Increasingly dangerous and violent meltdowns

Just to add - for autistic children, the meltdown can be from interruption. What appears spontaneous can be a child picking up a detail from you in a conversation from last week or the previous day, and even perhaps misinterpreting something, then planning on it and bringing it back up at - what seems like - a random moment. 

But second, there are many scenarios where distracting translates as dismissing with Au kids. And if Autistic, then interruptions are kryptonite. Sudden transitions or interruptions to their flow can be experienced as physical pain. Thus, it can be crucial to note what his meltdowns are happening in response to. :) 

He’s doing great at school, in response to that article. He loves learning and his teacher is WONDERFUL

Really good points. Because he likely has ADHD as well, sometimes the consistency of response is really at odds as he often craves spontaneous things and can’t understand why sometimes that can’t happen at that time. We’ll try and redirect and distract but doesn’t often work. 

We’re really together and our yes being yes and our no being no so that he knows that we mean it. 

What would be helpful is if we could hear the things his meltdowns are happening in response to. Rarely is this a matter of 'getting a thing I want', but more often as parents we have to be incredibly vigilant about what we teach our children to expect. And vigilant about following through. We have to be more dependable than most. Words have weight. Structures have to be put in place so there's no room to guess. Never say No unless you mean it. Walk kids through your own problem solving (do the math out loud). Never say yes unless you mean it. But don't leave them in ambiguity. Sometimes it's good to say you'll have a think and let them know your decision in one hour exact. Then follow through. I might suggest in order to discipline the habit and teach them to expect your thought-FULL-ness, you do this on a regular basis even when you don't have to think about an answer. Start small: 10 minutes exact. 

This teaches others to trust you. The analogue clock is really helpful as one can see the trajectory of how it's moving and where it will end. We can pace with the clock. These are great for setting limits to a task or activity to produce an expectation an autistic child can work with. Digital clocks are not the same. There's nothing actually telling us the number will go from 00:00 to 23:59. And that's if you have a military clock, but they are useful next to a digital one as children should learn to navigate public transportation. 

Becoming predictable is good for both children. In fact, parenting for your Autistic child can teach your Typical child to grow into a healthy and kind adult. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?fbclid=IwAR0e6pwWeDC7C0c3EJAE1qdd9PyMyCqkgwIvTDEIxPKGBOV7Qn9hrgN5kI8

Further resources that might be of help:

Diverse UK offers this free PDF download version of "Autism: understanding and managing anger for parents of young people" by Andrew Powell: 

Autism understanding and managing anger for parents of young people

The NAS also offers some advice here for parents about anger management in autistic children:

NAS - Autism and anger management - a guide for parents and carers

Hi and welcome to the community.

I'm sorry to hear of your family's struggles. Whilst I can't offer any advice based on personal experience, you might find some of the information here helpful:

NAS - Distressed behaviour 

• Perhaps including under "Strategies to try" and "Support for you as a parent/carer".
• The article also suggests seeking a GP referral to a behavioural specialist, should they support your view that it's appropriate (there's no need to seek one out yourselves or pay privately for this kind of support).

Challenging Behaviour Foundation - for family carers

NAS - Meltdowns

In respect of how you and your wife are feeling, you might find it helpful to seek emotional support from other parents who are or  have been in similar situations. The NAS offers a service that can facilitate this:

NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline

Hi Iain,

thanks for replying. We desperately don’t want to punish him, it feels completely wrong and we’re really stuck. It feels wrong in my gut. We always talk about consequence with him not punishing as it’s a less venomous word. Our normal option is if he’s damaged something, we get him to help us fix/tidy it up as we feel that’s important. Obviously we can’t do anything like that when it’s related to violence! 

we had considered a behavioural specialist, it’s a big step though, you’re right. We just thought we’d see if other parents had had similar issues and had some ideas. I’m thinking about it now and his bedroom is very busy and has lots of stuff that could be reduced so it’s less over stimulating and dangerous, it’s not really a safe space at the moment as he has to share with his brother. Might have to try that. 

thanks 

Bumbledore said:

we do the repair afterwards pretty well but don’t know if there should be any consequence, albeit small, for when he has hurt someone?

This is a tricky one.

You run the risk of being attacked by some if you suggest any sort of punishment and I'm not sure he is old enough for this to work effectively, especially if he is autistic.

My thoughts would be that you need to locate a child behavioral specialist with experience in dealing with autistic children.

This won't be cheap but when you consider the potential consequences if his violence leads to damage to someone then it makes a lot more sense.

I doubt any here are qualified to offer advice and getting that from some random off the Internet is not the best plan.

You can track one down fairly easily via Psychology Todays list:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling

Enter your location and then click on the All Filters button when the list appears - I would select Chld, Anger Management and Autism as the three filter options.

Look at the qualifications and experience of the list of potential candidates and interview them before engaging with them.

That would be how I would do it anyway. Good luck.