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Autistic Father & Daughter not responding

Rocketboy

Hello,

firstly to the forum admin, this is a site for people with ASD, please put ‘log in’ on the homepage so we don’t have to navigate to it! Christ! 

So, todays issue Id like to discuss and get some likeminded opinion on is difficulty with unresponsive teenagers and understanding what’s going on.

I have a fifteen year old daughter who lives with her mother 60 miles from me. I am my daughter’s biological father, I was present at her birth, I lived with her and her mother until her mother left me when she was five. I have always been regularly present in her life until recently, despite asking her to contact me once in a while (rather than the other way around) because it’s important for me to feel loved by her and relevant to her, she just doesn’t, which is hard for me to understand and navigate.

My cognitive function is high so thankfully I am able to understand most aspects of life perfectly well…except some human behaviour which is bewildering.

I have recently spoken to my daughters mother (who refuses to accept or acknowledge my ASD diagnosis) about this and her response is ‘she’s busy with study’.

It only takes a minute to text someone so I don’t accept that, but I also don’t know why she has stopped contacting me.

I have decided to stop contacting my daughter for now because trying to navigate this is too painful, I’ve found previously that withdrawing and terminating relationships is easier than feeling the pain and confusion of them.

Craig

  • Rocketboy said:

    despite asking her to contact me once in a while (rather than the other way around) because it’s important for me to feel loved by her and relevant to her, she just doesn’t, which is hard for me to understand and navigate.

    I hate to say it, but We are the Care-givers to a Recipient. Kids don't ask to be brought into this world. At 15, our children are far too young yet to carry our weight, let alone the stress that teens encounter these days. There will be plenty of time for that much further into the future, but only if we properly invest in them - and I mean, PROPERLY. Not with money, though it helps. But with reliability, steadfastness, understanding, wisdom, patience. Protecting and nurturing them through each stage until they express the desire to do that task or next thing on their own. Always being available, helping them grow, make helpful choices and hope they exceed us. 

    Our success is determined by our ability to help them actually leave us, while still extending an open door until we pass from this life. This is what parenthood is. If we invest in them properly and build a relationship, at some point the relationship may change to - never equal (you will always be the father) - but something different and they'll call, or move next door or move you into their house. 

    15 is a very delicate age for a girl-becoming-young-woman, especially now - there's too much to manage. A father needs to be more available than a potential mate/boyfriend. In 2023, Girls are encountering stressful factors beyond what I could've handled. And it's manifested in self-harm, eating disorders, even suicide (apologies, but we as parents are up against a great deal - our children need actual pillars these days). The weight of everything is on them including Saving the Planet. Have you read Caitlin Moran? Her book, More Than A Woman talks about struggles of teenage girls right now -I'd recommend her as she's also a highly entertaining read. 

    The bond between a mother and son or a father and daughter is quite unique. Sociologically, the same-sex child might not have the same sort of closeness. It's important for us as parents to have our own community, friends, self-pursuits and interests so we don't end up depending on our children to meet our needs - anyway it's not in their job description :)  My son lived with his father at that age, but I'd always book a day at least once a month to go out to dinner and see a movie or something fun he wanted to do. Around this age, until they graduate Uni, they can be more distracted and overwhelmed. Let them explore. But always make yourself available, never demanding, just 'hear to help'... 'here if you need me' and sometimes making plans or just asking how their day was. After University, they may be more adjusted to all the expectations, have a better grip on life and because of your reliability and steadfastness, never giving up on them, they'll want to spend more time with you.  

  • Rocketboy said:
    I have always been regularly present in her life until recently, despite asking her to contact me once in a while (rather than the other way around) because it’s important for me to feel loved by her and relevant to her, she just doesn’t, which is hard for me to understand and navigate.

    Having been the daughter in this situation, I can tell you that it really hurts to be this age and hear your dad say that you're now responsible for communication, because regardless of his reasons it can feel like he just isn't bothered about you. I understand that you're the autistic one, whereas my dad wasn't, and that it can make things like phone calls more difficult... but ultimately you are the adult and it's your responsibility to stay in touch.

    It's not that she doesn't love you. It's that she thinks you don't love her. Obviously that's not true, but that's how it feels from her perspective- and I imagine if she's living with a mum who doesn't believe in your diagnosis, she's getting a rather skewed view of what's really going on.

    And aside from that- yes, at 15 she most likely is very busy with schoolwork. It's GCSE time and there's a lot to do. It's also worth bearing in mind that the teenage years are a time when you're learning to be an adult yourself- kids don't always get their priorities right when they're figuring that out.