Advise on ASD diagnosis of my 15 YO Daughter

As an older autistic woman, I would suggest she only see a therapist if it helps her understand neurotypical social and social rules, if not, she may find she's interested in learning psychology on her own, which is entirely based on Neurotypical (Freudian Neurotic) drives and motives. Some of the core fundamental principles don't apply to autistic-motivated being 'human'. While it's good for all of us to learn how Survival instincts can cause extra problems to negotiate, There's been just about a century of recognising that "Any Level" Autistic won't create internalised Defence Mechanisms, and this is how most non-autistics mature. So, We need to do this consciously. Now, there's no reason to not learn ethics and recognise how morals can differ in societies or how to set a standard of expectation and rules of being kind or even polite. But I would say most Autistics need to first understand Boundaries: how they're asserted, how to find them, how to reinforce them politely, but confidently.

However, if she wants a good tool-kit for being within society and just having a good bit of 'fluidness', ways to engage and also get along in an enjoyable way, there is nothing better than the performing arts. Theatre classes, acting classes, even ones where technique is taught without performance, can be incredibly useful keys, a wee bit of cosplay, and an alternative, enjoyable way to learn that truly, all the world really IS a stage. 

At this age and in this time in history, she needs to focus on having fun. Everywhere I'm reading children are far more overwhelmed in general, and if one is going to attempt to grow up, they need to in due course when they internally feel ready. She'll be behind her peers for now, as there is no way to change that autistics mature slower. Nothing can speed this process up. Forcing a process, or Pushing a child before they're ready only traumatises them. And we already live in a world of traumatised humans.

If you can, help her simply indulge in her creative self. Allow her to spend too much time hyper-focused on exploring and learning. 

As for sensitivities, do a bit of homework! The human biology is not meant for wearing plastic (polyesters), food sensitivities can mean potential allergies (our tongue is connected to our gut). We need to hydrate and not all water is hydrating (too much chlorine, or too much salt - the ocean). We need light and not all light works with the retina. And so on. If you help her use her ability to discern between flavours, textures, fabrics, perhaps she might turn a disdain into an art form.

Thanks Martin. That really gives us some helpful insight. We have GCSE's coming up next year so it seems like a good time to speak to her school, and look at other options for additional coaching. A

My daughter was diagnosed just before starting university, so had no support through her school years. We realised that she had problems, but, as with my own, it hadn't occurred to us that autism might be the cause. I'm not particularly poorly informed in general, but information on the way autism presents in people with low support needs is not readily available, unless you are primed to look for it. It was because of anxiety that we had our daughter referred for CBT, I think she had a longer period of therapy than usual - perhaps 9 months or so, initially - because she developed a good relationship with her therapist and was moved between funding schemes. She also went back for more about two years later, I think that she was around 15 or 16 when she started.

My daughter wanted to share her diagnosis with the university; she realised that anything that would make the course easier for her to cope with, would be useful. She got an extra 25% of time in exams, and had her exams in small rooms with few other people present. Remembering my own experiences in large exam halls, this is a very useful accommodation. She had free 'time organisation' software and a microphone for recording lectures. Her lecturers were informed that she might ask many more questions and need extra clarification than most students, about what was required of her regarding essays and lab write ups. The disability support team were quite proactive in checking on her welfare and she had a named contact in the team. If she was feeling overwhelmed, she could email her tutor and arrange sanctioned time off from lectures; lecturers would email her either recorded lectures, or their notes and other teaching material, so she didn't lose out.

I don't think that she felt particularly isolated from her peers, she made a couple of friends on her course who are allistic. I think that she had more problems with her anxiety and perfectionism than with the attitudes of others to her.

Hi Martin 

Thanks for your message. It's really  encouraging to hear about your daughter's progress and success. Yes, I've heard that teen girls can be much more fickle in their relationships. We seem to have avoided issues with this so far, but I am really aware that at this age things can change quickly. 

I'm curious if you shared your daughte's diagnosis with her school and university at the time and what kind of support they offered her? Did she feel that this support helped her or made her feel more isolated or different from her peer group? 

And roughly at what age and for how long did she attend CBT? Right now, our daughter is reluctant to engage with a therapist, and says she doesn't feel that she needs it. But, in some sense she doesn't yet know what it may offer her. She tends to shy away from engaging with new social opportunities rather than risk placing herself in situations where she might feel uncomfortable, so I imagine CBT might give her some tools to better manage this anxiety.  

Music sounds like it's been an amazing channel to develop your daughter's confidence. We're still looking for an outlet like this with our daughter, listening carefully when she expresses an interest in things and offering new encounters wherever we can in the hope that it sparks some enthusiasm. Her diagnosis has definately helped us be more patient in this as we try to find a balance of being lead by her preferences and trying to support her to grow. 

Thanks too for your book suggestion. I'll certainly have a read of this and pass it on to her.

I haven't read it, but the author is a young autistic woman and it may be worth taking a look at: Hayden, Chloé (2022). Different, Not Less: A Neurodivergent's Guide to Embracing Your True Self and Finding Your Happily Ever After.

I am autistic and have a 22 year old autistic daughter. She is intellectually bright and has a first class chemistry degree. She has the usual autism related problems, poor sleep, food issues, anxiety, social difficulties. She found cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) useful, it was her therapist who first suggested that she might be autistic. This led to both of us being eventually diagnosed, within a day of each other. In primary school she reacted to the issues she had with a degree of aggression, earning her the nickname, 'the angry elf'. At senior school she had a group of friends, but found the endless squabbles and fallings out difficult to cope with. I think girls can sometimes be more cruel to each other than boys are. At university she received quite good support and considered that without it she might well have dropped out. In the end she came top of her year and won a Royal Society of Chemistry prize. When she was about 14 she started music lessons on electric guitar and drums. Through the place she was taught, she joined various bands and performed in pubs and clubs. This did absolute wonders for her confidence and now she is in a band, playing drums, with two other autistic people. I think she has a gig at a pub later this month.

I think the most important thing that any parent of an autistic child can do, beyond any type of therapy, is just to be entirely supportive.