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NAS18906 said:

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Like you said it is the fact that they are so similar (identical actually) and that should mean they get each other.

Actually this (i.e. they all suffer from ASD) means that both sides are similarly unable to see other people's point of view or to communicate successfully with other people. Some of my worst confrontations have been with people who I now recognise as being on the spectrum. Not only do they have difficulties understanding other people, they also have difficulties understanding themselves.

I'm sure that was the case with my family when I was growing up. Neither of my parents have ever apologised for anything, or even hinted that they may have been in the wrong. They are probably both on the spectrum but their characters are almost polar opposites (eg one obsessively tidy, the other a hoarder). As a teenager I used to fight them, but now we get on better but I just have their opposing emotional states fighting it out in my head! 

Funnily enough, we are all very typical of our star signs too!

Absolutely!  Hit the nail firmly on the head.  I used to look to my wife, in desperation, trying to understand what was going on in my boys head; a sort of "You must understand this.  You do this.  See that.  That thing he's doing.  It's you.  Help me understand.  Why is he doing it.  What's going on in his head" ...and she'd look at me like I was bloody mad!

On a serious note, dr3am3r, I think I probably alienated her a bit.  Where I thought I was acknowledging her superior understanding and trying to enlist her help, she was thinking I was blaming her and putting pressure on her.

Dr3am3r said:

Like you said it is the fact that they are so similar (identical actually) and that should mean they get each other.

Actually this (i.e. they all suffer from ASD) means that both sides are similarly unable to see other people's point of view or to communicate successfully with other people. Some of my worst confrontations have been with people who I now recognise as being on the spectrum. Not only do they have difficulties understanding other people, they also have difficulties understanding themselves.

Hi Dr3am3r

Not sure that I am the best person to comment as I am currently getting a divorce from my (probably AS) wife, i.e. don't take my advice, I obviously got it wrong  ...perhaps a bit of empathy though.

My oldest son is 13 and diagnosed with Aspergers.  My relationship with him is brilliant.  He mostly trusts me and will talk to me.  However, his relationship with his mum is catastrophic.  From the outside, I see two headstrong determined characters, who misunderstand each other and clash at every interaction.  They lock horns, take up their fighting stance and refuse to compromise in any way.  They just cannot communicate.  The crazy thing is that they are SO alike in how the process the world.  Again, from the outside, this is mad; they should so get each other.

Why does it work with me and not her?  It seems to have something to do with my ability to flex.  After/during some sort of teen Vs parent confrontation, I walk away from him, knowing that before the day is out, I WILL have throttled him.  I go for a walk, have some coffee etc and come back a bit fresher and I am able to apologise to him and say "Look, I'm sorry.  What you did was not OK.  If you are going to do <insert dodgy action here>, then you're going to have to accept that it's going to upset people and provoke the sort of response you saw in me.  However, I should know better and I shouldn't have snapped and I apologise for that."  This sort of approach seems to have brought me and my son so much closer.  The difficulty with his mum is that she will not flex.  She will play it out to the bitter end and so will he ...no matter how many weeks ...or months it takes.  Impasse!

Traditionally, six weeks before exams, I lose him.  The slightest thing would set him off and we'd have complete meltdown.  So this year I tried this: "your revision, your problem.  I am still here for anything you need help with, but the onus is on you.  My only condition is before you go and play on that Xbox, I need to see your three week plan that takes you from today to your first exam.  That's all you have to do ...make a plan ...that covers every subject ...in sufficient detail.  Then you can go play.  And tomorrow you start working through your plan ...and so long as you stay on top, you can play tomorrow as well."  Exams stress him out so much.  He has something like sixteen subjects to revise for and he just gets overwhelmed.  The plan gets him to break it down into manageable chucks and know that he can forget about everything apart from whatever chunk he is currently working on.

So, how do I handle his mum?  Honestly, I probably didn't when she lived here; a lot of the time I felt that there was another child in the house, or that she was working against me.  The trouble is I wanted an adult who would help me, not someone who was adding to the problem.  Now, it’s a bit different.  If there is turbulence between them now, it doesn't matter so much, because she leaves again and he calms down.  So I no longer have to worry about or try to change her behaviour.  This gives me the luxury of being able to say "this is what I believe and this is how I act with him and these are the results."  It's subtle and she gets to go away and think about it without feeling pressured.

God I go on and on, don't I.  I often don't know why things work (or don't) because I am feeling my way through this, rather than actually knowing what I am doing.  But I guess what I just said was ...autonomy, responsibility, low stress, low pressure, seeds rather than demands, guidance rather than control …for both child and adult.

Good luck!

Sorry, my mistake - more haste and less accuracy!

The psychiatrist that diagnosed me said that the environment around a sufferer is the thing that determines the health of the sufferer. If the environment is hostile and does not understand the sufferer then the suffferer will suffer. If the environment gives the person space and understanding then the sufferer does not need to suffer.

It strikes me that your son and husband could go for some relationship and autism awareness counselling together. His behaviour is well intentioned but it sounds as though it is contributing to your son's condition.

From your earlier posts, your husband may be as aspie as your son. Unless, or until, he accepts that fact then sparks are likely to fly. Undiagnosed Aspies are, unfortunatley, highly likely to end up divorced and it sounds as though your situation is reaching breaking point if you are going for counselling.

Hubby may be very resistant to being told that there is something wrong with him - it is very irritating to have someone tell you that your behaviour is officially odd and that the rest of the world is right/normal.

I also get the sense that you are (naturally) talking about, and thinking about, your son's ASD rather a lot. If your husband has a different opinion then this may just add to the stress that he already feels about the situation. If he is aspie then he won't be able to communicate his feelings very well and he may just bottle it all up until he breaks.

Your poor son :-( 

His reaction to your hubby's bullying behaviour sounds perfectly normal to me - that on top of the stress of exams is enough to test the patience of a saint. 

Other than threatening divorce (which I would probably do.. but then I am single, with a few anger management issues!) is there anyone your hubby listens to who can tell him straight out to leave the lad alone? Does he have any mates who could take him aside in the pub and talk some sense into him? Or a teacher, or your son's counsellor? 

Re Kalms, I don't think his age is an issue but they contain Valerian which can make you groggy, so may interfere with concentration. I would be tempted to crush a few up and put them in hubby's tea though......