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Increasingly dangerous and violent meltdowns

Bumbledore

Hi,

My wife and I are really struggling with our 7yo son. He is a twin, which makes things trickier in other ways as his twin doesn’t have ASD. 

I wanted to reach out as we’re really struggling in differences of opinion and we’re really stuck and feeling (me more so) a lot of shame, so please consider that when replying. 

our sons default response in many, but not all situations, is to be violent. Sometimes it’s a pinch if he doesn’t get something he wants and distraction or redirection doesn’t work. When he has a meltdown, he can trash the house and break things and can often do things that are dangerous that could hurt him or us. If we attempt to intervene, he becomes very violent towards us. 

we do the repair afterwards pretty well but don’t know if there should be any consequence, albeit small, for when he has hurt someone? The breaking things is different, that’s material and we’re not worried about ‘stuff’. We do our absolute best to not discuss and consequences during or immediately after any meltdowns but it always comes up and that’s because we’ve done it so far so it’s now a feature. Should this continue in a small way as he understands that it’s coming or could we try something different? 

some of it is hard as he’s a twin and trying to get them both to understand that there different ways things are handled. Anyway, I look forward to hearing any suggestions:thoughts  on what I’ve said. 

thanks 

Parents

  • What would be helpful is if we could hear the things his meltdowns are happening in response to. Rarely is this a matter of 'getting a thing I want', but more often as parents we have to be incredibly vigilant about what we teach our children to expect. And vigilant about following through. We have to be more dependable than most. Words have weight. Structures have to be put in place so there's no room to guess. Never say No unless you mean it. Walk kids through your own problem solving (do the math out loud). Never say yes unless you mean it. But don't leave them in ambiguity. Sometimes it's good to say you'll have a think and let them know your decision in one hour exact. Then follow through. I might suggest in order to discipline the habit and teach them to expect your thought-FULL-ness, you do this on a regular basis even when you don't have to think about an answer. Start small: 10 minutes exact. 

    This teaches others to trust you. The analogue clock is really helpful as one can see the trajectory of how it's moving and where it will end. We can pace with the clock. These are great for setting limits to a task or activity to produce an expectation an autistic child can work with. Digital clocks are not the same. There's nothing actually telling us the number will go from 00:00 to 23:59. And that's if you have a military clock, but they are useful next to a digital one as children should learn to navigate public transportation. 

    Becoming predictable is good for both children. In fact, parenting for your Autistic child can teach your Typical child to grow into a healthy and kind adult. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Really good points. Because he likely has ADHD as well, sometimes the consistency of response is really at odds as he often craves spontaneous things and can’t understand why sometimes that can’t happen at that time. We’ll try and redirect and distract but doesn’t often work. 

    We’re really together and our yes being yes and our no being no so that he knows that we mean it. 

  • in reply to Bumbledore

    Just to add - for autistic children, the meltdown can be from interruption. What appears spontaneous can be a child picking up a detail from you in a conversation from last week or the previous day, and even perhaps misinterpreting something, then planning on it and bringing it back up at - what seems like - a random moment. 

    But second, there are many scenarios where distracting translates as dismissing with Au kids. And if Autistic, then interruptions are kryptonite. Sudden transitions or interruptions to their flow can be experienced as physical pain. Thus, it can be crucial to note what his meltdowns are happening in response to. :) 

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  • in reply to Bumbledore

    Just to add - for autistic children, the meltdown can be from interruption. What appears spontaneous can be a child picking up a detail from you in a conversation from last week or the previous day, and even perhaps misinterpreting something, then planning on it and bringing it back up at - what seems like - a random moment. 

    But second, there are many scenarios where distracting translates as dismissing with Au kids. And if Autistic, then interruptions are kryptonite. Sudden transitions or interruptions to their flow can be experienced as physical pain. Thus, it can be crucial to note what his meltdowns are happening in response to. :) 

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