tortured by her autism

13 does seem to mark a transition in both pressure to conform with peers (showing up difference) and bullying (and I agree with earlier poster about puberty and resulting confusions). "Image" becomes very important. So I would recommend tbag finding out what is happening in school. Is your child being bullied or finding it harder to form friendships because other girls increasingly want to conform, and associating with a different child could affect that?

Finding out can be tricky. Teachers may be reticent, for professional detachment, or more likely aren't seeing most of what goes on. Other parents may be useful - they may even be telling their little girls to avoid your little girl, while being "nice" to you up front. Your daughters anxieties about losing weight may reflect image, and a notion that being slim and attractive might offset other reasons for being treated as different.

Secondly increasingly frequent meltdowns suggest complex underlying causes. Don't try to relate minor triggers to meltdowns, as they may merely be the last straw, against a background of long term pressure.

I like the theories of Digby Tantam about there being a bandwidth constraint or bottleneck in terms of incoming environmental and social information. Also people on the spectrum tend to try to resolve confusion about social incidents that non autistics might more easily forget. So very quickly a whole raft of confusions and hurts and misunderstandings and injustices start to take up space in the mind due to going over and over them.

While it may be difficult to get your daughter to open up about this, identifying and resolving some perceived hurts and injustices might reduce the pressure that leads to meltdowns.

Horse riding might help, although I worry that some riding stables cash in on autism as a means of filling gaps in bookings. It can be quite expensive buying hours on horseback, and sometimes borders on slavery using young people as cheap muckers out, however much they sell the value of getting to know all aspects of horses. There are riding schools round the country offering horse riding as therapy for autism and other conditions.

While relating to a horse might be easier than people, it doesn't change things if other girls wont ride with her because she is different.

But I think the real issue here is finding out what deep down causes underlie the meltdowns. There may be a lot of things distressing her that a mother can defuse or alleviate.

sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like yoou needed to buy a pony. Go to a riding school they can offer various packages and even giving the horse a brush can help with bonding. I never had a pony as a kid. I helped at my local riding school, once I learned enough and I always had my fav riding school horse, who i loved like my own as did all the other kids without ponies. Also try contacting your local RDA they may be able to offer something as well. 

re: pets - what about going to a local dog rescue and walking dogs?  There's no obligation to go every week or month even.  I think the rescues are just glad of any help. 

Hi  - I don't have any real answers - wish I did  but I will listen always.  Do you have the support of your GP? Depends which county you're in as to any autism family support.  There is none as far as I'm aware in Bucks where we are.  But there is in Oxfordshire.    What about the SEN school - does it help?  I would definitely log as much as you can.   I apologise if all this is standard and been tried.   The NAS has got a standard template for a letter to ask for support but it means writing to social services at your LA (County Council)?    I've been advised by IPSEA/NAS Education Rights Service + GPs and Consultant to keep fighting.  Even to write to our MP.    ( I've just read the National Autistic Society Make School Make Sense report which just highlights some of the difficulties with schools.)

Hello,

I dont think I could afford a pony and she isnt very good at looking after pets, she doesnt have the understanding that they need care and time etc. But I am willing to try anything to help her. We do have a farm nearby that have horseriding lessons, Ill ask my daughter if she wants to try that. Thank you :)

Hi,

Yes sounds similar, my daughter also couldnt cope in mainstream school, she ended up at home with tuition for a year while statement was sorted out, she now attends a school for SEN. I am finding it difficult to know what to do to help her. I hate seeing her suffering so much.

Hi - I understand.  A lot of your points have been experienced here.  My daughter is also 13 years old with an ASD diagnosis and now is medically unfit for school. I have submitted a parental request for an EHC.  She has not been supported at school appropriately.  She is unable to leave the house (except in a car to go to local park with dog for 30 mins) when she was attending school 5 weeks ago should could only do this maybe once a fortnight.  If it helps to post I will reply.

Hi, I am only new to this. My son was diagnosed recently, he is now 7. However I have a an 11 year old daughter who doesn't have Autism but has went through Puberity from the age of 9. I think that perhaps a lot of the issues are perhaps to do with the hormones and puberty. A lot This on top of the autism is perhaps overwhelming for her to cope. Now dancing is great but have you ever considered horse riding. Horses are wonderful animals. Girls often adore  ponies and often class them as there best friends, speak to them, build a great bond and trust. I am not saying you have to have a pony. My daughter adores her pony and tells her everything, she is her best friend, pony selfies galore.