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Bedtime Battles and School Avoidance – Seeking Help

Loz

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out because honestly I’m feeling lost at the moment and hoping to connect with other parents-or anyone with lived experience-who might relate. It would be super appreciated. 

Son has been finding evenings and bedtimes really difficult for, well, their entire life but lately it's been exacerbated. They often become overwhelmed, struggle to settle (jumping around, turning lights on and off, eventually climbing in my bed, pushing and shoving etc), and the whole build-up to bedtime feels like a huge hurdle.

In the mornings, school has become even harder. Son has always expressed that they hate school, but in primary we managed a routine that worked: I’d take him to his grandparents in the morning in the car, and he would walk to and from school with his granddad. It wasn’t always easy, but it was manageable. 

He recently moved up to high school, and everything has changed. He’s now refusing school entirely, especially since half term. He’s bright academically but struggles socially and emotionally. Bedtimes and mornings have become emotionally intense and exhausting for both of us. The days can be difficult too, trying to implement routines etc but they are manageable. Son does not want to be seen as different and is struggling to accept his ASD diagnosis, he was finally given it recently aged 11. The ND practitioner has put ADHD as under review on his file, hoping the support he receives from his ASD diagnosis covers that too. 

I’m trying so hard to support him, keep communication open, and work with his school-while also keeping our routines predictable and reducing pressure where I can.

Despite all this, I feel like I’m out of my depth. I want him to be happy, feel safe, and know I’m on his side no matter what. But the constant worry and the ongoing battles are starting to take a toll on my own mental health (it's affecting my work etc), and I’m just not sure what else to try.

If anyone has been through similar-either as a parent or from your own childhood experience-I’d be really grateful to hear anything that helped you or your child, what didn’t, or even just to know we’re not alone.

Loz Cat

  • I'm afraid that school is in many ways a hostile environment for autistic people. A vanishingly small proportion of autistic adults regard their experience of school in a positive light. Personally, I think schooldays were the most difficult part of my life.

    A thing that can help greatly and should not be particularly onerous for any school to comply with is having a 'safe space' available for autistic children to have access to. This could be a library or similarly quiet enclosed room. Allistic children find playgrounds a useful outlet for their 'animal spirits', but they can be nightmarish for autistic children. The quiet space should be available during breaks and, hopefully, mealtimes. Teachers should be informed that an autistic child has a right to leave the classroom at any time they feel overwhelmed, with them not to be made to feel they are being disruptive. It would be useful for teachers to provide autistic children with extra written support material, ideally before lessons on a particular subject are due to be taught. Also not hint at what they expect in the form of homework, but give detailed instructions, so the autistic child is not left double guessing. In my experience with my autistic child, I am autistic myself, they were given a huge wodge of homework and made themselves quite literally sick with anxiety when it was impossible to complete in the time available. It turned out that the teacher had not realised the extent of the task they had set (I suspect they had downloaded and printed it off from an online source without actually going through it), and in the event only expected about a quarter of it to be completed.

  • in reply to Deedee

    Thank you so much for reaching out. 

    I’m definitely exhausted at the moment, so it’s hard to see things clearly, but I do agree that behaviour is communication. There’s definitely anxiety mixed in with everything for him. 

    I’ve actually started tracking things informally, but a diary is a good idea so I can properly look for patterns. Some days it feels worse before school, other days it’s hard to pinpoint, so I think writing it down might help me see if there’s anything consistent. Last night he choked me from behind and a week or two ago he covered my head and mouth with his duvet. 

    His room is quite calm and minimal already, and we’ve been trying to keep bedtime as low-stim as possible. A little room “reset” or makeover together is a lovely suggestion, it could be a possibility in future but with Christmas and his birthday coming up, it might be some time. 

    The change from primary to secondary has definitely taken its toll, and we’re in contact with the school already. I've also been reaching out for other support but it's a matter of waiting. He’s managed a couple of short sessions recently, which feels like small but positive progress. I’m trying to follow the “choose your battles” advice too - it really does make a difference to focus on what actually matters and let the rest go.

    I've spent a lot of today crying. I feel like I am struggling to keep above the surface. I definitely feel burnt out. 

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond. It means a lot. 

  • Hi, sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. Can be hard to see things clearly when so exhausted but might just be helpful keeping a diary of things. Something might stand out, eg is it worse night before school, anything diet related, not enough exercise or too much stimulation before bed? It's really difficult to give any advice when there are so many differences but you might just find a pattern of behaviour. Behaviour is communication just with a whole load of anxiety thrown in. Sounds like the change of school has taken it's toll too. I always tried to keep a very calm, comfortable bedroom for my son, no distractions or anything too stimulating, but was very easy for that to change eg if there different lighting. Would do a little makeover together in his room so he had control over changes, seemed to make things easier. Best advice anyone gave me was....choose your battles. If you battle everything you'll burn out, save your energy for what matters. Get school involved, if he's happier there everything else might just get easier.