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Coping at university - AS son aged 23

Eve

I am interested to hear from others about supporting sons/daughters through university.

My son finds the stress of his current (highly academic course/university) too demanding but does not want to change to a less prestigeous university/less demanding course.  He finds it very difficult to focus on the reality of his experiences, and think about changing plans in order to be more likely to succeed.  He has had mentoring help at university but when the chips are down he does not turn up for the mentoring or study support, nor answer the phone or reply to txts from us, his parents. 

He has successfully completed five terms' work over a period of 15 terms, with long periods out due to depression or for breaks as he was behind with the work and not able to cope at the expected level, even with various allowances made.

It is difficult to put the right package of support in place (ie a foolproof one!).

We would like him to transfer to a university that he could attend while living at home, so that we could help him keep in the rails: get up & go to bed at a reasonable time, get to lectures/seminars (or at least not miss them as he had over slepty/not left his room, write the essays, eat, wash, socialise, keep an eye on his mental health/taking medication etc. 

Does anyone else have thoughts, tips or relevant experience?

Parents

  • Thanks so much for your long and thoughtful response.

    As you know, AS / ASD stories are often long ones, I am supposed to be working right now, but just checked and can't resist a quick response to your kind comments.

    Will is at one of two well-known universities with a college system and very high demands: two written pieces of work a week (essay, plus translation). Tons of reading of difficult, obscure texts.

    If he'd had the diagnosis sooner (it was only when he left home and went to university that the extent of his difficulties really became apparent) we might have encouraged him to find a more suitable university. Despite unexplained and mis-understood ups adn downs when younger, he got through school and college without major anxiety or time out, having support of family and school. Will did well at A levels (very well). University and living independently was too much, however. But Will didn't have the insight or language to explain what he was feelign or to knowwhat was happening. He blaimed homself adn did as much as he could to hide what he saw as his own failings. One major breakdown later and lots of health appointments and psychology appointments, plus lots of learning all round, plus disability/mentoring support, we're all still struggling on but it feels like we're going round in circles.

    Currently Will has applied through UCAS for a transfer, so maybe we're making progress. It's difficult giving up on the romance of dreaming spires but if you don't go to the lectures/classes/meals and spend most of your days in your room eating take aways its not really much fun, nor intellectually stimulating. More stressful and miserable.

    I want to help Will break the cycle and set a less lofty but more achievable goal. Baby steps needed, I guess. He's made huge progress in cracking the depression so, I'm sure progress can be made.

Reply

  • Thanks so much for your long and thoughtful response.

    As you know, AS / ASD stories are often long ones, I am supposed to be working right now, but just checked and can't resist a quick response to your kind comments.

    Will is at one of two well-known universities with a college system and very high demands: two written pieces of work a week (essay, plus translation). Tons of reading of difficult, obscure texts.

    If he'd had the diagnosis sooner (it was only when he left home and went to university that the extent of his difficulties really became apparent) we might have encouraged him to find a more suitable university. Despite unexplained and mis-understood ups adn downs when younger, he got through school and college without major anxiety or time out, having support of family and school. Will did well at A levels (very well). University and living independently was too much, however. But Will didn't have the insight or language to explain what he was feelign or to knowwhat was happening. He blaimed homself adn did as much as he could to hide what he saw as his own failings. One major breakdown later and lots of health appointments and psychology appointments, plus lots of learning all round, plus disability/mentoring support, we're all still struggling on but it feels like we're going round in circles.

    Currently Will has applied through UCAS for a transfer, so maybe we're making progress. It's difficult giving up on the romance of dreaming spires but if you don't go to the lectures/classes/meals and spend most of your days in your room eating take aways its not really much fun, nor intellectually stimulating. More stressful and miserable.

    I want to help Will break the cycle and set a less lofty but more achievable goal. Baby steps needed, I guess. He's made huge progress in cracking the depression so, I'm sure progress can be made.

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