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Advice needed: 11yr old now becoming violent

MumOfT

My son was diagnosed in Aug 22 with high functioning ASD and struggles with all things social: situations, making friends, reading cues, understanding meaning etc. All meltdowns he has are at school. They started off in PE lessons and over time have led to break time, lunch time and more recently in class.

As a family we have worked hard on his coping strategies and more recently he has been able to self regulate and deal with minor situations that may occur whereas before every situation would lead to a meltdown.

Most recently the minor situations are turning to major because 'other kids' are getting involved and it is pushing him over the edge, resulting in him lashing out. Sometimes this is at the other kids, other times (and most often) it is at objects. Fly-kicking doors open, kicking over bins, flipping tables, throwing chairs and even removing his shoes and throwing them. 

To put into perspective, he has no-one at school he can call a friend. The kids don't like him, understand him or have the patience to deal with him which is leading to them getting involved in these situations, as they know it will wind him up and he will react.

An example: In the school playground child 1 tripped over my sons foot leading to a bit of a stumble. My son apologised, the child 1 said, it's ok it was just an accident. A child 2 comes over and challenges my son as to why he deliberately tripped child 1 up, my son responds with "it was an accident" and child 2 says "no it wasn't, I saw it and you tripped him". Knowing it's a lie and feeling overwhelmed by someone verbally challenging him with false information, my son pushed child 2. Child 2 then punches my son. Child 3 comes over and also punches my son, leading to my son punching child 3 back. My son is then led away to a class room where he wrecks the room by throwing chairs and tables etc.

I am unsure how I:

  1. deal with the situation when i receive a call from the school. do I bring him home of let him stay? I have been keeping him at school because when he has calmed down, he migrates into class no problem as if nothing has happened.
  2. respond to these situations when chatting them over with my son - as I have the understanding that during meltdowns there is a huge element of the need to relieve the pressure and possible an element of not realising what actions you are making or being able to control those actions
  3. understand if it is an autism meltdown or a fit of rage
  4. move forward - do we need to go back to our GP for more help (we were diagnosed and discharged, so no further help or support) the progress he has made has been done as a family through research

I have also noticed him scratching himself a lot to the point where his arms, chest and back are scarlet red with white lumps where he has been clawing.

I have probably missed out so much information as I've just received a phone call regarding an incident but this is a generic overview.

He attends swimming, chess club and scouts and never has any meltdowns in any of these settings or at home. Only ever at school.

Any advice given would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

  • Hey I took my son out of school due to other hideous kids bully him ...I personally would remove the chid from school as to be honest itcan do more harm than good...if they have a diagnosis do some research to see if you can get  funding in getting the school to work with yo in home schooling ....but you do need to keep up that socialisation some other way as they will lack it not going t school. Try lesure sports activities or seek out other comunal autism groups if there is one in your area 

  • Your son isn't challenged. He's falsely accused & it sounds like he's hit his limit in life :( 

    Most likely your son never forgets. He might be able to refocus. But if he's diagnosed high-functioning (which isn't really a thing other than someone without too much trauma or without added disability), then every false accusation and misrepresentation is stored away. And Rage is a melting down. It is formed like a collexion of ping pong balls in a trunk. At some point the trunk no longer closes. Rage can happen when someone is repeatedly attacked, pushed over their limit, violated, and when it never lets up. And he lives in a world that is repelled by Autistic-Being Human, unfortunately. It hasn't always been this way.

    The social difference or divergence, is a critical difference and at the core of every misunderstanding. Children aren't wise enough to step back from a sense of offence, interrogate their own bias and associations, breathe through the moment and ask the other what their intention is. Nor is this sort of thinking-through a thing regarded in society with Respect. What's respected these days is how Boris or Trump has acted in so-called debate. We give sociopaths high powered jobs in modern society and confuse arrogance for confidence. 

    MumOfT said:
    He attends swimming, chess club and scouts and never has any meltdowns in any of these settings or at home. Only ever at school.

    Attending smaller groups with like-minded interests is helpful for us. There is a delegated focus to each group, which aids setting goals, limits and rules. The social expectations revolve around the sport as does the focus. It's task-based and two of these don't tend to attract the sort of non-autistic who bully us. 

    There's a lot more theories behind why Autistics are hated by a handful of NT-"Types" and I'm happy to attempt to explain more if you're interested. But these are theories from over the last century of psychoanalysts and philosophers who can understand how individuals are usually Socialised and how the Autistic is neurologically wired and simply different (not better or worse, but just perceiving and understanding the world from a completely different point of view). The world needs all of us. We've always existed, but in earlier times a little hyper-focus or eccentricity, someone acutely inclined toward medicine or the physical environment, more observant and pattern-sensing, used to be regarded as important.