My Aspie girlfriend

Speaking to someone who's english is shaky is a nightmare for Aspies, as one of the key problems is our inability to 'read' body language. Most people take it for granted that when someone acts or moves a certain way, they know how they're feeliing. Aspies, we don't have that. 80% of my personal issues with socialising comes from being unable to tell from someones behaviour or tone how they feel or if they were joking, which leads to me being frustrated or sometimes offended. Take away the element I can follow relatively well (the words) and I'm stuck with body language which I can barely decipher 99% of the time. This is the part of the 'social disability' that royally sucks and makes it hard to keep up with more than a few people at a time. Part of my bonding with other Aspies both online and at Uni is discussing NT (Neurotypical aka 'normal') behaviours and how weird it seems to us. Coincidently, as much as it confuses us, its also a source of fascination, how humans behave and interact, and its what draws us towards researching and drawing more horror based artwork that people find repulsive because its yet another thing we merely see as 'normal' (i.e. we observe it in the world on a regular basis) that the rest of humanity seems desperate to ignore.

Being at Uni, there were quite a few interesting people I've met that I have to interact with who's english wasn't all that good, and I really struggled to be around them because short of them actually miming everything, I couldn't get what they were trying to say. However, I do interact with them ok online as I've got access to things like Google translate, even if it adds a bit of time onto the gap between replies, we were able to actually start communicating without 'running in circles'. It also relieved the stress of trying to pay attention to multiple things at once (their gestures, body movements, eyes, facial expressions) to gauge what they're on about, as well as the stress at myself for not understanding.

Foundation degrees are available at both Uni's and colleges across the UK. From what I've been told, Student Finance are meant to treat Foundation as a year of higher education, so should be able to offer your girlfriend a student loan if she has to relocate to access the course for a few terms. Some Foundations have a segment on Art History, others, are dominated by it. But there are Foundation courses where you can literally experiment with different types of art, and while there probably is a unit where you have to learn about art history, I'm told that on these kinds of courses its usually pretty relevant to what you're doing, rather than an old teacher blabbering about a boring oil painting as if that's the only thing that can ever be considered art.

At the moment Student Finance have been messing up my application for my next year at uni since the beginning of April, and they messed up my application last year too. I'm dreading the thought of looking to get funding for a Masters course (if it comes to it). Its gotten so bad I can no longer stand talking to anyone on the phone at the company, won't send in any 'evidence' as it goes missing, and generally have set my mum on them to sort out the mess.

I think your girlfriend will be ok as long as you're talking to each other often, and on some kind of predictable schedule, its all too easy for Aspies to slowly lose communication with someone if they're not there to chase us and remind us to contact them (extended family often have to remind me to call if I haven't spoken to them in months, its nothing malevolent, purely the fact I get caught up in day to day routine to the point where I forget). Again the change problem is a daily struggle, but with forewarning and the chance to have a good rant about the lack of a forewarning (or just a rant in general about not liking whatever's changed) usually helps.

That's true, I'm often to the point with her because it seems to work very well. I do still have to try and force her to tell me her problems sometimes, but she seems to be a lot easier about it. Maybe she realized venting really helps. Or maybe she trusts me more? 

That makes a lot of sense about drawing dark things! Though they also tend to be a lot more interesting, because they seem to show a side humans normally hide. For example I prefer Horror comics compared to normal ones because they tend to me more unique and make you think. I guess you can be really creative with dark and disturbing art. I like to create weird and creepy stuff as well, because you can have a lot of fun with it. Gaming really brings us together, she really likes watching me play.

Maybe online contact with my family would be easier for her. She actually talked for a long time with my brother on Skype once in the beginning of our relationship, though he didn't knew English that well at the time so mostly said "yeah" a lot. He did try and talk though, my girlfriend found it funny. My parents understand English quite a bit, but have trouble speaking or typing it. They will try learning it, because they finally realised English rules the world. 

