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Son with high functioning autism

QVX91977

Hi.  Being a parent of a child with high functioning autism is not easy and I have found this forum, in the hope to hear from others with similar experiences and how they manage to cope.

My son is 18years old and although not officially diagnosed with autism, did have a private review done a little while back advising he was more than likely, a high function autistic and his behaviours, all seem to match those associated with such a condition.

One such behaviour that we as parents find extremely hard to understand is where you try and speak with your child about how they need to do something, only for them to get very agitated by the remark and get snappy and loud.  For example, my wife takes my son to the station so he can attend college but must leave the house on time in order for her to be able to get back to work and attend meetings.  I tried to explain this to him, but you always get deflection for example, "I was up on time" and "I was ready" when we full well know, he was told multiple times to get up and get ready to leave.  They dont account for any blame.  Is this normal?  This is just one scenario where we struggle.  

Other things like, he will always say he loves us constantly however, gets very defensive when we try and instruct him on things he is doing wrong.  His moods will sing in an instant from happy to moody to closed off to happy.

Anyway.  I thought I would post here on the hope, we are not alone in dealing with the behaviours of autistic children.  Its so trying at times.

  • I’m not saying your 18 year old is not autistic but it can be ‘normal’ behaviour for some teenage boys. My friend’s son used to come out with those sorts of comments when he was 17 years old, yet two years later he has turned out to be a responsible young adult. As boys are generally slower to mature than girls they can find it difficult to open up. On the other hand, many autistic people have difficulty planning the stages needed to complete a task. Perhaps you have already asked him using specific details, to be “ready to leave at x o’clock in order to give you time to get to work”. If he understands after this, you could try writing out a timetable for him, including clear stages. Eg, 7 am get up. 7.05am shower. 7.20 get dressed. 7.30am breakfast. Etc to 7.50am stand at front door with bag. This can be helpful for autistic people who have difficulty planning. Would it be a dreadful thing if you left without him one morning? This is something only you can judge as you wouldn’t want to jeopardise his college attendance, but it may be just what he needs to give him a push. 

  • Perhaps displaying a timetable of the days events and times so that your child can see visually. They are very in the moment and so time can often not mean that much. If he has a routine in the mornings even if you are running late will not matter if they need to do things in the same order and in the same way each day. It needs to be predictable for them. 
    Perhaps you could time them how long it takes on average to go from waking to getting out of the door, allow some contingency time and then you might have an idea on how long you need for the mornings routine.

    It is tough but we have adopted a good routine and communication. A very mindful approach is what got us communicating well…. I am now on the waiting list for an assessment. Maybe I understood our son because I have some lived experience who knows.

    Best of luck 

  • There are also some great resources here that your son might find helpful:

    NAS - Resources for autistic teenagers

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You might find the information here - which covers a wide range of behaviour-related subjects, including routines, demand avoidance, and more - helpful:

    NAS - Behaviour

    You might also like to consider seeking emotional support from other parents who are in a similar situation via the NAS's parent-to-parent helpline:

    NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline