.

Hi Dr3am3r

Not sure that I am the best person to comment as I am currently getting a divorce from my (probably AS) wife, i.e. don't take my advice, I obviously got it wrong  ...perhaps a bit of empathy though.

My oldest son is 13 and diagnosed with Aspergers.  My relationship with him is brilliant.  He mostly trusts me and will talk to me.  However, his relationship with his mum is catastrophic.  From the outside, I see two headstrong determined characters, who misunderstand each other and clash at every interaction.  They lock horns, take up their fighting stance and refuse to compromise in any way.  They just cannot communicate.  The crazy thing is that they are SO alike in how the process the world.  Again, from the outside, this is mad; they should so get each other.

Why does it work with me and not her?  It seems to have something to do with my ability to flex.  After/during some sort of teen Vs parent confrontation, I walk away from him, knowing that before the day is out, I WILL have throttled him.  I go for a walk, have some coffee etc and come back a bit fresher and I am able to apologise to him and say "Look, I'm sorry.  What you did was not OK.  If you are going to do <insert dodgy action here>, then you're going to have to accept that it's going to upset people and provoke the sort of response you saw in me.  However, I should know better and I shouldn't have snapped and I apologise for that."  This sort of approach seems to have brought me and my son so much closer.  The difficulty with his mum is that she will not flex.  She will play it out to the bitter end and so will he ...no matter how many weeks ...or months it takes.  Impasse!

Traditionally, six weeks before exams, I lose him.  The slightest thing would set him off and we'd have complete meltdown.  So this year I tried this: "your revision, your problem.  I am still here for anything you need help with, but the onus is on you.  My only condition is before you go and play on that Xbox, I need to see your three week plan that takes you from today to your first exam.  That's all you have to do ...make a plan ...that covers every subject ...in sufficient detail.  Then you can go play.  And tomorrow you start working through your plan ...and so long as you stay on top, you can play tomorrow as well."  Exams stress him out so much.  He has something like sixteen subjects to revise for and he just gets overwhelmed.  The plan gets him to break it down into manageable chucks and know that he can forget about everything apart from whatever chunk he is currently working on.

So, how do I handle his mum?  Honestly, I probably didn't when she lived here; a lot of the time I felt that there was another child in the house, or that she was working against me.  The trouble is I wanted an adult who would help me, not someone who was adding to the problem.  Now, it’s a bit different.  If there is turbulence between them now, it doesn't matter so much, because she leaves again and he calms down.  So I no longer have to worry about or try to change her behaviour.  This gives me the luxury of being able to say "this is what I believe and this is how I act with him and these are the results."  It's subtle and she gets to go away and think about it without feeling pressured.

God I go on and on, don't I.  I often don't know why things work (or don't) because I am feeling my way through this, rather than actually knowing what I am doing.  But I guess what I just said was ...autonomy, responsibility, low stress, low pressure, seeds rather than demands, guidance rather than control …for both child and adult.

Good luck!

Hi Dr3am3r

Not sure that I am the best person to comment as I am currently getting a divorce from my (probably AS) wife, i.e. don't take my advice, I obviously got it wrong  ...perhaps a bit of empathy though.

My oldest son is 13 and diagnosed with Aspergers.  My relationship with him is brilliant.  He mostly trusts me and will talk to me.  However, his relationship with his mum is catastrophic.  From the outside, I see two headstrong determined characters, who misunderstand each other and clash at every interaction.  They lock horns, take up their fighting stance and refuse to compromise in any way.  They just cannot communicate.  The crazy thing is that they are SO alike in how the process the world.  Again, from the outside, this is mad; they should so get each other.

Why does it work with me and not her?  It seems to have something to do with my ability to flex.  After/during some sort of teen Vs parent confrontation, I walk away from him, knowing that before the day is out, I WILL have throttled him.  I go for a walk, have some coffee etc and come back a bit fresher and I am able to apologise to him and say "Look, I'm sorry.  What you did was not OK.  If you are going to do <insert dodgy action here>, then you're going to have to accept that it's going to upset people and provoke the sort of response you saw in me.  However, I should know better and I shouldn't have snapped and I apologise for that."  This sort of approach seems to have brought me and my son so much closer.  The difficulty with his mum is that she will not flex.  She will play it out to the bitter end and so will he ...no matter how many weeks ...or months it takes.  Impasse!

Traditionally, six weeks before exams, I lose him.  The slightest thing would set him off and we'd have complete meltdown.  So this year I tried this: "your revision, your problem.  I am still here for anything you need help with, but the onus is on you.  My only condition is before you go and play on that Xbox, I need to see your three week plan that takes you from today to your first exam.  That's all you have to do ...make a plan ...that covers every subject ...in sufficient detail.  Then you can go play.  And tomorrow you start working through your plan ...and so long as you stay on top, you can play tomorrow as well."  Exams stress him out so much.  He has something like sixteen subjects to revise for and he just gets overwhelmed.  The plan gets him to break it down into manageable chucks and know that he can forget about everything apart from whatever chunk he is currently working on.

So, how do I handle his mum?  Honestly, I probably didn't when she lived here; a lot of the time I felt that there was another child in the house, or that she was working against me.  The trouble is I wanted an adult who would help me, not someone who was adding to the problem.  Now, it’s a bit different.  If there is turbulence between them now, it doesn't matter so much, because she leaves again and he calms down.  So I no longer have to worry about or try to change her behaviour.  This gives me the luxury of being able to say "this is what I believe and this is how I act with him and these are the results."  It's subtle and she gets to go away and think about it without feeling pressured.

God I go on and on, don't I.  I often don't know why things work (or don't) because I am feeling my way through this, rather than actually knowing what I am doing.  But I guess what I just said was ...autonomy, responsibility, low stress, low pressure, seeds rather than demands, guidance rather than control …for both child and adult.

Good luck!