Dear members,
This is my first post and I am hoping your wealth of knowledge and experience will provide some much needed advice for me.
I haven't seen my 12 year old autistic son for about 6 months now.
He lives with his Mum approx. 10 min drive away and goes to a special needs school (Currently in year 7).
Me & his Mum have been divorced since 2020 and living apart since late 2018.
We also have a 9 year girl who is neurotypical (Again, lives with Mum)
I have an arrangement to see the children 1 day every weekend between 10am to 4pm. Unfortunately the nature of my job means there are occasions where I am working at the weekend and therefore I don't have to opportunity to see them for maybe 2 or 3 weeks at a time. In addition, the children might be on holiday with the Mum (& her partner of 4+ years) or have other commitments (e.g. birthday parties) which means they aren't available at weekends either.
So far this year every time I come to collect both kids, only my daughter will want to see me. My son stays indoors. (I wait in the car whilst their Mum brings them to me) When I ask his Mum why, she explains he says things like "Not today", "I stay indoors" or "I am too old to see Daddy now". Unfortunately, it is very difficult for my son to elaborate any further on why he doesn't want to see me. Her Mum has told me she has tried to ask him further. She explains to me that it is likely, after 5 days of stimulus at school, he just wants to stay indoors and unwind rather than being taken to a different environment (i.e. my house) with additional stimulation which I do understand. That being said, this has been the case for over 6 months now without him seeing me. The last time I saw him was just before Xmas and I don't know what has changed because we didn't have an issue prior (i.e. I would collect him and his sister without issue)
His mum has tried to justify the situation by explaining that it would be unfair to force our son to see me and far more beneficial to adhere to his needs and therefore I am being a good father to him. I just can't help that somehow no seeing him either isn't adhering to his needs as well.
My son does not like telephones or videocalls (He will run out a room if a phone rings) so that isn't an option. There is a part of me that wants to treat him like a neurotypical 12 year old and explain that sometimes in life he doesn't have a choice who he can and can't see.
In addition, the Mum will not let me in her house to see him (I haven't asked her directly why this is but I feel she doesn't want that "part of her previous life" invading her personal space which if true I understand)
I am trying to work with his Mum to see him next month once the schools are off as therefore he doesn't have the potential overstimulation he would have being at school for 5 days.
I have suggested a neutral location which would be an incentive for him (e.g. ten pin bowling) and met therefore as a group of 4. She is open to this which is promising.
I am open to any other suggestions or advice on my current situation. If it means seeing him occasionally at a neutral location (Like suggested above, I am willing to do that. I am open o anything so I can see my son more often)
Thanking you all in advance,
or23
p.s. I didn't realise what a wealth of information and support is available here. Clearly there are lots of people willing to provide assistance to others in similar situations and I am very grateful for that
