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My Aspie girlfriend

SwimmingAdrian

Hello, sorry this will be long but I've been looking everywhere for help and hope I can get it here. I'm not sure if I posted this in the right board, if not then my apologies.

I moved to the UK from another country to eventually study at a British university.

During that time I met my girlfriend, and I've been living with her and her family for almost 4 years now, while studying in college and working to eventually be able to go university. I knew about her having Asperger Syndrome, and accepted it. Her parents let me live with them as long as I helped out out and paid the rent. 

Living with her is usually quite easy, because we both have the same interests: Mostly art and games. We both hope to become professional artists one day. I generally did my own thing and let her be, though we also spend a lot of time together. Her parents left us in peace, happy that their daughter had someone to spend time with. She's an amazing artist, which is one of the main reasons that I'm attracted to her. She teached me how to draw and paint, which means the world to me.

In the beginning of our relationship her Aspergers syndrome wasn't a big problem. For example when we had visitors she would always go out of her room to meet them and spend a bit of time with the guests.

A year into the relationship my dad and brother came over to visit me in the UK. She was shy around them, but didn't mind meeting them and spending some time with my family. We even went out and had a good time. She usually felt a bit uncomfrotable with people taking photos of her  but after spending some time with them she let my dad take photos of us without any problems. 

Every year I would go back to my country for a bit to spend time with my family. I'd go alone, because she felt she'd be too uncomfortable being so far away. I understood it's too difficult for her and didn't mind going on my own, though my (extended) family would often question me about it. 

Unfortunatly she's been slowly regressing over the years. She now rarely wants to go out, and while shopping she became too scared to pay for her things (I have to do that now). When guests visit, she hides in her room (Even when her family visit), refusing to go downstairs. This year my mum and dad came over to visit us in the UK, but this visit didn't go as well as last time. She struggled with merely greeting them, and didn't want to spend time with them at all. When I did get her to finally go out with my family, she often complained and wouldn't let my parents take photos of us, making a big fuss about it. She also didn't really want to talk to my parents, even when they were being nice to her. My mum was understanding but I could see she felt hurt. 

I'm also getting tired of my extended family in my country constantly asking why she never comes with me when I visit. She's definetly not ready for that, especially after I saw what happened when my parents visited. 

I think one of the main reasons of her regression is because recently (few months before my mum and dad came over) her parents got divorced, with her mum leaving the house. Her mum always helped her coping with social situations and gave her overall support, but now she left my girlfriend really struggles with meeting people. 

After a long talk with my mum I came to the conclusion that this year I really need to decide whether I want to stay with her or not. She was a lot better a few years ago, and I hope she'll be able to go back to how she used to be: A lot more confident. I don't expect her to become a super social person, but at least be able to meet people without a big fuss, and be polite. And maybe one day be able to go with me and visit my family in my country (Something I felt she was almost ready to do before she started regressing).  

I'm really not sure whether I should stick around and wait 'till she hopefully becomes better. But she's without a doubt my best friend. Before our relationship we got along splendidly, and I really wouldn't want her completely out of my life. I could accept going back to just being friends. The only problem I can see with staying friends is that if we eventually find a new significant other, they might dislike the idea of staying friends with an ex.

I'll be able to move out of her family's house in a few months, if it would become necessary. However I do really love her, and thinking of a life without her makes me really sad. I'm going to university soon, and feel that with this new beginning I should make a decision. But I need help!

Should I still be in a relationship with my girlfriend? Or would it be a better idea to end it, because a future with her might be difficult? (Although I do really love her!). What are the chances of her getting better? Is there anything I can do to help her?

Parents

  • By sounds of it your girlfriends withdrawal is centred around her mother. Undoubtedly, having been so reliant on her for social guidance, she would have noticed 'signs' of her mother pulling away, or showing less interest, or just general unusual behaviour in the build up to her finally leaving.

    Losing a parent because they wish to 'live their own lives' is painful, because there never really is closure, especially if its a parent you're close to and relied on heavily. Aspies in general, particularily women, tend to hide their emotions or keep quiet on the matter until the stress or emotion shows in other ways. In my family its likened to a volcano, seems dormant until one day everything builds up to the point where even something small and seemingly harmless can set me off. Your girlfriends denial of her diagnosis and relcusive behaviour indicates that she may be 'bottling up' her feelings and struggling to find a suitable outlet for them. For a long time I regarded emotions as a bad thing, that feeling sad in any way was weak and would get me in trouble, or create unwanted attention.

