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Looking for advice

JGDad

Hello, I am the father of a four year old daughter with autism who is the light of my life.  I am looking for some advice from another parent who has maybe dealt with a similar situation.  To cut a long and ugly story short, three members of my extended family sent texts to me with the most awful joke i have heard about people with learning difficulties and i cant forgive them or get past it.  I text them back asking if they forgot i had an autistic daughter and did they think i would find it funny. The  apologies they made were not accepted as they made it worse, eg in one text they said they were sorry but its the first thing that made them smile for weeks, etc etc i could go on all day with my thoughts on people like this but i wont.   I have since seen all of them at family functions and i cannot bring myself to even look at them or speak to them all i can do is try to bury my anger deep down, this of course makes things very tense and awkward.  Im tempted to abstain from being anywhere they are as i dont want my daughter around anyone who thinks learning difficulties are funny but then my children would lose out on seeing other decent family members, its difficult to avoid them at this time of year and i dont know what to do.  I thank you in advance for any help or advice you can offer me because i find this horrible situation deeply distressing.  Thank god my little angel is unaware of some of the disgraceful people she is related to.

Parents

  • Hi JGDad,

    I understand where you're coming from with this, sometimes people use these things without thinking through the upset it will cause others.

    I come from a family where ASD is common, my daughter, my niece, my sister! We also have narcolepsy, dislexia and epilepsy within my close family. As a family we often joke between ourselves about the various conditions (I have menieres disease and my mum has mobility problems) I think this is the way that we cope with the various stresses that various disabilities can bring. We also share all the good things that make us laugh, for example my brother in law used the term 'I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire' and my aspie niece said 'no you would tell him to stop, drop and roll' which gave us all a good giggle.

    I don't know the content of the joke but obviously it wasn't very nice, which is why you're upset. I don't know how easy your family members are to talk to, but if you are able, I'd get them together and explain why the joke offended you. Go into more detail than the fact that your daughter has Autism and also tell them some of the good things about her, the things that make her so special. Try and persuade them to find out more about her condition, internet, reading etc.

    When people don't understand something or are ignorant of a condition they see humour in offensive jokes, if they had more understanding they might not find it so funny. Also it would help them to understand the extra pressure that you're under as a parent, because as much as we adore our children, parenting a child with special needs brings it's own unique set of challenges!! and you don't need the added stress of fall outs within your family.

    I hope this is useful, I know I've rambled on a bit.

    Take care and I hope you get things sorted.

Reply

  • Hi JGDad,

    I understand where you're coming from with this, sometimes people use these things without thinking through the upset it will cause others.

    I come from a family where ASD is common, my daughter, my niece, my sister! We also have narcolepsy, dislexia and epilepsy within my close family. As a family we often joke between ourselves about the various conditions (I have menieres disease and my mum has mobility problems) I think this is the way that we cope with the various stresses that various disabilities can bring. We also share all the good things that make us laugh, for example my brother in law used the term 'I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire' and my aspie niece said 'no you would tell him to stop, drop and roll' which gave us all a good giggle.

    I don't know the content of the joke but obviously it wasn't very nice, which is why you're upset. I don't know how easy your family members are to talk to, but if you are able, I'd get them together and explain why the joke offended you. Go into more detail than the fact that your daughter has Autism and also tell them some of the good things about her, the things that make her so special. Try and persuade them to find out more about her condition, internet, reading etc.

    When people don't understand something or are ignorant of a condition they see humour in offensive jokes, if they had more understanding they might not find it so funny. Also it would help them to understand the extra pressure that you're under as a parent, because as much as we adore our children, parenting a child with special needs brings it's own unique set of challenges!! and you don't need the added stress of fall outs within your family.

    I hope this is useful, I know I've rambled on a bit.

    Take care and I hope you get things sorted.

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