Obsessive Phone Calls from Nephew-- seeking a solution

I wonder if a different approach may work, which may be less confrontational.  May I suggest saying that you only have x number of minutes / texts on your phone contract and if you go over it costs you lots of money.   Also say you are locked into your contract so cannot increase usage.  Maybe suggest no of texts per day / week that you can respond to.

He may be mortified that he has caused financial loss to you and no doubt will  do whatever is necessary to avoid you getting another huge phone bill.

It's a white lie, but less uncomfortable for all I think.

Hi,

Speaking as an AS adult I cannot stress enough how unaware someone can be of appropriate social behaviours.

Unless someone (ideally a neutral trusted third party like a parent here) sits down and explains the "rules" for this situation the nephew is going to struggle to work it out for himself, mostly likely only when a significant embarrassment occurs which is above a threshold he can pick up on.

You will be surprised if he turns round and goes "Oh, why didn't anyone tell me that.  Someone should write a rulebook".

Also be aware that whatever social rules he learned as a child are now somewhat out of the window at this age.  He is most likely emotionally immature in the body of an adolescent, and he is surrounded at school by people who are also changing but learning quickly about a new way of interacting and new rules.  he can see this and feels something is going on but he is not equipped to deal with it (without guidance).  Again he needs someone trusted and neutral to guide him, which has to mean not you (sorry).  Even if you are pushing him away, the fact that you are talking about matters which are fascinating in a manner which shows he is safe with a trusted friend can only bind him closer to you.

If the calling has become obsessive then it is best to cut all contact IMO.  This will allow the mental churn to refocus on some new, healthier interest. You may find the nephew simply moves on, revealing the lack of actual emotional investment in you (as opposed to a fascination with the abstract idea of the fantasy relation).

And now the health warning: as above I am AS so my reading of the situation has to be taken with a large salt cellar.

Best,

Jakob

You sound like you are an amazing Aunt with great insight into this young man.

I'm not sure I can help much but my 13 yr old can be obsessive with her phone and seems to 'expect' people to answer her calls or reply straight back to texts.  She tends to facetime her dad (we split years ago) excessively and gets cross when he doesn't answer.  He works unsocial hours and no matter how often I remind her that he may be at work, she doesn't 'get it' and sometimes he will answer her from work which doesn't help!

I think what you are doing now is probably the best way to handle it but I'd also have a word with his parents.  I had an email from my friend to say my daughter was texting their house phone over and over last year - she was lovely about it but it must have been frustrating for them because they couldn't be sure if it was a genuine call coming in.  In this instance, if your nephew is leaving voicemails, he may be running up a big bill.  The also need to be aware because of it happening to others.  

I do tend to monitor my daughters phone - she's had some nasty texts before that she's not told me and some from boys she's 'met' online on a children's website.  She hasn't found the block button on her phone but I use it regulary to stop these texts.  Your nephew may also need his phone monitoring to protect him but his parents may not be aware of this yet.

Again, I'd like to say you are doing a great job already and other than talking to his parents, I doubt there is much more you can do.

Hi leweekend

 It sounds like a very delicate situation you have there and it seems you are being really sensitive to his feelings.

MY son (16) had a similar problem with obsessive calling of a former girlfriend and some of his 'mates' on their mobiles. In the end I had to put a bar our home phone as we had a series of shocking bills in succession, because he couldn't manage his own mobile phone credit, would run out and use the home phone instead. He refused to believe it was him running up the calls or even acknowledge that he was calling people every few minutes if he didn't get through first time. Fortunately, I had itemized billing, so we matched the numbers called to his mates on his address book and showed him. The thing is, my son hates using the phone and has difficulty communicating approprately whilst on it anyway, so we couldn't quite fathom it. Because of his poor time concept he would spend too long on the phone to mobiles also. It resulted in us being disconnnected at one point because the bills were so high. He would even ring a friend whom he would be meeting shortly anyway!

Obsessive behaviour and fixation are common traits i'm told. The impulsiveness of calling is hard to manage and this is amplified when you don't get an immediate response. Hence probably the reason you are getting calls in quick sucession. Like my own son he may not realize how frequently he's actually calling unless presented with it visually.

As for the obsession with yourself I can appreciate how difficult that is. When my own son had a girlfriend (his first) it was extremely intense, very quickly and obsessive in nature. The fallout when they separated was awfull. A bereavement almost. He was climbing the walls with grief.

Your sitauation is clearly a concern to you and I can understandion why. Along with his admiration for you he's clearly missreading some of the subtle social cues that are present here. He may even be thinking that your offer to call him means you are interested in him on a romatic level. Most on the spectrum have difficulty working these things out. It's clear regardless, that his feeling for you are quite intense.

It might be that the boys parents are unaware of the amount of calls you are receiving. In my view I think they need to know. Perhaps as with our son, your nephew needs visual evidence of his calls to recognise his behaviour. Although I must say, recognising it is one thing, doing something about it is quite another. From what you describe it sounds as though his crush and obsessive tendancies are combining and amplifying the situation for him.

With my own son the total withdrawral of the ability to call was the only way forward, because he couldn't control it, however in your case I can imagine that this could put him into a greater sense of distress. It's a difficult one to call. (Sorry that's not meant to be a pun)

In my experience their will be little you can do to stop his behaviour repeating itself with others in the future. Some go through the same behaviours over and over unable to see why that behaviour is inappropriate. For others they may repeat the same behaviour many times, but eventually understand.

It's a difficult age. He has the communication issues and many other complex factors going on, including the onset of pubity. It may be that he needs a diversion of sorts. Someone or something to distract him from you, so to speak. Diversion doesn't always work, but it maybe worth a try.

Most on the spectrum prefer and indeed understand Black & White. Grey is where it all become too complex. It may be that you need to be more Black and white for him. I'll call you soon is too grey. (When is soon? She's called me, so she must like me etc) If you do go ahead and set a day/time to call, remember that deviation from that; for what ever reason, can be distressing. Routine is very central to some. However, you need to let him know that this is the only day/time he can call you. If you need to enforce that, it maybe necessary to warn him that the calls stop altogether if he cannot abide by your rule. He does need to know that although you respect him very much, you don't have feelings for him on a romantic level.

If he cannot manage that then you may have to review the situation.

I'm not a psychologist and i've only got my own experience to draw on, but I hope this is of some help for you.

Kind Regards,

Coogybear xx