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Helping my Daughter move out of the family home

mellissahooper

This is my first time posting and I desperately need help in how to support my daughter who is leaving the family home.
We found a flat available that is literally 2 minutes from home. It has a spare room so we are able to sleep over if she needs us to.

We never said she needed to move out. I just happened to mention that it was availalble and when she saw the location she got quited excited about it and asked me to set up a viewing. We did that the next day and she really liked it and said she'd like to go for it.  She beat 4 other people who viewed it and the landlord picked her.  We had several days of excitiment about it and then several days of pure anxiety.  This is quite usual for her when decisions have to be made or we're going or doing something she's not sure about.
Now she's feeling quite vacant and unsure what she wants to do.

As a family we feel this will be a very positive move for her for her future development and I'm sure she will settle eventually and forge out a new normal for herself but I am under no illusion that it will be easy.

I know that whether she moves now or in 10 years time, she will experience the same level anxiety about it and of course we are not going to force her to move. It has to be her decision but we need to know the best way to encourage, support or advise on the situation.

Really hoping some of your lovely people will be able to offer some constructive and useful advice.

Many thanks in advance xxx

  • Hi 

    I speak from personal experience as an autistic person who themselves struggled moving to independent at this stage of life and who has a daughter likewise.

     As a parent knowing and loving one's child, balancing the desire to do things for them with developing and celebrating their independence is constant.

    You describe the pattern of excitement/anxiety and possibly being overwhelmed well.

    There are personal and social expectations which can be challenging.

    Perhaps making focus on the planning for the move, keeping the emotional awareness high for all parties.  Emphasis on support is naturally important and it come from a variety of sources and directions. 

    Both for myself and my daughter there is an observable temptation to personalise problems - e.g. that the problem is something wrong with oneself.  This I suspect is linked to experiences of being autistic in a neurotypical world.

    I think that one of the greatest skills to pass on is learning how to problem solve:

    I have pinched this from 

    Independence and ASD Level 1-2 – Attwood & Garnett Events

    "

    • define the problem
    • brainstorm all possible solutions, including seemingly ridiculous or impossible ones
    • make a list of the pros and cons for each solution
    • choose a solution based on your analysis
    • do it.

    Be prepared to try and fail, try again and fail, all the time learning more about who you are, what you need and what you want. Be kind to yourself when you fall."

    My very best wishes

  • These NAS thought prompts may be helpful (even if the move were to already have taken place):

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/transitions/making-decisions/parents

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/transitions/making-decisions/young-people

    I would add; both you and your daughter might also want to explore:

    - are there maybe some surprising things which she might have started to worry about missing of her current home life, how might those worries be addressed?  (It can even be a collection of minor practical item, or logistical concerns - which can then start to feel "all a bit much" when taken into consideration together),

    - could you explore together; some of the new things which are made more possible for her explore, benefit from and enjoy once she would be living in her new independent home?

    - are there some new sociable habits you could look forward to developing to enjoy together post-move?  Things respecting new boundaries and celebrating the new more adult phase of your relationship.  Even many decades later, there still some outings / joint visits I can share (on my terms) with a parent (habits which maybe we may not have made as much effort to foster and curate when I still lived in the parental home).

    - it is OK, for anyone, to sometimes feel (and share) a pause, review and re-plan is needed if something seems uncomfortable (for you / your daughter) and a bit of creative problem-solving endeavour is necessary (with or without external help).  There is no embarrassment necessary, on either side, (as this is proper grown-up stuff ...for everyone involved to carefully navigate).  This remains true both before and after such a move.  It is always OK to say about (whatever surprise, puzzle, annoyance, disappointment, or frustration may have arisen) and to work towards finding a solution you may not have previously known was possible.  It is also OK to say "I want to try to solve this by myself, if possible" (..."but I still value my trusted safety net to please know and understand that I am working on this issue at the moment").

    Top tip: ideally not to overlook - perhaps a little box / tray on a kitchen shelf - of things to help your daughter feel happy and confident to be a new host in her new home.  If you ask around friends, family, neighbours and check charity / thrift shops - you can quite quickly pull together a simple, and inexpensive pre-loved "Host Kit".  It can mean all the more to a new householder that; different people who know you, and maybe a couple you didn't realise wished you well from your old neighbourhood - are this way demonstrating their collective support for your new home endeavour.  Maybe, a well-loved teapot now too large for the original owner's needs here from A, potentially an inherited tablecloth from B there, a little vase to mark a celebration coffee table from C, the bargain lovingly thoughtful discovery of a pretty plate from a charity shop sourced by D which is flat and large enough upon which to serve a simple supermarket cake, biscuits, or fruit, and then E showed you that can never have too many stylish paper napkins to help tie the setting together as an event to share with your guests.

  • Sorry I missed this.

    She should go with her first reaction. She was excited about the idea. This shows, I think, that she likes the idea of being independent, with her own space and following a similar path to other people. The fact she viewed it shows it is the right way to go. She had slept on the idea and still went.

    The challenge of course is the idea of change and the implications to the change of routine. But these are transient. It is scary and there are a lot of unknowns.

    There is also the realisation that despite wanting to be free, it also comes with being alone.

    I think the thing is to break it into manageable pieces. If you have food and clothes for the first week or two then it reduces the immediate pressure. With help the bills can be setup so it is not a problem. Then the first 2 weeks are just about getting used to staying in a new space.

    Don't try and approach it as one enormous thing.

    I expect this has already happened now. So I hope it is going well. 

  • Hi Melissa, How are things going now? I see that it is 12 days ago that you posted.

    How is your daughter doing?