't know if that was because of his disability, or, say, because his father was not around and she wanted to overcompensate. My other housemate has an overcompensating mother (and she has no disability), so she also has quite extreme behavioural issues (screaming outbursts, tantrums, and helping herself to the belongings of others). So, coming into contact with the both of them, I have no idea where the area of mental disability ends and the area of lax parenting begins. Therefore, I don't know at which point to hold my disabled housemate responsible for his actions.
I am reading about the disability to better understand him and to know how to best behave to make him feel comfortable, but I was also hoping for some specific insight from people with experience.
Some of his habits are annoying, and I would like to better know the difference between behaviour due to his disability (and therefore behaviour he can't help, and that I need to be patient with), and behaviour due to his lax upbringing (and therefore behaviour I can have a word with him about, because it's unnacceptable). I would also love to be able to know how to accommodate his disability, and better look out for him as a housemate.
Though he exhibits many 'normal' symptoms of his disability (flustered in groups, doesn't understand jokes or sarcasm, stunted and strange conversation), there are a lot of more specific habits he has. I can't tell whether these are due to his disability or whether they're from his upbringing. I want to make the distinction so I know how I can respond to them. Here are some examples:
- he keeps his own items spotless, but leaves the shared space in a disgusting mess. He throws rubbish on the floor, leaves out food to rot, and won't clean up after himself unless he is specifically told to. He seems to drop wrappers and whatnot without even registering their existence, and even bags of shopping with perishable items are left on the side for days and days until they stink and someone else has to throw them away. He doesn't even notice that they're thrown away.
- furthermore, if I say to him "stop leaving whole pieces of food in the sink," or "stop throwing your teabags on the counter and leaving them for others to clean up," he will smilingly and excessively apologise and then proceed to do it again in front of me, seemingly without realising or processing what I have said. No matter how many times I ask, his behaviour does not change.
- he does not take 'no' for an answer. He will nag me to watch TV with him, even when he knows that I am busy. Once when I told him I needed to go out for an appointment he shouted at me and demanded that I stay, and, frightened that he was about to get physical, I quietly perched on the bed. Even when I tell him I am busy, he is extremely pushy in his demands and will not back down, which sometimes makes me very uncomfortable because the more I reject him the more I feel like he is going to start shouting and screaming at me.
- if I ask him for a favour, such as answering the door for a parcel while I am out, he will always 'forget' or simply not bother, even if he is right next to the door. He is fine to answer the door for his own parcels, however, and has no problem asking me for favours.
- he believes that all of the food in the kitchen belongs to him, even though he doesn't buy it. He seems to think that it magically replenishes once per week and that no one else in the house eats, and therefore helps himself to anything, guilt-free. I once challenged him, asking "did you know that was [housemate]'s food? Did she say you could eat that?" and he responded genuinely confused, and replied "she has food down here? I thought all this stuff was mine. I didn't know where everyone else kept their stuff."
- he will run around and exercise loudly in the middle of the night, banging around on creaking floorboards with no regards for other members of the household.
- he washes his clothes at least once per day, usually in the middle of the night. Since my room is next to the washing machine, it always wakes me up with its screaming loud noises, and no matter how much I admonish him he never changes his behaviour. It is like he doesn't register what I've said.
My dad claims he is just taking the mick and taking advantage, but I would like to think that there is something genuine here. If anyone has suggestions on how to gently respond to this, and hopefully iron out some of these kinks to make life easier for the rest of the household and him, that would be fantastic.
Again, sincere apologies for the bluntness/ignorance here, I am just here to learn.
