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growing up

coleman

hi, I am the parent of a 20 year old daughter with autism. She is amazing and we love her. I am just keen to reach out to other parents who have struggled with thier childs behaviours as they entered adulthood. I am pretty stressed out at the moment and would love some advice from anyone who understands. She has always been a challenge and obviously there have been many "tear your hair out moments" as she has grown up. Things most here would understand, socks not being pulled up right, shopping not in order in the trolly, crowd gathering public tantrums, etc, etc. We have been bitten, kicked, scratched and things have been broken. We have suffered the heartache of her not making friends and being socially excluded. I could go on but I imagine I dont need to. This has all been hard but we have on the whole managed pretty well. We try deal with most things with a sense of humour where we can. Now though things seem constantly difficult. She seems permenantly ready to fight anything and everything. Is this her way of having some sense of control, when everything else is so difficult? Do I give in to her behaviours now she is heading towards 21, or carry on the battle to get her to do things everyone elses way? An example would be her refusal to eat any meal with anyone but me in the room. She therefore has eaten every meal cold for months. Any advice would be greatly appriciated. thank youTongue Out

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Have you come across pathological demand avoidance (PDA)? Might this describe your daughter's behaviour? It is a recognised type of autism and there are recognised ways of dealing with it. It came up in the recent Born Naughty series on channel 4. The mother in that case was advised on strategies for combating it.

    How affected by autism is she? If she is relatively high functioning then at some point you have to let go and not dictate things like teeth brushing. AT that age you can make a suggestion or remind her but I expect she might act like a teenager and simply rebel. Sometimes people with autism grow up more slowly and you might recognise behaviours that don't match her age (this works both ways though - she might behave like an older person sometimes)

  • Thankyou for repling to my post. I on the whole embrace her being herself and find her outlook on life quite refreshing and she is very funny. I love that she wants to wear everything in her wardrobe with flowers on because flowers go together or that she stood motionless in the garden next to the bird table, with a piece of bread in her hand, hoping a bird would land on her. The trouble I am having is more to do with the mundane things in life. If she is getting ready and you ask her to clean her teeth, she wont because you asked her to. She will not come downstairs for meals when you call. It seems that she becomes really angry with any direct request to do ordinary every day tasks.  Thanks again for the reply.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    coleman said:

    Do I give in to her behaviours now she is heading towards 21, or carry on the battle to get her to do things everyone elses way?

    No, neither. That isn't the way forward. If you fight her then she will fight back. She has to have some way of being herself and that doesn't mean that she conforms. Allow her to be different.