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Helping my Daughter move out of the family home

mellissahooper

This is my first time posting and I desperately need help in how to support my daughter who is leaving the family home.
We found a flat available that is literally 2 minutes from home. It has a spare room so we are able to sleep over if she needs us to.

We never said she needed to move out. I just happened to mention that it was availalble and when she saw the location she got quited excited about it and asked me to set up a viewing. We did that the next day and she really liked it and said she'd like to go for it.  She beat 4 other people who viewed it and the landlord picked her.  We had several days of excitiment about it and then several days of pure anxiety.  This is quite usual for her when decisions have to be made or we're going or doing something she's not sure about.
Now she's feeling quite vacant and unsure what she wants to do.

As a family we feel this will be a very positive move for her for her future development and I'm sure she will settle eventually and forge out a new normal for herself but I am under no illusion that it will be easy.

I know that whether she moves now or in 10 years time, she will experience the same level anxiety about it and of course we are not going to force her to move. It has to be her decision but we need to know the best way to encourage, support or advise on the situation.

Really hoping some of your lovely people will be able to offer some constructive and useful advice.

Many thanks in advance xxx

Parents

  • Hi 

    I speak from personal experience as an autistic person who themselves struggled moving to independent at this stage of life and who has a daughter likewise.

     As a parent knowing and loving one's child, balancing the desire to do things for them with developing and celebrating their independence is constant.

    You describe the pattern of excitement/anxiety and possibly being overwhelmed well.

    There are personal and social expectations which can be challenging.

    Perhaps making focus on the planning for the move, keeping the emotional awareness high for all parties.  Emphasis on support is naturally important and it come from a variety of sources and directions. 

    Both for myself and my daughter there is an observable temptation to personalise problems - e.g. that the problem is something wrong with oneself.  This I suspect is linked to experiences of being autistic in a neurotypical world.

    I think that one of the greatest skills to pass on is learning how to problem solve:

    I have pinched this from 

    Independence and ASD Level 1-2 – Attwood & Garnett Events

    "

    • define the problem
    • brainstorm all possible solutions, including seemingly ridiculous or impossible ones
    • make a list of the pros and cons for each solution
    • choose a solution based on your analysis
    • do it.

    Be prepared to try and fail, try again and fail, all the time learning more about who you are, what you need and what you want. Be kind to yourself when you fall."

    My very best wishes

Reply

  • Hi 

    I speak from personal experience as an autistic person who themselves struggled moving to independent at this stage of life and who has a daughter likewise.

     As a parent knowing and loving one's child, balancing the desire to do things for them with developing and celebrating their independence is constant.

    You describe the pattern of excitement/anxiety and possibly being overwhelmed well.

    There are personal and social expectations which can be challenging.

    Perhaps making focus on the planning for the move, keeping the emotional awareness high for all parties.  Emphasis on support is naturally important and it come from a variety of sources and directions. 

    Both for myself and my daughter there is an observable temptation to personalise problems - e.g. that the problem is something wrong with oneself.  This I suspect is linked to experiences of being autistic in a neurotypical world.

    I think that one of the greatest skills to pass on is learning how to problem solve:

    I have pinched this from 

    Independence and ASD Level 1-2 – Attwood & Garnett Events

    "

    • define the problem
    • brainstorm all possible solutions, including seemingly ridiculous or impossible ones
    • make a list of the pros and cons for each solution
    • choose a solution based on your analysis
    • do it.

    Be prepared to try and fail, try again and fail, all the time learning more about who you are, what you need and what you want. Be kind to yourself when you fall."

    My very best wishes

Children
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