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Aggressive meltdowns and parental burnout

Kathd

I have just recently spent 10 days in hospital with my 19 year old autistic daughter because of severe aggressive meltdowns. This behaviour started 6 weeks ago out of the blue and escalated to the point of having to call an ambulance as I couldn't control her.

I miss my happy loving daughter and feel sick with fear that I have failed her. The hospital stay was very hard but coming back home she had a meltdown adjusting back to home life. I have always been the one that she came to for comfort and I could always help her when she was younger when melting down. But two days after being home from the hospital she said she didnt want to be here and wanted to go to her dads. It's a complex situation as we have been divorced since she was 18 months old and his work isn't flexible, yet I couldn't get her to calm down and had to ask him to take time off as I am suffering burnout from the 10 day hospital stay with her.

I just want to feel hope that my daughter and I can get through this.

  • Kathd said:
    I have just recently spent 10 days in hospital with my 19 year old autistic daughter

    One thing that springs to mind is that your daughter may be experiencing a whole range of anxieties including a form of cabin fever from being with you so much.

    I'm sure she appreciates your support but many autists need alone time to be able to recharge after a meltdown and this can take weeks to get back to a semi normal state.

    If you can find a way to give her more space then that would be my approach. Support her, tell her you are there for her but treat her more as an adult and ask if she wants you to do the things you are doing now.

    You also need to get some time for you so this could be a good occasion to find some things you like and allow yourself to enjoy them, whether it is going for a massage / spa visit, visiting a friend or family you really enjoy time with or just going to the cinema - let your own battery recharge.

    You aren't failing her - this is her autism causing the issues which are likely to be a problem for her for all her life, but once she is out of this phase then there is more chance you can convince her to get the sort of support she needs to better manage the pre-meltdown stage so she can avoid it as much as possible.

    At her age I suspect she is on the cust of major life changing circumstances such as leaving education, maybe starting higher education or having to get a job, maybe romantic interests are playing a bigger part or even learning to drive can all be significant stressers.

    Consider if any of these could be in play and ask her a little about it when she is in a better headspace and ask if she wants to talk about them.

    It sounds like you are being a great mum but are in a difficult situation. Remember you have stood by her when she needed you most and give yourself some credit. Now she is recovering you need to look after yourself and give her the same space.

    Of course all this is advice from some random off the internet so don't take it as gospel - consider it and make up your own mind would be the order of the day Slight smile

  • Did something change 6 weeks ago or before, lights, vibrations, sounds, environment, scents (paint, perfume) or food?

    Something that might be associated with the environment?

  • Dear Kathd,

    Well done for reaching out to our online community, it sounds like you and your daughter are going through a lot. I hope our online community can help with some support for you.

    You did the right thing in calling an ambulance when you couldn't control her meltdown but I imagine that must of been a very difficult thing to do and I hope you have some support in place to support you and your family. It is common for parents to have feelings of guilt or anxiety over their children's health and needs, but please know you are doing all the right things. 

    I have linked the NAS guidance on Meltdowns and Distressed behaviour - you might already know some of their content but it can be helpful to find additional strategies on these pages. 

    The NAS also run a Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline - they can help offer some emotional support to you during this challenging time. 

    It may also be worth having a chat with the GP or anyone from your daughters health team as they may have some more specialist support they can offer. 

    Best wishes,

    Olivia Mod