Obsessive Phone Calls from Nephew-- seeking a solution

Hi,

My apologies this post is a bit long-- I hope you will bear with me.

I'm recently married and my husband's 13 year old nephew is on the autism spectrum. I've known him for two years but only recently have things escalated, so to speak. I'm not sure exactly when it happened--possibly when my father-in-law became ill and was briefly hospitalized earlier this year-- but our nephew has become fixated with seeing me or being in contact frequently. When we see each other at family gatherings (which is usually about 1/per month), he wants to high five or "pound it" over and over again. Sometimes, if we're sitting close, he will pat, touch, or stroke my arm and on one occassion he's asked if he could kiss me.

His parents --my brother and sister in law--remark how often he asks when he can see me, how he wants to call me, etc. I think he's a great kid (plus he's my nephew & I would talk to him regularly even if he wasn't autistic) so I make an effort to speak with him once a week. In those conversations, I ask how school is going, what he's up to at home, what he did/will do over the weekend, etc. Recently he got his own mobile phone and in the past week or two has begun to call obsessively-- sometimes only a day or two after we have our weekly call and always multiple times (average of 20+ calls a night lately). Prior to having his own phone he would call my number from my brother-in law's phone so there was a bit more "policing" happening but it was still a bit excessive with several calls coming in from his father's phone regularly.

If I've already spoken to him that week, I won't take subsequent calls because I want to set a realistic pattern for him: not everyone can take your call all the time and it's not appropriate to keep calling if someone doesn't answer or isnt available. On those occassions I don't take his call, I've tried sending a text to say "Hey buddy, can't talk right now but I know we'll talk very soon and I hope you have a great day at school. I will talk to you soon". I've also assured him that, if I'm not available, he can leave a message and I can calll him back in the next few days. But, none of this seems to help.

I'm trying to set some boundaries around communication but I fear I'm coming up short in really helping him to understand and operate within those boundaries and need support from his parents. In particular, I want to address the behavior with him outright and get us on the right track. Wanting to be sensitive to him and their experience I have the following questions and I would love some insight on how to approach with both his parents and himself:

1. As a parent or carer for someone on the autistic spectrum, how would you recommend I approach this issue with his parents? To be truthful, the cumulative effect of the behavior is a little concerning but I don't want to blow them over or imply that I think my nephew is a creep. I think he's clearly struggling with some complex feelings and realities. He needs boundaries but not sure how to be more clear with his parents as they seem pretty aware already but don't appear to be currently counseling him more closely on this issue.

2. Should I view--or discuss--the obsessive calling behavior as part and parcel of a crush? Or is this behavior more related to autistic "obsessions" and unrelated to potential romantic feelings? I know that's a tough call but I am curious how a "crush" might complicate already complex behaviors.

3. Has anyone had a similar experience--e.g. an obsession with a social behavior or social response from a specific person? If so, did you try some progressive boundaries and was it successful? I am considering setting up a day each week where we have a scheduled call so he has an event to look forward to as well as a sense of boundaries.

4. Does anyone have suggestions for seting a "schedule"? I know that part of the problem might be the difficulty he has in percieving time. Most of his 20+ calls come within minutes of each other and usually over the course of 1-2 hours in the evening before bed. And I recognize that when I say "we'll talk soon" or "I'll call you back" he may not be able to reasonbly quantify that span of time. How can I help him understand those concepts with very little visual accompaniment (e.g. calendar) and while in different places?

5. How might you go about discussing these boundaries with him--what's normal, what's acceptable in communication between two people? My biggest concern is that this goes unaddressed and repeats itself with other people in the future. Would it be helpful to encourage his parents to discuss this with his teachers? Would it be possible to work on this kind of thing in his social skills classes?

Many thanks for any helpful thoughts or advice you can give here.

