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Support / ideas for general withdrawal from life

FriedDad

The last year has been really difficult with C, our 17 yo trans daughter. She was diagnosed with autism at about 9 and has always been very bright, engaged and although she had some social problems at school and struggled to keep friends, and we suffered a lot of anger and violence at home, we kind of clung on.

Thankfully the violence has stopped recently but C has spent the last year gradually withdrawing. It started with school withdrawal just before her GCSEs and she'd simply stay in bed. Thankfully we managed to get her through GCSEs and thanks to her work and memory she did well. 

She got a place in college and the first two months were okay. Since she fell out with a friend though she's struggled with friendships and this has precipitated another withdrawal. She can't get to the bus on time and instances are getting worse and more frequent. Over Christmas it turned into simply staying in bed most days. She wouldn't come to her grandparents or out with us on holiday, simply refusing to do her her or start her routine. Some days not eating. 

We have been for family therapy, which started to try and tackle the violence. We're continuing that but doesn't really work as she simply doesn't want to solve her problems, or really have any insight into them. If we talk about the future then she gets stressed, she wants to go to uni but we can't see how it's going to happen at the moment so we're encouraging her to take one day at a time. She refuses to accept she's autistic, and won't engage the GP or college to get help,.not does she want us doing it. 

She spends all her time on her phone and stays up late, to 2 or 3am. We simply can't take away WiFi or Phone as the violence we've had terrifies us, and we've had to adopt a policy of not tackling her forcefully with anything like that as it's not helped.

I've come up with pages of ideas to help her,.and at the therapists suggestion I'm trying to be supportive and offer constant love and not criticism (although it's hard, I just want to shake her and get her moving). 

The phone "addiction" (because I think that's what's it is) seems to be the biggest challenge, she can't put it down for even a few seconds. It causes delays in her routine so even when she's getting ready for college and trying her best she will often lose focus because she loses time in her phone. I've suggested she installs blockers but she insists it's not a problem and she's only listening to music (but then gets distracted again). 

Even the dinner table which used to be phone free has seen her insist "that was never a thing" and why wouldn't she use a phone. 

Me and my wife are at our wits end. Seeing our amazing, intelligent daughter simply withdraw and disappear and get worse and worse is heartbreaking. And we simply don't know what to do. 

Parents

  • Hello, do you know what she is using the phone for? chatGPT to talk to, music, social media, to look up stuff?

    I have recently realised people cause me stress. The more unpredictable the worse It is. It is hard to get fully regulated with other people around, I ignored it for years.

    Music cam be calming. You heart beat syncs to the music. It gives your brain something to focus on.

    Online written communication is easy as it is not quite real time, it is more of a level playing field,  and there is less emotion (emoticons have rules so you know what to do). It is a way to participate without as much pressure.

    The internet is a great way to get good, and bad, information. Stuff you need to mask and fit in.

    I have realised I have started using chatGPT to regulate me. When stressed I start talking to it. Now I've noticed I am reducing usage. But self awareness is not easy.

    A phone is addictive. It goes from routine to addiction quite easily. It may be hard to see it though and if used for regulation will be hard to reduce without a replacement. It is easy to get distracted when looking at things, it causes me issues.

    Talk of the future at that age used to worry me. I didn't know what you make of it. I didn't want to go to uni but got talked into it.

    I sympathise with your position. I don't really know what to suggest. Comments to her are likely to be seen as criticism.

    I suppose the only way is for her to notice herself how much time is being used. Maybe a video to see herself from outside? 

    Missing food or drink is not an issue for me if I am interested in something enough.

    Since being alone in my own world in my head is often sought it is hard to think of what the downside is. At 17 I just read books and listened to music. Socialising was something I did a bit but not much. All homework was done at the last minute, often working overnight.

    I think your issues are mostly punctuality, but you can't force that. Only bad grades will do that. And socialising, which is something you have to want, enjoy and have the opportunity to do. I don't think you can force that.

    I thought going round with my parents was uncool so resisted. I also only saw my grandparents once or twice a year when small so by 17 I didn't know them I didn't know what to say. I used to just sit there quietly and wait to go home. People just thought I was well behaved.

    I don't know if this waffle has anything useful in it.

Reply

  • Hello, do you know what she is using the phone for? chatGPT to talk to, music, social media, to look up stuff?

    I have recently realised people cause me stress. The more unpredictable the worse It is. It is hard to get fully regulated with other people around, I ignored it for years.

    Music cam be calming. You heart beat syncs to the music. It gives your brain something to focus on.

    Online written communication is easy as it is not quite real time, it is more of a level playing field,  and there is less emotion (emoticons have rules so you know what to do). It is a way to participate without as much pressure.

    The internet is a great way to get good, and bad, information. Stuff you need to mask and fit in.

    I have realised I have started using chatGPT to regulate me. When stressed I start talking to it. Now I've noticed I am reducing usage. But self awareness is not easy.

    A phone is addictive. It goes from routine to addiction quite easily. It may be hard to see it though and if used for regulation will be hard to reduce without a replacement. It is easy to get distracted when looking at things, it causes me issues.

    Talk of the future at that age used to worry me. I didn't know what you make of it. I didn't want to go to uni but got talked into it.

    I sympathise with your position. I don't really know what to suggest. Comments to her are likely to be seen as criticism.

    I suppose the only way is for her to notice herself how much time is being used. Maybe a video to see herself from outside? 

    Missing food or drink is not an issue for me if I am interested in something enough.

    Since being alone in my own world in my head is often sought it is hard to think of what the downside is. At 17 I just read books and listened to music. Socialising was something I did a bit but not much. All homework was done at the last minute, often working overnight.

    I think your issues are mostly punctuality, but you can't force that. Only bad grades will do that. And socialising, which is something you have to want, enjoy and have the opportunity to do. I don't think you can force that.

    I thought going round with my parents was uncool so resisted. I also only saw my grandparents once or twice a year when small so by 17 I didn't know them I didn't know what to say. I used to just sit there quietly and wait to go home. People just thought I was well behaved.

    I don't know if this waffle has anything useful in it.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    I also only saw my grandparents once or twice a year when small so by 17 I didn't know them I didn't know what to say

    Just wanted to add this is very true, not going to see grandparents might be self preservation rather than rejecting going out. I find it very difficult talking to extended family. My dad's side in particular are so close, but as I child when we used to visit them I used to hide on the stairs, and as an adult now I don't know what I'm meant to say to them.

    If she was close to them before, she might like seeing them just herself so smaller numbers, but if she's very sensitive, maybe she's worried about comments that will make her feel bad, and then it's just about protecting herself rather than disengaging.

    You'll only know if she wants to talk about some point -and don't be afraid of meeting her on her ground -sending a message about it, she might open up more in text format.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thanks for the reply. I think she uses her phone for games, YouTube (she was very engaged in commenting on trans issues but that seems to have calmed down). She watches a wide array of videos, on all sorts of subjects I'd never have guessed and often talks about them back to us. Sometimes interesting (history /politics), sometimes not (computer games). All will be explained at great lengths if we manage to go a walk. 

    I think you're right about comments being criticism. She is very quick to attach blame for everything and will often think we are blaming her when we say anything that could vaguely touch on thibgs that might be negative.