A Foundation Degree could be an option, unfortunately the only college nearby that does them isn't great for one big reason: They seem to value research and writing far more than actual artistic skills like drawing. I know cause I went to that college, I had no choice because I needed some qualifications to be able to stay in the UK. I struggled with the research and writing cause I found it such a pointless waste of time  compared to learning how to draw properly, but forced myself to do it. But I know my girlfriend simply wouldn't do the parts she finds useless, and they'd harshly lower her grades for that (Even if she makes awesome artwork). I have heard you can also do them at University, so that could be a better option.

Oh don't get me started with Student Finance England. They're the reason I'm back in my country now, desperately trying to sort something out here. I was promised I'll get everything I need last year (When I applied for it), then when it's getting closer to the start of my course they suddenly denied me most of my student finance. Because my residency evidence suddenly wasn't good enough. Now I have to look for financial help in my country. So yeah I've ranted enough about Student Finance to her, so she's more than welcome to do it to me whenever necessary.

I have no idea how long I’ll be in my country for, I hope my girlfriend will be OK in the UK. I'm always there if she needs me online, and she seemed al right the few times we chatted to each other. She felt sad I had to leave, though she understands it's because I have to sort something out to be able to go to university. I wonder whether I should try talking about Asperger Syndrome online and whether meeting other people with it could help her, or wait until I can come back to the UK and talk to her face to face. 

And yeah, change and especially meeting people are the biggest problems. During normal life we live very happily together, it's just when something pops up that it becomes a bit more challenging. But I think we'll be al right. 

Its good that you can tell when somethings bothering her. A chronic problem with being an Aspie in general is insecurity around telling people your problems, even if they do often say 'you can tell me anything'. Usually we need someone to tell us flat out 'there's something bothering you, tell me' or we'll convince ourselves to just keep quiet. I know this also applies to male aspies as the ones I've encountered and lived with at university admitted to the same problem.

Drawing dark and strange things is also a theme I've noticed among all the other Aspies I've met, including myself. I think its because it begins at an early age as a coping mechanism which then evolves into something we do to feel happier as we get older. Gaming is another trait as its a controlled environment where you can socialise 'safely'.

Most of my in depth socialisation with extended family is over Skype, as they're not physcially present so I don't feel as anxious. Also if it gets too stressful I can always log off and leave the situation, not that I do, but the option of a safe and swift exit is always reassuring. So perhaps you could try encouraging your parents and your girlfriend to talk in this method? Whether its using the webcam or them typing to each other. If she feels she can engage with them in conversation this way it could make her more at ease when it comes to interacting with them in person.

Pursuing something she loves is a great idea, if she doesn't have the actual qualifications to get into Uni just yet and is worried none will accept her she can always apply for a Foundation in Art. Its a qualification available at colleges around the UK that usually guarantees a place on an art course at University, and gives you a taste of all the different art techniques and constraints you'd have to work with at Uni. My only warning is to be wary of Student Finance, as they've given me and countless others nothing but grief the entire time at University, so if she needs it, be prepared to encourage her to rant about their incompetant customer service.

Your girlfriend is lucky to have someone as understanding as you for support, even if she doesn't say it out loud all the effort you're going to is more than likely appreciated, even if she does seem annoyed/upset/a little hostile when you bring it up. Change is a big problem for Aspies, so when someone suggests we change something about our routine or behaviour, its common for us to kick up a bit of a fuss then quietly and sulkily conceed to their point over a week or two (this was a fact the other Aspies and myself have a bit of a joke about at Uni). Hope things are going well.

Thank you all, I have to say putting down my thoughts and hearing your feedback really made me feel a lot better, and I'm able to think more clearly about her, and any possible solutions.

My girlfriend often draws scary things, though I'm not sure whether it's to let out her emotions or because that's her style. It might be a bit of both. She also plays games a lot to help her relax. I'm not sure when she was diagnosed, I think it was about a year before we started dating? So it's been about 5 years since she's been diagnosed.

She does bottle things up a lot. I can often sense something's wrong even when she tries hiding it, and have to literally pull it out of her. However when she finally talks with me about anything that bothers her, she usually feels better. I do always stress that she can talk about anything with me. I hope she'll be willing to discuss her Asperger Syndrome more clearly, and eventually accept that it's part of who she is. She generally used to talk about more personal issues with her mum, which she can't anymore. I hope she'll eventually trust her dad (or me).

I'm happy she's at least neutral with my parents, even if the day out wasn't great. I explained to my parents that their visit wasn't timed well (A few months after her mum left our house), so we decided to mostly leave her in peace for the rest of their visit. 

I hope she'll be open to meet more Aspies, especially female ones. She was close to going to a college specially cathered to people with Asperger's Syndrome, but unfortunately got denied at the last moment. However me and her dad will try to get her somewhere. But it would also be a great idea if she could meet other Aspies online. I will definetely suggest this when she's ready to discuss her condition.

Another option would be to eventually try to get her into university. Although she lacks any qualifications, her skills should be enough to get her on a proper art course. 

Thank you all, once again. I really appreciate it.

It grieviously vexes me that yet another of our people has been so conditioned to view ASVs as an inferiority that she has to deny her condition to maintin a positive self-image.

If she could be persuaded to visit this forum or wrongplanet or any other reputable Autism community then she could discuss coping strategies for her condition and recieve reinforcement for her self-esteem; both of which seem like they would be of value to her. 

By sounds of it your girlfriends withdrawal is centred around her mother. Undoubtedly, having been so reliant on her for social guidance, she would have noticed 'signs' of her mother pulling away, or showing less interest, or just general unusual behaviour in the build up to her finally leaving.

Losing a parent because they wish to 'live their own lives' is painful, because there never really is closure, especially if its a parent you're close to and relied on heavily. Aspies in general, particularily women, tend to hide their emotions or keep quiet on the matter until the stress or emotion shows in other ways. In my family its likened to a volcano, seems dormant until one day everything builds up to the point where even something small and seemingly harmless can set me off. Your girlfriends denial of her diagnosis and relcusive behaviour indicates that she may be 'bottling up' her feelings and struggling to find a suitable outlet for them. For a long time I regarded emotions as a bad thing, that feeling sad in any way was weak and would get me in trouble, or create unwanted attention.

Now though I've come to terms with my diagnosis and the fact that like it or not my feelings are a big part of who I am, and that it's alright to express them. By expressing my emotions either through drawing or watching movies to deliberately make myself sad, I've found that these 'outlets' mean I'm more relaxed and less inclined to losing it when forced into social situations. However, you may have trouble with this as again this realisation has taken years as well as councilling and therapy to come to, so your girlfriend may not take kindly to the idea. I stress that while this is a generalisation based on talking to others and personal experience, everyone is different, so talking to your girlfriend to find out whether this is the case is vital.

It is important though that, as others have said, that your girlfriend realises there are more of us like her out there. Female Aspies are rare in comparison and often present different symptoms to male aspies due to subtle gender differences on a genetic level. If she had her diagnosis in the last couple of years, then for her to remain in denial is somewhat normal. Its daunting, the realisation that no matter what you're never going to 'grow out of it', that you're not going to one day be able to do what everyone else does and will have to struggle day in day out for the rest of your life. But the first step in overcoming these issues is to learn to embrace a diagnosis as a good thing, to know its ok to do what you feel is best because you're human and not because you feel you have to hide from humanity (no matter how terrifying or disturbing they seem).

Its good to hear she's neutral about your parents though. In situations like that its always best if everyone compromises. If shes reluctant to meet with them, she must attend, but only if your parents won't take photos or get too close to her if she feels she needs space. By compromising, both parties show they're willing to invest in the other, making people more at ease.

With any luck, a little understanding from everyone will go a long way.

My girlfriend joining this place could definitely help her, though I'm not sure how willing she'd be. Like I said she's very reluctant to admit she has Asperger Syndrome, often denying she even has it. But I can see how meeting other people with Asperger Syndrome could help her. I will try to discuss this, and explain how it could help her.

And KaloJaro, thank you for your honest reply. You're very right: I'm sure her mum's divorce is one of the main reasons why she's been regressing (Though she slowly did before, but she hit a low point when her mum left). She used to text her mum and phoned her once. Her mum has pretty much left so she could live her own life (Which she hid from all of us at first, but eventually admitted it), with little room for my girlfriend. I'm not sure how much she's willing to communicate with her mum now. 

I have discussed my parents with her. She mostly felt neutral about them, and she said she didn't really know what to talk about with them. However she really liked my mum's gift, so hopefully she thinks slightly more positively about her. 

I will look up more experiences from other relationships involving Asperger Syndrome, and hopefully they'll help me understand everything better.

One thing that doesn't seem to have been covered by the others so far is the fact that your girlfriends parents are recently divorced.

To me, as a female Aspie who's parents are also divorced, this explains her behaviour completely, and on an emotional level I feel it's justified.

Losing a parent in a household hurts. And its not the kind of hurt that you can get over, its the kind of pain that takes years to overcome (I'm still struggling with the pain of my parents divorce and its been a decade since it happened).

If she relied on her mother for support in social interaction then its also no wonder she's regressed now that her mother has left. Do you know if she and her mother are keeping in contact? If so how often? What's the situation with her mother? Is the mother off 'living her own life'?

If her mother is indeed 'living her own life' then theres every chance that your girlfriend is feeling abandoned to an extent, and all interactions that are beyond her comfort zone can easily be taken as a hostile reminder that she's struggling on her own without her mothers support.

This kind of thing has no easy fix. What you're seeing is your girlfriend being, to an extent, forced into independance in regards to socialising.

Socialising in itself is exhausting. And painful. Particularily when there's pressure to 'get along'. It may not seem much to NTs, but it can have a real emotional impact. Have you discussed at length how your girlfriend feels about your parents? Honestly? Are you prepared for such honesty?

Unless she can be open with you about her feelings then there's a good chance your relationship will sadly dissolve. Have you read many personal stories about living with Aspergers Syndrome? It may help if you could see the mindset of those with the same condition, because what comes naturally to you can in fact cause anxiety in your girlfriend.

Sorry if this post comes across as a bit harsh, I really do hope you two can come to a solution where you're both happy, whether its in a relationship or as friends. Best of luck.

Can i support Outraged's suggestion for your gf to come on the forum? She doesn't have to wait to do this. It seems to me that she could really benefit from chatting with people like Outraged who have been through the whole hermit thing and come out the other side. Talking to people with her exact problems could be more valuable than talking to yet another Psych who, I expect, she might regard with suspicion.

Thank you for your advice. I guess it doesn't help that my family lives far away.

Sure, it means less visits, so she won't be bothered often. But it also means it'll be hard for her to get used to them. My mum mentioned she might visit on her own at some point, so that might be easier for my girlfriend. I can arrange for them to meet, in any way my girlfriend wishes. I do want to point out that people only took pictures of her with her permission, she refused during my family's second visit so they didn't take any.

Since my family rarely visits, that won't matter too much at the moment. To me personally it's only really important she's polite and friendly to my parents and brother, the other family doesn't really matter right now. Yeah their question "Where's your girlfriend?" gets annoying though I guess it's just a question and shouldn't bother me. I can always just say she's too busy etc. She does work on her art all the time because she's trying to break trough and become popular online. 

I just hope she'll be able to re gain the confidence she once had (and possibly a bit more), so she'll be able to meet people without struggling too much. I would understand if she preferred to live a solitairy life, however she used to be a lot more social and confident, and she seemed to be happier back then. She still went to college, and had many friends there. It's over the years she's slowly became more of a hermit, with the low point when her mum left our house. I'd feel so guilty if it was somehow my fault, that I made her regress, which is why I really want to help her. Though her not going college anymore doesn't help either. 

I will probably make my decision about our relationship somewhere next year after a good talk with her. I'm thinking about moving out to my own place around December/January time if i'll be able to, regardless whether we'll still be in a relationship or not. This way I won't have to rely on her family anymore, and become more independent. She seemed ok with this a few months back when I first had this idea, but I couldn't move out at the time. It wouldn't be very far away, so I'd still be able to visit her. 

If it will all have to end, I will definetly let her know about this place. She made many artist friends online who would probably support her as well, though I will let her know about this place as well. How willing she'd be though, I have no idea, because she's very reluctant about admitting she has Asperger's Syndrome. Often she'll flat out say she doesn't have it when I try to talk about it with her. 

Its possible to put aside hermitage. I was a complete recluse for the best part of a decade and found it the most comfortable period of my life. However, to be of more use to the community, I started going out more and while I still only go out for specific reasons and avoid interaction with groups I am much more socially active than previously.

Therefor, you should either a, accept her need for solitude or b, talk to her and explain that you need her to be more sociable with the people who are important you.

If you go with a, then be clear w your family that she means no offense, that she has difficulties with social interaction etc...

If you go with b, there are things you can do to make it easier for her. Its unfair to expect here to meet your family en masse and the discomfort arising from the first meeting probably informs her reluctance to emerge from her safe space. Can you arrange for her to meet your family as individuals and grow comfortable w them as such before she is expected to interact with them from the position as outsider meeting a closed group.

If she is willing to try this, enquire if she reqires your presence or absence for the first and/or subsequent meetings. If she prefers to meets on her own, do not express offense. She will need to arrange the meeting in a format she is most comfortable with. If she wants you present, you need to be clear that the format is going with your girlfriend to meet someone not meeting your mother with your girlfriend. She will need your support. Further, shed be much more comfortabke w your family if she was reassured that her relationship w you was not dependant on her ability to integrate w your family.

Also, can people stop taking photos of her. Clearly, she doesnt want this but had to give in so as not to cause a scene. I wouldn't have. 

Lastly, and pay attention to this bit, if it comes to the point where your relationship needs to end, be very careful with her. Cleave to ethical best practice. And make sure you send her to this forum so she can be supported through the aftermath. Dont just suggest it, write the adress on paper and leave it behind.

NAS18906 said:

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Should I still be in a relationship with my girlfriend? Or would it be a better idea to end it, because a future with her might be difficult? (Although I do really love her!). What are the chances of her getting better? Is there anything I can do to help her?

we can't possibly advise on whether you should end your relationship. It's an odd question really - you love her, it's your and her lives that you are taling about - what can we possibly say?

she won't get over the ASD but that isn't the question really. Can she recover from the reclusive state she has got into? i suspect that you can't achieve this on your own. It sounds as though she needs some professional assistance to get her to gain more confidence and social skills. what does she say and think about the position that she is in? Is she happy with it or does she realise that things could be better?

My apologies. I know my post's mess, I guess I just wanted to put down all my thoughts about my girlfriend and it didn't turn out too well. Thank you for taking your time to read it though.

We've been together long enough that we really should make a decision: Stay together or let go, either completely or staying friends. I had a word with her about this a few days ago, and she's unsure whether she wants to be together with me forever, and doesn't want to talk much about the future.

She never really wants any professional help, though like you mentioned it might be necessary. I talked about this with her dad before, and he'll try and sort something out. How willing she'll be though, I have no idea. What help is recommended? Maybe she should meet her psychiatrist again?

I guess what I meant to ask is: What are the chances she'll get out of this reclusive state, and become more confident? Would she eventually be able to properly meet my parents and possibly my other family, and be willing to spend time with them? 

It would also be great to hear of other people in a relationship with someone with Asperger Syndrome, I welcome any advice or experiences!

SwimmingAdrian said:

Should I still be in a relationship with my girlfriend? Or would it be a better idea to end it, because a future with her might be difficult? (Although I do really love her!). What are the chances of her getting better? Is there anything I can do to help her?

we can't possibly advise on whether you should end your relationship. It's an odd question really - you love her, it's your and her lives that you are taling about - what can we possibly say?

she won't get over the ASD but that isn't the question really. Can she recover from the reclusive state she has got into? i suspect that you can't achieve this on your own. It sounds as though she needs some professional assistance to get her to gain more confidence and social skills. what does she say and think about the position that she is in? Is she happy with it or does she realise that things could be better?