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Need advice on violence and talk of suicide

FrustratedMummi

My son is 7 years old. He's recieved a diagnosis of high dependency autism. He will be starting a resource based school in September because his mainstream school couldn't cope.

What worries me is the fact he self harms, alot. He talks about killing himself alot. He lashes out and is violent alot. It's heartbreaking. As a mother watching my child punch himself in the face or scratch himself deep enough to leave marks down his face or bite himself so hard he leaves bruising is gut wrenchling heartbreaking. But at the same time I do not have a clue what to do. I don't yell at him for it or tell him off because he's never responded well to discipline. In fact it's a trigger to him. If I tell him off because he's having a meltdown all it does is further fuel the meltdown and causes more harm to him in the long run. I try to be kind and positive and loving in all my interactions with him but then I catch crap from my parents for "being too soft".

Recently at my nephews 1st birthday party I tried more than anything to get my son to join in, he hit himself and when I tried talking to him he punched me so hard and with such force I had a bruise on my eyebrow the very next day, but what destroyed me the most was the hate and anger in his face. He's hit me before but it's always been accidental as a consequence of him just flapping... But this was deliberate and with all his strength. The very next day however he woke up and was extremely distressed by the fact he'd hurt me and kept apologising.

2 days later my daughter told me my son was "trying to kill himself in the bathroom" I ran to the bathroom to find him trying to stab himself in the neck with a blunt cut off of the shower shield. He told me he wanted to die because his sister was cheating at a game they were playing. This is something I hear alot - minor things set him off into wanting to die.

It worries me because he doesn't understand how final that is, but I live in a constant state of hypervigalance at home, I cannot go out because he get so anxious whenever he's away from home he has a meltdown. I feel trapped and exhausted and more so than anything else worried about my son's self harming, self hating behaviour.

I know he is a good boy and a very sweet, intelligent person with a lot of potential to do something great in life with the right guidance but how do I get us there without it being the death of one of us?

This is amplified by the fact my daughter has aspergers so my efforts on him seem to result in her being neglected. On top of that I also has aspergers and have battled clinical depression most my life. I feel trapped and then I feel selfish for feeling that way. I just want to help both my babies and not kill myself doing it.

Parents

  • The fact he can hurt himself suggests his pain threshold may be lower than normal, and he may even be having difficulty relating to when he injures himself. Hyposensitivity in autism is manifest where the child has a high pain threshold, can take more pain, and may self harm. The child may benefit from weighted jackets, blankets etc which are calming. There may be difficulty hearing, and may be unaffected in crowded noisy places

    I've taken this from the NAS website at www.autism.org.uk/.../the-sensory-world-of-autism.aspx but you can find this going through the above stages in the menu. The detail on hyposensitivity is page 3.

    It is important to establish which type of sensitivity he has - hypersensitivity (the opposite) involves being touch sensitive, not liking clothing, reacts adversely to brushing, having difficulty filtering background sound, and being sensitive to sound. But this is very oversimplified, and some people manifest both attributes for different situations.

    Low self esteem is a critical issue. If you cannot communicate effectively, and get rejected by others for not being able to interact properly, and made to feel different, a child may feel very negative and seek oblivion. You need to give your son positive messages and help him find positive aspects.

    Socialisation is difficult. Many parents try to get their child to socialise thinking this will somehow resolve with practice, which it might, were it not that the negative aspects, and streess caused, may far outweigh any benefits.

    Feeling suicidal is hardly surprising if you experience daily rejection, communication barriers, and often insults (verbal, physical etc) from surrounding environment.

    Try to find a parents' group, as recombinantsocks suggests. The little red maps on the home and community pages of the NAS website will help you find the nearest to you, but if this is at some distance, contact them all the same. They may be able to tell you if there is something available locally that's small or not well advertised, and a distant parents group can still offer advice, training session and formal events that you could attend to meet other parents.

Reply

  • The fact he can hurt himself suggests his pain threshold may be lower than normal, and he may even be having difficulty relating to when he injures himself. Hyposensitivity in autism is manifest where the child has a high pain threshold, can take more pain, and may self harm. The child may benefit from weighted jackets, blankets etc which are calming. There may be difficulty hearing, and may be unaffected in crowded noisy places

    I've taken this from the NAS website at www.autism.org.uk/.../the-sensory-world-of-autism.aspx but you can find this going through the above stages in the menu. The detail on hyposensitivity is page 3.

    It is important to establish which type of sensitivity he has - hypersensitivity (the opposite) involves being touch sensitive, not liking clothing, reacts adversely to brushing, having difficulty filtering background sound, and being sensitive to sound. But this is very oversimplified, and some people manifest both attributes for different situations.

    Low self esteem is a critical issue. If you cannot communicate effectively, and get rejected by others for not being able to interact properly, and made to feel different, a child may feel very negative and seek oblivion. You need to give your son positive messages and help him find positive aspects.

    Socialisation is difficult. Many parents try to get their child to socialise thinking this will somehow resolve with practice, which it might, were it not that the negative aspects, and streess caused, may far outweigh any benefits.

    Feeling suicidal is hardly surprising if you experience daily rejection, communication barriers, and often insults (verbal, physical etc) from surrounding environment.

    Try to find a parents' group, as recombinantsocks suggests. The little red maps on the home and community pages of the NAS website will help you find the nearest to you, but if this is at some distance, contact them all the same. They may be able to tell you if there is something available locally that's small or not well advertised, and a distant parents group can still offer advice, training session and formal events that you could attend to meet other parents.

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