Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, everyone
I have a non-verbal autistic brother (19yrs) who started ripping his, our mom's, grandparent's and other's clothes. Even bedsheets, the fabric from the bed and sofa, pillows, sponges, everything that is rippable. He first started years ago with his storybooks, ripping parts of the edges until there is barely anything left. We thought it was because maybe they practcied tearing paper in school, maybe he liked the sound of it. Maybe he was bothered by holes and stains so he tried to "remove"them. But it just have gotten worse. All his books are like cabbages and now the clothes... My mom even taught him sewing, so when he have to fix it, he will not want to rip anything again. It didn't help sadly. The worst is that he isn't just destroying things at home but at family members, too. When we try to confront him and take away the clothes he gets aggressive.
Every two weeks he visits our grandparents on the weekend so my mom can have some break for herself and her boyfriend. The problem is that they don't really know how to deal with him, so they often let him do whatever he wants. After all these years he started to get bored there. Our grandparents are old and they're getting tired of his misbehaviour. I can see my mom as well losing her sanity over all the things my brother has destroyed. Her boyfriend moved in around a year ago. He really gets angry with both my brother and mom. My mom fears that their relationship is at stake. She always found a way to teach my brother and correct his behaviour but she is clueless this time. I would be happy if someone could recommend anything to stop this.
I have a feeling it has something to do with anxiety. He's always biting his nails. He did this long ago as well but it's gotten worse. We moved to another house more than a year ago, maybe this was a dramatic change for him. How much time would he need to get used to it? Is there any way to help him get used to the house if that would be the problem? He ripped clothes before we moved but he does it more frequently. When my mom is not preparing exercises for him, he's on his phone or computer. If these gadgets are the problem, is there a way to lower the usage without causing him to be aggressive?
I'm really greatful for anyone who takes the time to give me any type of advice!
It could be a stim like the nail biting thing, or some kind of OCD and compulsion to do certain things repetitively out of anxiety. Maybe velcro or zippers would be a better alternative? I think your brother should be reassessed by a medical professional, since his habits are affecting other family members and their personal possessions.
But on another completely different train of thought, people sometimes rip clothes into strips of cloth to use in weaving rugs or mats. Weaving is also a repetitive motion that can calm anxiety down.
There was a video I've seen, of a man who is developmentally delayed, and he enjoys weaving mats out of strips of plastic bags on a homemade loom, to help the homeless. Plastic won't harbor any insects or critters, and it gives the homeless a lightweight, durable mat, to cushion themselves from the cold ground at night.
https://youtu.be/ebam4-BI2D8?si=bWUTb45XuHTmKsfG
I hope your family can figure out something out that's beneficial to everyone involved.
It sounds like he may be stressed by the move/new house and using the ripping to regulate (stimming), or it may be a compulsion- does he get more or less agitated/anxious after ripping things? You can get pumice stones with a dried glue-type paste in them aimed at skin picking, but the sensation may be similar enough to ripping that he is able to redirect the urge. Going outside and ripping bits of hay or grass is also a less destructive alternative. Even trying to encourage him to rip the pieces up smaller could minimise the number of things that are destroyed, although it may be a challenge if he struggles with fine motor skills.
I'm sorry that you are all going through this situation. Perhaps your brother is unable to express his anger other than by ripping up things? It may be the fact that the house move happened and your mums boyfriend moved in and acts angrily. This could be a very scary experience for your brother and so his only way to find routine and calm is by ripping things. It could be a calming stim he uses to express his feelings and prevent himself reaching meltdown.
I wish I could offer a solution but other than providing things he can tear and trying to keep routines as close to what they were before I'm unsure of what I can really do to help. I do understand why things being destroyed would cause anger so I see how tough it'll be for your mums boyfriend too. Does your brother have a support worker or close person he can communicate with in other ways? Is he involved in an exercise program to help tire him and reduce his need to tear things up? I'm sure your mum and yourself have all the support services in place to make suggestions and so mine may not be as helpful as I want them to be.
I really hope things improve for you all.