Hi,
My apologies this post is a bit long-- I hope you will bear with me.
I'm recently married and my husband's 13 year old nephew is on the autism spectrum. I've known him for two years but only recently have things escalated, so to speak. I'm not sure exactly when it happened--possibly when my father-in-law became ill and was briefly hospitalized earlier this year-- but our nephew has become fixated with seeing me or being in contact frequently. When we see each other at family gatherings (which is usually about 1/per month), he wants to high five or "pound it" over and over again. Sometimes, if we're sitting close, he will pat, touch, or stroke my arm and on one occassion he's asked if he could kiss me.
His parents --my brother and sister in law--remark how often he asks when he can see me, how he wants to call me, etc. I think he's a great kid (plus he's my nephew & I would talk to him regularly even if he wasn't autistic) so I make an effort to speak with him once a week. In those conversations, I ask how school is going, what he's up to at home, what he did/will do over the weekend, etc. Recently he got his own mobile phone and in the past week or two has begun to call obsessively-- sometimes only a day or two after we have our weekly call and always multiple times (average of 20+ calls a night lately). Prior to having his own phone he would call my number from my brother-in law's phone so there was a bit more "policing" happening but it was still a bit excessive with several calls coming in from his father's phone regularly.
If I've already spoken to him that week, I won't take subsequent calls because I want to set a realistic pattern for him: not everyone can take your call all the time and it's not appropriate to keep calling if someone doesn't answer or isnt available. On those occassions I don't take his call, I've tried sending a text to say "Hey buddy, can't talk right now but I know we'll talk very soon and I hope you have a great day at school. I will talk to you soon". I've also assured him that, if I'm not available, he can leave a message and I can calll him back in the next few days. But, none of this seems to help.
I'm trying to set some boundaries around communication but I fear I'm coming up short in really helping him to understand and operate within those boundaries and need support from his parents. In particular, I want to address the behavior with him outright and get us on the right track. Wanting to be sensitive to him and their experience I have the following questions and I would love some insight on how to approach with both his parents and himself:
1. As a parent or carer for someone on the autistic spectrum, how would you recommend I approach this issue with his parents? To be truthful, the cumulative effect of the behavior is a little concerning but I don't want to blow them over or imply that I think my nephew is a creep. I think he's clearly struggling with some complex feelings and realities. He needs boundaries but not sure how to be more clear with his parents as they seem pretty aware already but don't appear to be currently counseling him more closely on this issue.
2. Should I view--or discuss--the obsessive calling behavior as part and parcel of a crush? Or is this behavior more related to autistic "obsessions" and unrelated to potential romantic feelings? I know that's a tough call but I am curious how a "crush" might complicate already complex behaviors.
3. Has anyone had a similar experience--e.g. an obsession with a social behavior or social response from a specific person? If so, did you try some progressive boundaries and was it successful? I am considering setting up a day each week where we have a scheduled call so he has an event to look forward to as well as a sense of boundaries.
4. Does anyone have suggestions for seting a "schedule"? I know that part of the problem might be the difficulty he has in percieving time. Most of his 20+ calls come within minutes of each other and usually over the course of 1-2 hours in the evening before bed. And I recognize that when I say "we'll talk soon" or "I'll call you back" he may not be able to reasonbly quantify that span of time. How can I help him understand those concepts with very little visual accompaniment (e.g. calendar) and while in different places?
5. How might you go about discussing these boundaries with him--what's normal, what's acceptable in communication between two people? My biggest concern is that this goes unaddressed and repeats itself with other people in the future. Would it be helpful to encourage his parents to discuss this with his teachers? Would it be possible to work on this kind of thing in his social skills classes?
Many thanks for any helpful thoughts or advice you can give here.