Concerned what others think

My husbands main problem is being judged when our Son lashes out, or does behaviours that could be very dangerous or get us into trouble.  The thought of others judging him is a big problem to him

Thank you.  have to say I admire the way you and your Wife support each other to cope in a world that often isn’t understanding or sadly tolerant of Neurodivergent people, .  It sounds as if the way others treat you can be very difficult for you both  at times. 

Both my wife and I experience judgement from others, sometimes its our perception building on previous trauma, sometimes it is very very real. I am diagnosed ASC, she is seeking assessment for ADHD possibly, we both have along history of being bullied, disempowered, insulted etc.  

We, as others have said, have built an f you approach, in appropriate circumstances. Also we are working on supporting each other when these things happen. But its ever so hard and there are days when one of feels that the whole world hates us. Its harder when we are both feeling unjustly criticised or invalidated, so we are working together on some DBT skills, eg taking a long pause before reacting, or firing off messages and emails. We try to check the facts and having in most cases each other to objectively say how they saw it makes this especially useful. 

This is I know only helpful in a relationship similar to ours and I know finding to a special person is extremely difficult and painful. Im 68 and she is 60, we met in 2022 so are making up for lost time. 

One applicable takeaway could be to check out self help DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy).

Wishing you both well

AnA

Thank  you everyone for your helpful advice.  I mistyped the question and meant that my husband is bothered by what others think of our Son who’s Autistic.  If any would can help it would be much appreciated 

Unfortunately he cannot control how others see him. It is difficult but he needs to build a F*** them attitude and build a shield of protection around himself. By being his authentic self and accepting his autism he can free himself from the internalised ableism and shame.

Easy to say but in reality it is harder to to put into practice.

building a higher sensory tolerance, not always avoiding overwhelming situations - finding strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with them (and difficult people).

Sorry to hear your husband is feeling judged

All I can say is for him to be himself, do what he enjoys. 

Counselling helped me with my anxiety (about other things as well as what others thought), plus I spent time learning about who I am as a person and not who I became to fit in - I now know what I like doing and things that can help me fit in the world better

The below helped me to find out my sensory needs and adjustments I can do to help myself, maybe it would benefit your husband? 

https://nas.chorus.thirdlight.com/file/24/P-t5TW6P-T.27VHP-DWvPrD1dT.P/My-Sensory-Experience-resource.pdf

Hope this helps and just be there to support your husband on this journey

largely a result of living in a world set up for NTs (Neurotypicals) - why most of us suffer from Anxiety (social, performance anxiety) and trying to mask who we are

If he can spend more time with his own tribe, ND (Neurodivergent) and less in the NT world - then that may help.

But sadly we are largely living in a world that, doesn't work for us: whether that be in employment, socially or even in family relationships

Learning about himself may help (reading, some you-tube channels(  - but there's little support available, other than post-code lottery of finding a support group - although there's also online meet up which may be worth exploring