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Have just discovered that my daughter is ASD

Keren

I always thought she was different but who decides what different means? Aren't we all?

Maybe because I accepted her and understood her and not try to change her or make her be like someone else.

Im happy for her she has the label she really needed but I m not sure I can relate to it.  Or accept it even.

It feels like since puberty, she has changed and I put it into hormonal changes. Now she is labelled.  I've always hated label.  They don't tell us who we are, they just help other people placing us on a pattern and expect to follow.

I am sad, angry, disappointed (at myself, my child's insisting to go through the diagnose, my xhusband who took her)

I'm relieved for her as she wanted to know. She needed the label.

I'm in pain.

I love her to bits

It is hard to love her

It is hard to be a good mother to her

I'm struggling with the mixed of emotions I have.

My initial thoughts before diagnosis is - she will grow out of her challenges and will be fine. I had challenges when I was her age. I had some similar challenges but I got through them with age and wisdom and biological changes (hormones play a role for any woman).

We are all different and all have different needs. We learn to navigate our lives with what we have and what we encounter in life.

I thought she'd learn her way and find it.  No big orchestra about it. Just time, hormones change and experience in life.

I failed to listen to her and I failed to answer her needs.

Really rubbish mum.

Now I would like to apologize to her and let my ego aside. 

Pain and sadness is all I can see.

Trying to find compassion for myself and for her.

Parents

  • Ahhhh... bless you.  I'm sorry this is proving so difficult, but first up if you've been the sort of mum driven to just accept her as she is, then you've been exactly the right sort of mum for any Autistic kid.  Ask your daughter how she feels.  I'm willing to bet she thinks you are anything but rubbish.

    But do bare in mind that the label of 'Autistic' is not at all like those horrible psychiatric labels.  It can truly open doors for us; enable us to find our true selves, appreciate all of our strengths, build self confidence and help us pick apart why we've been finding some stuff tougher than it is for others and start to find solutions that work better for us, locate and talk to our tribe and feel better.

    What's really heartening is that it sounds like she wanted to go through the assessment herself.  That shows some really deep self understanding. Well, good for her but it's also a testament to all the acceptance you've given her for her to have the confidence to do that.  

    Yes, she will learn and find her way - just an Autistic way.  Now you all know you can be open with each other and learn together.

    You know I was born in 1965.  There was no way I could have been identified back then.  My mother too thought a lot of my struggles especially with the sensory stuff and the relentless bullying at school, were just about puberty or something I'd grow out.  It was all she could think.  She was offered no other explanation.  When in her 80s I got my diagnosis and showed her, she cried.  "I always knew there was something" she said "but the school wouldn't listen to me".

    Ahh bless her.  She did what she could with what she was given.  It's all any mother can do.  Please don't beat yourself up over what you could not have understood or controlled.  We don't know what we don't know and I very much doubt you are a "rubbish mother".

Reply

  • Ahhhh... bless you.  I'm sorry this is proving so difficult, but first up if you've been the sort of mum driven to just accept her as she is, then you've been exactly the right sort of mum for any Autistic kid.  Ask your daughter how she feels.  I'm willing to bet she thinks you are anything but rubbish.

    But do bare in mind that the label of 'Autistic' is not at all like those horrible psychiatric labels.  It can truly open doors for us; enable us to find our true selves, appreciate all of our strengths, build self confidence and help us pick apart why we've been finding some stuff tougher than it is for others and start to find solutions that work better for us, locate and talk to our tribe and feel better.

    What's really heartening is that it sounds like she wanted to go through the assessment herself.  That shows some really deep self understanding. Well, good for her but it's also a testament to all the acceptance you've given her for her to have the confidence to do that.  

    Yes, she will learn and find her way - just an Autistic way.  Now you all know you can be open with each other and learn together.

    You know I was born in 1965.  There was no way I could have been identified back then.  My mother too thought a lot of my struggles especially with the sensory stuff and the relentless bullying at school, were just about puberty or something I'd grow out.  It was all she could think.  She was offered no other explanation.  When in her 80s I got my diagnosis and showed her, she cried.  "I always knew there was something" she said "but the school wouldn't listen to me".

    Ahh bless her.  She did what she could with what she was given.  It's all any mother can do.  Please don't beat yourself up over what you could not have understood or controlled.  We don't know what we don't know and I very much doubt you are a "rubbish mother".

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