    Now though I've come to terms with my diagnosis and the fact that like it or not my feelings are a big part of who I am, and that it's alright to express them. By expressing my emotions either through drawing or watching movies to deliberately make myself sad, I've found that these 'outlets' mean I'm more relaxed and less inclined to losing it when forced into social situations. However, you may have trouble with this as again this realisation has taken years as well as councilling and therapy to come to, so your girlfriend may not take kindly to the idea. I stress that while this is a generalisation based on talking to others and personal experience, everyone is different, so talking to your girlfriend to find out whether this is the case is vital.

    It is important though that, as others have said, that your girlfriend realises there are more of us like her out there. Female Aspies are rare in comparison and often present different symptoms to male aspies due to subtle gender differences on a genetic level. If she had her diagnosis in the last couple of years, then for her to remain in denial is somewhat normal. Its daunting, the realisation that no matter what you're never going to 'grow out of it', that you're not going to one day be able to do what everyone else does and will have to struggle day in day out for the rest of your life. But the first step in overcoming these issues is to learn to embrace a diagnosis as a good thing, to know its ok to do what you feel is best because you're human and not because you feel you have to hide from humanity (no matter how terrifying or disturbing they seem).

    Its good to hear she's neutral about your parents though. In situations like that its always best if everyone compromises. If shes reluctant to meet with them, she must attend, but only if your parents won't take photos or get too close to her if she feels she needs space. By compromising, both parties show they're willing to invest in the other, making people more at ease.

    With any luck, a little understanding from everyone will go a long way.

Reply

  • By sounds of it your girlfriends withdrawal is centred around her mother. Undoubtedly, having been so reliant on her for social guidance, she would have noticed 'signs' of her mother pulling away, or showing less interest, or just general unusual behaviour in the build up to her finally leaving.

    Losing a parent because they wish to 'live their own lives' is painful, because there never really is closure, especially if its a parent you're close to and relied on heavily. Aspies in general, particularily women, tend to hide their emotions or keep quiet on the matter until the stress or emotion shows in other ways. In my family its likened to a volcano, seems dormant until one day everything builds up to the point where even something small and seemingly harmless can set me off. Your girlfriends denial of her diagnosis and relcusive behaviour indicates that she may be 'bottling up' her feelings and struggling to find a suitable outlet for them. For a long time I regarded emotions as a bad thing, that feeling sad in any way was weak and would get me in trouble, or create unwanted attention.

    Now though I've come to terms with my diagnosis and the fact that like it or not my feelings are a big part of who I am, and that it's alright to express them. By expressing my emotions either through drawing or watching movies to deliberately make myself sad, I've found that these 'outlets' mean I'm more relaxed and less inclined to losing it when forced into social situations. However, you may have trouble with this as again this realisation has taken years as well as councilling and therapy to come to, so your girlfriend may not take kindly to the idea. I stress that while this is a generalisation based on talking to others and personal experience, everyone is different, so talking to your girlfriend to find out whether this is the case is vital.

    It is important though that, as others have said, that your girlfriend realises there are more of us like her out there. Female Aspies are rare in comparison and often present different symptoms to male aspies due to subtle gender differences on a genetic level. If she had her diagnosis in the last couple of years, then for her to remain in denial is somewhat normal. Its daunting, the realisation that no matter what you're never going to 'grow out of it', that you're not going to one day be able to do what everyone else does and will have to struggle day in day out for the rest of your life. But the first step in overcoming these issues is to learn to embrace a diagnosis as a good thing, to know its ok to do what you feel is best because you're human and not because you feel you have to hide from humanity (no matter how terrifying or disturbing they seem).

    Its good to hear she's neutral about your parents though. In situations like that its always best if everyone compromises. If shes reluctant to meet with them, she must attend, but only if your parents won't take photos or get too close to her if she feels she needs space. By compromising, both parties show they're willing to invest in the other, making people more at ease.

    With any luck, a little understanding from everyone will go a long way.

Children
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