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Support / ideas for general withdrawal from life

FriedDad

The last year has been really difficult with C, our 17 yo trans daughter. She was diagnosed with autism at about 9 and has always been very bright, engaged and although she had some social problems at school and struggled to keep friends, and we suffered a lot of anger and violence at home, we kind of clung on.

Thankfully the violence has stopped recently but C has spent the last year gradually withdrawing. It started with school withdrawal just before her GCSEs and she'd simply stay in bed. Thankfully we managed to get her through GCSEs and thanks to her work and memory she did well. 

She got a place in college and the first two months were okay. Since she fell out with a friend though she's struggled with friendships and this has precipitated another withdrawal. She can't get to the bus on time and instances are getting worse and more frequent. Over Christmas it turned into simply staying in bed most days. She wouldn't come to her grandparents or out with us on holiday, simply refusing to do her her or start her routine. Some days not eating. 

We have been for family therapy, which started to try and tackle the violence. We're continuing that but doesn't really work as she simply doesn't want to solve her problems, or really have any insight into them. If we talk about the future then she gets stressed, she wants to go to uni but we can't see how it's going to happen at the moment so we're encouraging her to take one day at a time. She refuses to accept she's autistic, and won't engage the GP or college to get help,.not does she want us doing it. 

She spends all her time on her phone and stays up late, to 2 or 3am. We simply can't take away WiFi or Phone as the violence we've had terrifies us, and we've had to adopt a policy of not tackling her forcefully with anything like that as it's not helped.

I've come up with pages of ideas to help her,.and at the therapists suggestion I'm trying to be supportive and offer constant love and not criticism (although it's hard, I just want to shake her and get her moving). 

The phone "addiction" (because I think that's what's it is) seems to be the biggest challenge, she can't put it down for even a few seconds. It causes delays in her routine so even when she's getting ready for college and trying her best she will often lose focus because she loses time in her phone. I've suggested she installs blockers but she insists it's not a problem and she's only listening to music (but then gets distracted again). 

Even the dinner table which used to be phone free has seen her insist "that was never a thing" and why wouldn't she use a phone. 

Me and my wife are at our wits end. Seeing our amazing, intelligent daughter simply withdraw and disappear and get worse and worse is heartbreaking. And we simply don't know what to do. 

Parents

  • I’m so sorry that you are all as a family struggling in this way. It’s incredibly hard when the person involved doesn’t feel able or willing engage with some of the ways you’re trying to help. It’s very positive though that she’s been willing to go to family therapy - that’s a big achievement for all of you. Has she been engaging with services relating to her being trans? How has that process been for her? Has she been given any medication? 
    Phones are undoubtedly addictive. My son spends countless hours on his iPad - and I also find it hard to get him to be less withdrawn from many aspects of life. It’s so hard for him and like you (by the sound of it) I try to remove as much pressure as I can from him as I know he is struggling so much and really suffering (my son has ocd as well as being autistic - and ocd is such a hard thing to live with and try to overcome)  and it’s so hard for him. Sometimes I think the phone/ipad is their only source of comfort and distraction and therefore of course they turn to it to try to feel better. But it is a vicious circle in many ways. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid. I think it’s vital to try to keep communication as good as you possibly can between you and your daughter, and to help them to be in no doubt whatsoever that you are 100% on their side and that you will always be there for them 100% in any way you can. I think it’s likely that your daughter is feeling very lonely - even though she has a family who loves her so much. Sometimes being there for our children, letting them know that we will always be there for them no matter was, is the best we can do. Gentle encouragement to get her to come out with you or do something she enjoys if possible. Is there anything she enjoys that isn’t related to her phone? Would she like to travel somewhere or go on holiday - to get away for a while? Sometimes a complete change or scene or routine can be helpful. 

Reply

  • I’m so sorry that you are all as a family struggling in this way. It’s incredibly hard when the person involved doesn’t feel able or willing engage with some of the ways you’re trying to help. It’s very positive though that she’s been willing to go to family therapy - that’s a big achievement for all of you. Has she been engaging with services relating to her being trans? How has that process been for her? Has she been given any medication? 
    Phones are undoubtedly addictive. My son spends countless hours on his iPad - and I also find it hard to get him to be less withdrawn from many aspects of life. It’s so hard for him and like you (by the sound of it) I try to remove as much pressure as I can from him as I know he is struggling so much and really suffering (my son has ocd as well as being autistic - and ocd is such a hard thing to live with and try to overcome)  and it’s so hard for him. Sometimes I think the phone/ipad is their only source of comfort and distraction and therefore of course they turn to it to try to feel better. But it is a vicious circle in many ways. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid. I think it’s vital to try to keep communication as good as you possibly can between you and your daughter, and to help them to be in no doubt whatsoever that you are 100% on their side and that you will always be there for them 100% in any way you can. I think it’s likely that your daughter is feeling very lonely - even though she has a family who loves her so much. Sometimes being there for our children, letting them know that we will always be there for them no matter was, is the best we can do. Gentle encouragement to get her to come out with you or do something she enjoys if possible. Is there anything she enjoys that isn’t related to her phone? Would she like to travel somewhere or go on holiday - to get away for a while? Sometimes a complete change or scene or routine can be helpful. 

Children
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Thank you for the thoughtful reply  .

    On the trans side then she's not taken it any further than changing her identity/preferred gender. We've tried to balance supporting her and not doing things for her. And so she's not engaged anyone or taken any next steps. It's very difficult to know just how much to do for her and I feel it needs to be her decision/ push. A little different to, say, a college application where we'd activity push her hard to do it so it gets done. 

    I think you're right about phones being a source of comfort for her, she engages in debate and has friends online and so I think it helps her. I just wish it didn't impact her life. 

    We recently had a cruise, which she enjoyed but it was a challenge. Getting up and ready early for excursions is tough and the lack of a strict schedule on sea days meant she stayed in bed a lot. It was a good holiday for us though as we could get up and out without worrying about the kids. Often holidays are hard because if she won't get ready then it's very frustrating. We often lose most of the day and it's caused arguments. So sometimes I'm more tempted to stay at home. As you say it's a vicious circle. The less we do because she can't cope or engage the more she withdraws.