• Replies 9 replies
  • Subscribers 70 subscribers
  • Views 430 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

I haven't seen my autistic son for 6 months

dad_or23

Dear members,

This is my first post and I am hoping your wealth of knowledge and experience will provide some much needed advice for me.

I haven't seen my 12 year old autistic son for about 6 months now. 

He lives with his Mum approx. 10 min drive away and goes to a special needs school (Currently in year 7).
Me & his Mum have been divorced since 2020 and living apart since late 2018.
We also have a 9 year girl who is neurotypical (Again, lives with Mum)

I have an arrangement to see the children 1 day every weekend between 10am to 4pm.  Unfortunately the nature of my job means there are occasions where I am working at the weekend and therefore I don't have to opportunity to see them for maybe 2 or 3 weeks at a time.  In addition, the children might be on holiday with the Mum (& her partner of 4+ years) or have other commitments (e.g. birthday parties) which means they aren't available at weekends either.

So far this year every time I come to collect both kids, only my daughter will want to see me.  My son stays indoors.  (I wait in the car whilst their Mum brings them to me) When I ask his Mum why, she explains he says things like "Not today", "I stay indoors" or "I am too old to see Daddy now".  Unfortunately, it is very difficult for my son to elaborate any further on why he doesn't want to see me.  Her Mum has told me she has tried to ask him further.  She explains to me that it is likely, after 5 days of stimulus at school, he just wants to stay indoors and unwind rather than being taken to a different environment (i.e. my house) with additional stimulation which I do understand.  That being said, this has been the case for over 6 months now without him seeing me. The last time I saw him was just before Xmas and I don't know what has changed because we didn't have an issue prior (i.e. I would collect him and his sister without issue)

His mum has tried to justify the situation by explaining that it would be unfair to force our son to see me and far more beneficial to adhere to his needs and therefore I am being a good father to him.  I just can't help that somehow no seeing him either isn't adhering to his needs as well.
My son does not like telephones or videocalls (He will run out a room if a phone rings) so that isn't an option.  There is a part of me that wants to treat him like a neurotypical 12 year old and explain that sometimes in life he doesn't have a choice who he can and can't see.
In addition, the Mum will not let me in her house to see him (I haven't asked her directly why this is but I feel she doesn't want that "part of her previous life" invading her personal space which if true I understand) 

I am trying to work with his Mum to see him next month once the schools are off as therefore he doesn't have the potential overstimulation he would have being at school for 5 days.
I have suggested a neutral location which would be an incentive for him (e.g. ten pin bowling) and met therefore as a group of 4.  She is open to this which is promising.

I am open to any other suggestions or advice on my current situation.  If it means seeing him occasionally at a neutral location (Like suggested above, I am willing to do that.  I am open o anything so I can see my son more often)

Thanking you all in advance,

or23

p.s. I didn't realise what a wealth of information and support is available here.  Clearly there are lots of people willing to provide assistance to others in similar situations and I am very grateful for that

  • in reply to dad_or23

    I can understand him not being able to explain and perhaps he really doesn't know. But sometimes when it is totally broken down into places/people etc and how he feels (could be on a scale of 1-10) and doing it for all sorts not just this situation. You manage to get a little bit of an insight into the problem even though they can't explain it to you. 

    I would imagine "too old to see daddy" is probably just words but I wonder whether it would be helpful to highlight examples of adults still seeing their dads just incase his understanding really has got confused by something somewhere along the way. 

    I don't think a big gap will be helpful because his routines without you will become more and more set. But I also know from my own experience that pushing an autistic mind against it's will rarely works.

    You may find at some point he changes his mind of his own accord but for now at least you have some ideas of things to try.

