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Struggling single parent

A09

Hi everyone. I thought I would come here as I guess I'm just hoping there's other people out there that understand.

I have a 10 year old son and I'm really struggling with his behaviour at the moment. Its so frustrating because he's the most sweetest loving caring little boy at times but when he's not getting his own way he loses his temper and goes from 0 to 100. He heavily masks this at school and other places which is great he can be well behaved elsewhere but also hard because I feel like my family think I'm just a bad mum and it's me thats the problem. I can come across as miserable and stressed but the truth is I am because a lot of the time he's lashing out at me and saying the most nasty stuff. He's s big boy for his age so it's now starting to hurt when he hits. 

He's my world and I love him so much but the bad behaviour is so stressful at the moment it's making me feel numb. 

  • Hiya mate, I sympathise wth you and what you are going through with your son. I’m autistic and a single dad to two kids, a son (9 years old), and a daughter (13 years old). Both have autism and my daughter has ADHD as well. I’ve had tantrums and outbursts from them both in the past, usually over not having their own way. As you find with your son, generally they are good as gold and very polite but sometimes when they’re staying with me one or the other will have a tantrum.

    So what I do is wait for them to calm down. I’ll give the dad speech, that’s not the sort of behaviour I expect to see from you young man/lady, and then I tell them to go to their room and don’t come out until you’ve calmed down. I always make a hot chocolate next, and within half an hour, he or she comes out and apologises. We talk it out over the hot chocolate and normally it’s they miss their mum, or they’re anxious because of school.

    Afterwards I get a hug or a high five from my son for listening and being supportive.

    When it’s related to something they want but can’t have I handle things differently. I can’t give in and let them have what they want every time, an occasional treat is fine but not all the time or they expect it. Once the tantrum is over I tell them off, I’m disappointed in you and then the punishment is no TV for the night, no games console and so on.

    I feel bad for doing it, they’re my kids and I remember wanting things and my parents saying no, I can sympathise but this is part of growing up and if they have their own way all the time it will turn them into horrible people. So it really is for their own good and my method of banning the things they enjoy worked/works.

    We almost never have tantrums for things they want but can’t have anymore. My son very occasionally will throw a tantrum if he can’t have something, and then I ban say his games console and the next morning he apologises. My daughter never throws tantrums if she can’t have something, I guess where she is that bit older she understands better.

    So really it’s up to you, you’re the parent and you decide whether to let him have his own way or lay down some rules. In the short term things are going to be confrontational and unpleasant. He won’t be happy with you. But in the long term it’s for the best and he will slowly come to terms.

    That’s what happened with my two anyway. Oh the joys of parenting!

  • Hi there, my experiences might differ to yours, but from my experience behaviours got worse when I wasn't strict enough, kept firm boundaries, structured routines and gave pre--warnings where possible that changes needed to be made.

    I used to have meltdowns everywhere we went before my son was able to communicate and a lot of the time it boiled down to not being pre-warned he wasn't getting things from the shops and limiting adding treats which were then expected as part of a routine. I had to tell my mum not to buy sweets and popcorn at the cinema for example as it would then be expected every time.

    Hopefully there is something here that helps you.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles.

    You might find the suggested strategies and other guidance in these articles helpful:

    NAS - Autism and anger management - a guide for parents and carers

    NAS - Distressed behaviour - a guide for all audiences

    The second article includes (for example) a suggestion to arrange an appointment with his GP to request a referral to a behavioural specialist.

    Regardless of the other replies that you might also receive here, you might also like to consider requesting a call from another parent via the NAS’s emotional support helpline. This would enable you to discuss your feelings via a more personal, one-to-one, phone conversation: 

    “The Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service provides emotional support to parents and carers regarding their autistic children/grown-up children. The service is provided by trained volunteers with personal experience as the parent of an autistic child or adult. Our focus is on emotional support and understanding what it is like for you as a parent. We offer empathy, understanding, and a safe space to talk through your feelings and experiences.”

    NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline