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20 year old daughter diagnosed ASD struggling

NAS70849

Hi, I am after some help/advice if possible.  My daughter was diagnosed about 8 years ago and is really struggling at the moment.  She has a job which she loves and currently has a boyfriend however this is on the rocks.

She was due to go on holiday with her boyfriend and his parents (boyfriend also has a diagnosis of ASD) however over the last few weeks she has had a number of meltdowns.  We think this is because of the upcoming holiday and worry however her boyfriends parents are now saying that they are not comfortable with her going (this is understandable because of her behaviour) She has started messaging people on facebook, people she is friends with but never sees or usually speaks to and is inundating them with hundreds of messages. 

We have been contacted by some of these as they are worried about her,  when we speak to her she just goes into her shell and doesnt listen. We are not sure what to do,  she is an adult and we want to give her space however the messages need to stop.  it seems that things have got too much for her however she wont talk to us and everything we say she takes as an attack.  We want to help her but we are not sure how.  thanks 

  • I just wanted to add : as parents we love our children so much and we so deeply want to help them to ‘solve their problems’ and heal their pain when they’re struggling. I think this sometimes can accidentally end up in our young adult children feeling pressured by our attempts to help - or even judged. I think the hardest thing sometimes as a parent is to realise that we need to step back - and just give our children the freedom and space to work their own way through their problems (and to make their own mistakes). That’s how they learn, and then they (eventually) feel more confident and independent. I think I would say to your daughter that you want to help if she’s struggling but you will be guided by her - if she doesn’t want to talk - accept that (and TRULY accept and respect that). If she wants space - give her space. Let her know that you’re there for her - but that you’ll respect her wishes if - at this point - she doesn’t WANT your help. In my experience when you do this family members  are much more likely to feel they can open up to you when they feel the time is right. She’s obviously feeling pressured, and sometimes a parent’s attempt to help (no matter how well meaning) can just feel like more pressure. 

  • I think I would say to her what you’ve written here - that you want to be there for her in every way you can, and help her if she feels she wants help, but that you don’t always know how. Make it clear that you are there for her unconditionally- 100%. And acknowledge to her that if she wants space - and she doesn’t want help from you at this moment - that you will back off and give her the space she needs. 
    I think the intense messaging to friends etc implies that she might be panicking and feeling completely overwhelmed. I wouldn’t say to her that ‘the messaging needs to stop’ - because she is obviously feeling a strong need to do that right now. She’s reaching out to others. She needs something from them to help her feel better - she might not even know what she needs. 
    It must be extremely hurtful for her to have her boyfriend’s parents say they don’t want her to go on holiday with them. Imagine how that must feel. And if her relationship with her boyfriend is breaking down that will also be a huge source of anxiety for her (and so many other emotions too). 
    Sending lots of messages is not going to actually harm anyone. It’s not a disaster - even though it’s not ideal. I wouldn’t make too much of a big deal over it - as long as she’s not putting herself at risk in any way by messaging people who might attempt to take advantage of her current emotional vulnerability. 
    It’s great that she has a job she enjoys - that’s huge positive, and work might be something that can help re-focus her thoughts and emotions in more positive directions. 
    If she isn’t going on holiday with her boyfriend and his family how about you suggest that the two of you have a short holiday somewhere instead? Maybe a weekend away, or just a day trip to somewhere she loves? You could just take her out for a meal somewhere - just to have some fun together. To say to her (indirectly perhaps) that you’re here for her, no judgement, just that you want to spend some time together and not anything heavy.

    Essentially - give the message that ' it’s ok, we all have times when we really struggle, let’s focus on enjoying what we can and allow things to improve in time. There’s no rush, and no need to panic. You could perhaps share with her times when you’ve struggled when you were younger. She’s not alone - we all experience suffering in our lives, but she has family that love and value her, and that you understand that she needs time and space to work through this particularly difficult time. But make it clear that you know - from experience- that this will pass in time and she will eventually feel much better.