  • in reply to Expecto_Patronum

    Thank you for the reply.
    I will certainly broach the subject of entering her house to at least say hello to my son.  At least I can say I've tried if she says no. I agree it doesn't help if I only see my son at weekends after 5 days at school and he may want to unwind.  School holidays should mitigate this (I hope). I certainly don't want to force him otherwise that will make the situation worse.
    I like your suggestions regarding McDonalds for lunch for instance or maybe a note or card to give to his Mum to let him know I am thinking of him (I will definitely do this).
    Regarding his reasoning why he doesn't see me, my ex has explained she has tried to talk to him about it and unsurprisingly he can't explain to her why; just that "he is too old to see Daddy now".  I will talk with her this weekend to see how we can isolate what the issue may be.
    My ex has explained that I am doing what is best for our son by not forcing the issue on him but somehow I feel not seeing his Dad for 6 months is in no way healthy for him
    I hope we find a solution too Expecto_Patronum

  • in reply to dad_or23

    p.s. Thank you profdanger for your reply.  It is much appreciated

  • It is difficult to truly comment as I do not know your son or your situation but it is not uncommon for autistic kids to struggle with the transition between parents. A week of school is tough for them and the thing they want the most is a bit of normal to decompress. Unfortunately for you his normal is his mum's house. 

    I can see why you would want to put your foot down and there are times when autistic or not that would need to happen but it could also make the situation so much worse and he may resent you for it.

    A neutral location sounds like a good idea. It may also help if your ex would back down and let you at least go in to say hi to him. What can happen is he didn't feel like going one week and then it's stopped being a routine and now he doesn't feel able to go at all. Just seeing your face may help.

    It may also be helpful for your wife to try and break it down with him. Not at the point you are trying to collect him. Sometimes if we break the situation down into smaller parts, is it the day, is it the place, is it the length of time etc. If there is something that would be a special treat like a McDonald's or something that he'd be happy for you to take him to and then bring him back to mum.

    Perhaps you could do little things like write him a note for your ex to give to him when he doesn't want to go. Just so he can see you love him and you're there ready and waiting when he does want to go.

    It is a difficult situation, I hope you find a solution that works for you all. 

  • in reply to profdanger

    His Mum has agreed to come along with the children at a neutral location on both this Sat & Sun to see me. So essentially 2 "separate" occasions where I can hopefully see my son.  The fact his Mum is taking him rather than me hopefully will incentivise him to come along and be more comfortable too.

    I appreciate that at 12 years old he is probably going through a lot of emotional changes right now however I am struggling to see how to balance his needs with my desire to see him.  If he consistently declines to see me when I pick him up without any retribution does he therefore believe I don't care or not willing to fight to see him?  It's very difficult because it is 100% down to his Mum to talk to him and try and persuade him to see me (As I am not allowed in her house).  I think if my son was neurotypical, most parents would give their child no option but to see their Dad as the child shouldn't dictate what the parents do.  That being said, I appreciate this isn't necessarily the case with an autistic child.

    I do hope I see him on Sat & Sun however I am know it could be difficult going forward if he continues to not want to see me without his Mum because then I rely on the Mum to be available too and this limits opportunities to see him.

  • Hello there or23,

    dad_or23 said:
    I have suggested a neutral location which would be an incentive for him

    That sounds like a great idea. I’m glad the mother is open to that idea.

    Otherwise the best advice I have is give it time. I know 6 months feels like an eternity (I can’t imagine being separated from one of my kids for that long), but your son is at an age when he’s undergoing a lot of changes emotionally. "I am too old to see Daddy now" makes me think he might just need some additional time to figure out things.

    That being said, ABSOLUTELY keep trying. The more you try, the more he sees that he is important to you.

  • in reply to dad_or23

    You both should do what’s best for your son 

  • in reply to Asparagus

    Thank you Asparagus for your response,
    I will ask my ex directly if I could visit her house with certain "pre-conditions" and see if that is something she would consider.
    Yes, my daughter does enjoy the fact she has her Dad all to herself.  I really don't want my son to think I don't want to see him or care for him.  I can't help but think I am not being a good father to him by staying away despite the fact it may be for his benefit

  • That sounds really tough. Would it really not be an option for you to go to your ex’s place? Sounds like the best thing for the boy is to respect his wishes to stay at home. 

    In the meantime, I hope you can make the most of the time with your daughter. She probably really enjoys the dad solo time!