Parents

Coogybear over 11 years ago

Hi leweekend
It sounds like a very delicate situation you have there and it seems you are being really sensitive to his feelings.
MY son (16) had a similar problem with obsessive calling of a former girlfriend and some of his 'mates' on their mobiles. In the end I had to put a bar our home phone as we had a series of shocking bills in succession, because he couldn't manage his own mobile phone credit, would run out and use the home phone instead. He refused to believe it was him running up the calls or even acknowledge that he was calling people every few minutes if he didn't get through first time. Fortunately, I had itemized billing, so we matched the numbers called to his mates on his address book and showed him. The thing is, my son hates using the phone and has difficulty communicating approprately whilst on it anyway, so we couldn't quite fathom it. Because of his poor time concept he would spend too long on the phone to mobiles also. It resulted in us being disconnnected at one point because the bills were so high. He would even ring a friend whom he would be meeting shortly anyway!
Obsessive behaviour and fixation are common traits i'm told. The impulsiveness of calling is hard to manage and this is amplified when you don't get an immediate response. Hence probably the reason you are getting calls in quick sucession. Like my own son he may not realize how frequently he's actually calling unless presented with it visually.
As for the obsession with yourself I can appreciate how difficult that is. When my own son had a girlfriend (his first) it was extremely intense, very quickly and obsessive in nature. The fallout when they separated was awfull. A bereavement almost. He was climbing the walls with grief.
Your sitauation is clearly a concern to you and I can understandion why. Along with his admiration for you he's clearly missreading some of the subtle social cues that are present here. He may even be thinking that your offer to call him means you are interested in him on a romatic level. Most on the spectrum have difficulty working these things out. It's clear regardless, that his feeling for you are quite intense.
It might be that the boys parents are unaware of the amount of calls you are receiving. In my view I think they need to know. Perhaps as with our son, your nephew needs visual evidence of his calls to recognise his behaviour. Although I must say, recognising it is one thing, doing something about it is quite another. From what you describe it sounds as though his crush and obsessive tendancies are combining and amplifying the situation for him.
With my own son the total withdrawral of the ability to call was the only way forward, because he couldn't control it, however in your case I can imagine that this could put him into a greater sense of distress. It's a difficult one to call. (Sorry that's not meant to be a pun)
In my experience their will be little you can do to stop his behaviour repeating itself with others in the future. Some go through the same behaviours over and over unable to see why that behaviour is inappropriate. For others they may repeat the same behaviour many times, but eventually understand.
It's a difficult age. He has the communication issues and many other complex factors going on, including the onset of pubity. It may be that he needs a diversion of sorts. Someone or something to distract him from you, so to speak. Diversion doesn't always work, but it maybe worth a try.
Most on the spectrum prefer and indeed understand Black & White. Grey is where it all become too complex. It may be that you need to be more Black and white for him. I'll call you soon is too grey. (When is soon? She's called me, so she must like me etc) If you do go ahead and set a day/time to call, remember that deviation from that; for what ever reason, can be distressing. Routine is very central to some. However, you need to let him know that this is the only day/time he can call you. If you need to enforce that, it maybe necessary to warn him that the calls stop altogether if he cannot abide by your rule. He does need to know that although you respect him very much, you don't have feelings for him on a romantic level.
If he cannot manage that then you may have to review the situation.
I'm not a psychologist and i've only got my own experience to draw on, but I hope this is of some help for you.
Kind Regards,
Coogybear xx
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Coogybear over 11 years ago

Hi leweekend
It sounds like a very delicate situation you have there and it seems you are being really sensitive to his feelings.
MY son (16) had a similar problem with obsessive calling of a former girlfriend and some of his 'mates' on their mobiles. In the end I had to put a bar our home phone as we had a series of shocking bills in succession, because he couldn't manage his own mobile phone credit, would run out and use the home phone instead. He refused to believe it was him running up the calls or even acknowledge that he was calling people every few minutes if he didn't get through first time. Fortunately, I had itemized billing, so we matched the numbers called to his mates on his address book and showed him. The thing is, my son hates using the phone and has difficulty communicating approprately whilst on it anyway, so we couldn't quite fathom it. Because of his poor time concept he would spend too long on the phone to mobiles also. It resulted in us being disconnnected at one point because the bills were so high. He would even ring a friend whom he would be meeting shortly anyway!
Obsessive behaviour and fixation are common traits i'm told. The impulsiveness of calling is hard to manage and this is amplified when you don't get an immediate response. Hence probably the reason you are getting calls in quick sucession. Like my own son he may not realize how frequently he's actually calling unless presented with it visually.
As for the obsession with yourself I can appreciate how difficult that is. When my own son had a girlfriend (his first) it was extremely intense, very quickly and obsessive in nature. The fallout when they separated was awfull. A bereavement almost. He was climbing the walls with grief.
Your sitauation is clearly a concern to you and I can understandion why. Along with his admiration for you he's clearly missreading some of the subtle social cues that are present here. He may even be thinking that your offer to call him means you are interested in him on a romatic level. Most on the spectrum have difficulty working these things out. It's clear regardless, that his feeling for you are quite intense.
It might be that the boys parents are unaware of the amount of calls you are receiving. In my view I think they need to know. Perhaps as with our son, your nephew needs visual evidence of his calls to recognise his behaviour. Although I must say, recognising it is one thing, doing something about it is quite another. From what you describe it sounds as though his crush and obsessive tendancies are combining and amplifying the situation for him.
With my own son the total withdrawral of the ability to call was the only way forward, because he couldn't control it, however in your case I can imagine that this could put him into a greater sense of distress. It's a difficult one to call. (Sorry that's not meant to be a pun)
In my experience their will be little you can do to stop his behaviour repeating itself with others in the future. Some go through the same behaviours over and over unable to see why that behaviour is inappropriate. For others they may repeat the same behaviour many times, but eventually understand.
It's a difficult age. He has the communication issues and many other complex factors going on, including the onset of pubity. It may be that he needs a diversion of sorts. Someone or something to distract him from you, so to speak. Diversion doesn't always work, but it maybe worth a try.
Most on the spectrum prefer and indeed understand Black & White. Grey is where it all become too complex. It may be that you need to be more Black and white for him. I'll call you soon is too grey. (When is soon? She's called me, so she must like me etc) If you do go ahead and set a day/time to call, remember that deviation from that; for what ever reason, can be distressing. Routine is very central to some. However, you need to let him know that this is the only day/time he can call you. If you need to enforce that, it maybe necessary to warn him that the calls stop altogether if he cannot abide by your rule. He does need to know that although you respect him very much, you don't have feelings for him on a romantic level.
If he cannot manage that then you may have to review the situation.
I'm not a psychologist and i've only got my own experience to draw on, but I hope this is of some help for you.
Kind Regards,
Coogybear xx
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