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Looking for advice

JGDad

Hello, I am the father of a four year old daughter with autism who is the light of my life.  I am looking for some advice from another parent who has maybe dealt with a similar situation.  To cut a long and ugly story short, three members of my extended family sent texts to me with the most awful joke i have heard about people with learning difficulties and i cant forgive them or get past it.  I text them back asking if they forgot i had an autistic daughter and did they think i would find it funny. The  apologies they made were not accepted as they made it worse, eg in one text they said they were sorry but its the first thing that made them smile for weeks, etc etc i could go on all day with my thoughts on people like this but i wont.   I have since seen all of them at family functions and i cannot bring myself to even look at them or speak to them all i can do is try to bury my anger deep down, this of course makes things very tense and awkward.  Im tempted to abstain from being anywhere they are as i dont want my daughter around anyone who thinks learning difficulties are funny but then my children would lose out on seeing other decent family members, its difficult to avoid them at this time of year and i dont know what to do.  I thank you in advance for any help or advice you can offer me because i find this horrible situation deeply distressing.  Thank god my little angel is unaware of some of the disgraceful people she is related to.

  • Hi, just read your post and wanted to say I understand how you feel.  I've heard a few jokes that have hurt me but reacting doesn't seem to make a difference.  I'm proud of my boys and feel really privileged to be their parent even though I struggle at times.  If people feel that disability of any type is something to joke about then it's their loss ... they lose out on the privilege of knowing the depth and insight that my boys have.

    Sorry for rambling.

  • I know what you are talking about! I have met with many parents talking about the same issue. You play a very important role. You should be strong and believe so much in your daughter. Never feel shy or embarrassed! You are blessed with your daughter. I have an idea that might be very simple, but I think effective. Why don't you make a gathering for those people whom you meet at family functions and watch a video or a movie about autism. This will help them understand autism and the bright side of it.

  • ive been in a similer situration, in public, but dont turn it in to anger at the time you do feel, turn it into something positive , if anything its made you a stronger person, who stands up to their belifes, good for you aswell, its not just your daugter you stuck up for its for the 100, 000 of autistic children and adults u stuck up for,. i no its family members, people can be very heartless at times, but remeber you can forgive but never forget, at the same time, it really makes you wonder if people like this that can say offencive things are really worth nowin,

  • Many thanks for your quick reply, i found your comment at the end of your post particularly helpful about reminding yourself that you can manage just fine without these people and their attitudes.

     

     

  • Hi JGDad,

    I understand where you're coming from with this, sometimes people use these things without thinking through the upset it will cause others.

    I come from a family where ASD is common, my daughter, my niece, my sister! We also have narcolepsy, dislexia and epilepsy within my close family. As a family we often joke between ourselves about the various conditions (I have menieres disease and my mum has mobility problems) I think this is the way that we cope with the various stresses that various disabilities can bring. We also share all the good things that make us laugh, for example my brother in law used the term 'I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire' and my aspie niece said 'no you would tell him to stop, drop and roll' which gave us all a good giggle.

    I don't know the content of the joke but obviously it wasn't very nice, which is why you're upset. I don't know how easy your family members are to talk to, but if you are able, I'd get them together and explain why the joke offended you. Go into more detail than the fact that your daughter has Autism and also tell them some of the good things about her, the things that make her so special. Try and persuade them to find out more about her condition, internet, reading etc.

    When people don't understand something or are ignorant of a condition they see humour in offensive jokes, if they had more understanding they might not find it so funny. Also it would help them to understand the extra pressure that you're under as a parent, because as much as we adore our children, parenting a child with special needs brings it's own unique set of challenges!! and you don't need the added stress of fall outs within your family.

    I hope this is useful, I know I've rambled on a bit.

    Take care and I hope you get things sorted.

  • Hi,

    Ive had this problem many times (not just about learning disabilities but i also find jokes about racism and famous people dying very offensive too but it is deffinatly hardest to deal with the ones that directly relate to my kids) and Im sorry to say that I couldnt get people to understand how hurtfull these texts and comments can be so in the end I asked them not to forward on jokes to me as we obviously had different attitudes and sence of humor. I got a few nasty comments and accused of being snobish etc. I didnt stop seeing them at family events, I just cut all other contact and didnt involve them with my everyday life. At events I managed to smile and ignore things after time. My son is nearly 17 and I think parents develope coping mechanisums just like our kids do and we develope thick skins to protect our selves. I do obviously still get hurt and angry on behalf of my son but then I remind myself that I can manage just fine without these people and their attitudes.

    Sorry I couldnt give practicle advice just wanted to say you are not alone.

    Sam

    x